American International Group, better known by their sinister sounding acronym 'AIG', can't seem to escape the hatred of the American people. After a long week of tongue lashings by President Obama and Secretary of the Treasury, Tim Geithner, AIG has found itself squirming yet again, as it finds itself at the genesis of what could be their most serious lawsuit yet: Chuck E Cheese of Paramus vs. AIG.
It all began in September of 2008 when CEO Edward Liddy dialed up the Paramus childrens party palace to arrange a private New Years Eve bash for the Executives and their Wives. Manager Phil Bandkantzer, 42 of Paramus, answered the phone on that quiet September morning. "I just remember thinking to myself, this is gonna be great. They had ordered 100 pizzas and 14 cases of root beer...they even requested DJ Jersey Joe be in attendance. I mean this was gonna be huge. Definitely the biggest party we had this year. " Bandkantzer also went on to reveal that shortly after the AIG reservation he received another phone call from Susan Tunkorfson, President of the Paramus Junior Women's Club, and mother of Rory Tunkorfson, the sweeper for the Paramus Pirates traveling soccer team. Rory was turning 12, and Mrs. Tunkorfson wanted to throw him the party of a lifetime. "You see Rory's birthday is New Years Eve, and it's a really tough night for a kid to have a birthday. It was tough for him as a kid especially with Bob, Mr. Tunkorfson, and I always going out to parties and having fun...and leaving him alone with Consuela. I guess it wasn't really fair. But Bob and I have both stopped drinking, and we go to church now as a family, and I'm really active in the community. Anyway, we just have a lot of making up for lost time to do ...you know? And New Year's, Rory's birthday was the perfect time to do it." Mrs. Tunkorfson was full of emotion and truly seemed to regret her party days of the late 90's early 2000's. The AIG reservation really seemed to throw their lives into a tail spin. "I felt really bad when I spoke to Susan on the phone. Their was nothing I could do, you know? I mean it's AIG. You can't cancel on them. Tunkorfson's were out of luck. I told them that our Elmhurst store wasn't booked for New year's yet, but she said she didn't like going into the city because she got anxiety. And that Queens might as well have been Africa to her. She said a lot of things. She was upset. I know she didn't mean it, but we're a popular place. It's not the first time I've been yelled at on the phone. We can't make everyone happy all the time", said Bandkantzer. That was it. The Tunkorfson's would have to try and find other ways to win back their son's affection.
When the frigid night of December 31st finally rolled around, Phil Bandkantzer found himself hustling around the Paramus Chuck E Cheese like he normally would before any large event: blowing up balloons into the shapes of small dogs, filling cups of ice for root beer, and doing a last minute clean up in the sea of balls. "I always make sure that there aren't any sharp items in there. And that could be anything, doll's head half bitten off, plastic tip of a shoelace. You'd be surprised what can cut you", said Bandkantzer emphatically. After all that preparation for what was to be the largest New Year's Eve Party in the history of the franchise, AIG was a no show. Bandkantzer brought in the New Year with an anchovy pizza, his favorite, and a tall glass of Root Beer. Angry, Ashamed, and feeling quite let down by the Insurance Giant, Bandkantzer got into his two door Nissan Sentra with roll down windows and headed to his apartment complex off route 78 West. He wasn't looking forward to talking with the owner of the Paramus franchise, notorious business mogul, Roger De la Soul.
Briefing De la Soul was a daunting task for Bandkantzer, but he did it boldly over a slice of Chuck E Deluxe while watching the View. "He lost it man. I thought he was gonna come through the phone and kill me", Phil said. Roger De la Soul was unable to be reached for comment. His publicist would only say that AIG would rue the day that they blew off a reservation at Chuck E Cheese. We were able to reach Hank Greenberg, former AIG CEO, before he left for his last ski weekend of the year in Aspen. "It's ridiculous. It's a very sad thing to see the people that I once worked with treating Chuck E Cheese this way. Chuck E Cheese has always been a great place for a birthday party. A great place for the whole family to enjoy. I've been there myself and enjoyed it. I think the guys at AIG are going to have a tough time finding their way out of this one."
As the lies and scandals continue to rear their ugly heads deep within this depression of ours, one thing is for certain: Don't fuck with Chuck E Cheese.
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