Pamela Anderson: Life’s a Beach

Always up for a little fun in the sun, Pamela Anderson spent the day at a Malibu beach with a gal pal on Wednesday afternoon (March 31).

Fixated on mending what looked like a pair of board shorts, the buxom blonde basked up the rays while her companion flipped the bird at nearby paparazzi.

In related news, Pammie recently announced that she’ll be teaming up with designer Richie Rich for a line of environmentally-friendly fashion.

With Miss Anderson attending Richie’s fashion show in Miami over the past weekend, the two will be creating a line that’s “vegan and features leather-free shoes and casual clothes, including hooded tops, skirts and swimwear for the new Muse brand.”

Talking about the line, Pam says: “I really don’t like to wear clothes. I would rather go naked. But I love Richie’s designs, so I agreed to be part of Muse.”

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Kim Kardashian: Dash Darling

Boosting sales at her own shop, Kim Kardashian was spotted making a few purchases at the Dash boutique in Calabasas on Tuesday (March 31).

After finishing up at her store, the “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” cutie then went over to the Westfield Mall in Woodland Hills for another round of retail therapy.

Meanwhile, Kim recently received a little flack for her recent Complex magazine photo shoot, in which untouched photos showed off a little cellulite.

Coming to the E! reality star’s defense was Playboy beauty Holly Madison, who said, “Kim looks amazing. She’s a gorgeous girl, and she’s got nothing to hide!”

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Eva Longoria: Scavenger Cup Cutie

Always willing to take part in charitable endeavors, chairwoman Eva Longoria attended The Rally For Kids With Cancer Scavenger Cup press conference in Glendale on Tuesday (March 31).

The “Desperate Housewives” beauty is gearing up for the actual rally, which is scheduled to run on May 1 and 2 in Los Angeles.

All proceeds from the Scavenger Cup are donated to Children’s Hospital Los Angeles and Eva’s main endeavor, Padres Contra el Cancer.

During the actual race, Longoria plans on acting as a navigator, joined by fellow celebrity helping hands including Shannon Tweed, Mario Lopez, the Baldwin brothers and Terrence Howard, among others.

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Jennifer Aniston acting like a bitch? Inconceivable!

Jennifer Aniston isn't making any "friends" on the set of her new movie The Baster. And in related news, I'm going to dive into traffic for writing that last pun.OK! Magazine reports:

"In the morning, the cast and crew had to wait to start filming without Jen because she asked for extra time to finishing blow-drying her hair," reveals one source.
And when the lunch bell rang, not only did Jen not deign to eat her Cobb salad in the company of her new co-workers, she actually had herself driven to her trailer so she could eat alone!
"Jen refused to walk even a step outside the restaurant during the break for lunch," says an insider. "She had her car pull up right next to the restaurant so she could be driven less than a block to her trailer to avoid photographers."

Although, in her defense, Jennifer Aniston did just break up with a guy who'd rather Twitter than stick his penis in her vagina, so maybe we should cut her some slack. But not until I finish tweeting about my breakfast: "just ate a Pop Tart. they're my favey's!!!1 :D" Okay, done.

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Megan Fox has hair.

It's been four long days since I've posted about Megan Fox, so here are shots of her leaving the hair salon last night. Sure, I could cover things like black president guy and the moneys, but c'mon. Megan Fox + Haircut = Hardest hitting journalism on the planet. Frankly, I'm surprised Clark Kent hasn't swooped down and handed me a medal. Or whoever it was that invented newspapers. Garfield?


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Lady GaGa is Fan Friendly

Lady GaGa (a.k.a. Stefani Germanotta) has come out of nowhere over the past year and suddenly you can't turn on the radio without hearing her music or open a magazine without seeing her face half covered by big sunglasses. But apparently she hasn't let any of this go to her head, as she's still more than willing to go the extra mile for her fans.

“I feel embarrassed saying this but the strangest thing I ever autographed was a man’s penis,” she laughs.

The 23-year-old “Just Dance” star was left red-faced singer when a smitten admirer made the X-rated request following a performance in Canada.

“I was doing a meet and greet backstage in Canada. I had enough room to write Lady GaGa but I don’t really remember. I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. Maybe it is still there - who knows? It was a permanent marker too!”

You know, this really pisses me off. I tried the exact same thing at a Miley Cyrus concert and now her legal team is throwing around phrases like "restraining order" and "sexual predator." Whatever, sometimes a guy just wants an autograph on his penis. I guess they're just a little more relaxed up in the Great White North than down here in the states.

ShamPow!

ShamWow!

MARCH 30--In a violent confrontation between the ShamWow Guy and a South Beach prostitute, there is no doubt which combatant took the worst of the battle. As seen in the mug shots, Sasha Harris, 26, was left with a pair of black eyes and other injuries after tangling with Vince Shlomi, 44, in a room at the swanky Setai hotel. As The Smoking Gun reported, Shlomi told cops that he met Harris in a Miami Beach nightclub and later paid her about $1000 for "straight sex." But when the TV pitchman tried to kiss Harris, she allegedly bit his tongue and would not let go. Shlomi told cops that he punched Harris several times until she released his bleeding tongue. Shlomi and Harris were both treated at the Mount Sinai Medical Center before being booked for felony aggravated battery. Prosecutors this month declined to pursue formal charges against either brawler because it's just too embarrassing.


"You'll be amazed at what this thing can do."

That'll be $1000, please, Big Boy

Cardboard Kick

Why no one likes middle school boys

Mickey Rourke Wrestles Frosty Paws

Mickey Rourke, who recently made a comeback of epic proportions in the Wrestler, has found himself wrestling new demons now that the Golden Gates of Hollywood are again open, and flush with opportunity. “Sometimes all you’ve got are your dogs. So I’d like to thank my dogs,” said Rourke during his acceptance speech at the Golden Globes. Well it seems that Rourke’s dogs are his top priority, and may also lead to being his greatest downfall.

On the night of Saturday March 27th, Rourke and his companion Jaws (a Chihuahua), found themselves feverishly canvassing the Greater New York Area in search of a delicious doggy dessert: Frosty Paws. This special snack can be just as addicting to dogs as Frozen Yogurt is to the fashionably health conscious downtown hipster-and the quest for it, can turn a sleepy Saturday night into a full-on melee. That is exactly what happened to the former Pope of Greenwich Village in his old movie-making stomping grounds just three nights past.

“Everything was OK until he realized we were out of The Frosty Paws,” said Rupinder Swaminathan, proprietor of The Beasty Feast on Washington Street in Manhattan’s Far West Village. “He just started walking around and moving his fingers through his hair… and pacing. He was very upset. I tell him, ‘no Frosty Paws today…tomorrow … Frosty Paws. Come back tomorrow. We are closing.’ He just went crazy… just like that … crazy. He started to empty out bags of dog food and screaming nonsense.”

Mr. Swaminathan continued, "He was saying, 'I can’t live in your golden palace Tully…I can’t fuckin’ live here,' over and over again… he was repeating. He said, 'I’ve been everywhere man don’t you get it? I’ve fuckin’ been everywhere.' Then he looks over and sees my dog Sammy, and he turns around real slow, staring at my face and says, 'I know you’ve got some fuckin' Frosty Paws in here bro.' Then he started to race towards me. That is when I became frightened for my life."

It was only when Rourke accidentally stepped on the tale of Mr. Swaminathan’s cat, Pepper, a full-bodied Tabby, that he seemed to surface from his spell of rage.

Realizing that he had injured an innocent animal sent him reeling. “Mickey began to weep almost instantly. It was kind of touching to see his love for the helpless beast. That is when I saw in him what everybody else sees in Mickey Rourke: a winner.”

Rourke stumbled out of the Beasty Feast weeping as he collapsed onto the sidewalk staring at Manhattan’s elite arriving in town cars for a night of debauchery in the meatpacking district.

“And there he was crying with the headlights in his eyes, and he was saying 'I fucked up…I fucked up.' He grabs my hand and looks at me in the eyes… holding his little doggy, and he say’s 'I love you Brother… Brother I love you … I’m sorry, it’s just the fuckin’ Frosty Paws man,' and he got himself off the ground and walked away. That was it,” explained Mr. Swaminathan. “I do love him. He’s not afraid to say he is sorry. Mickey Rourke is a True American.”

Whether they are his demons, or the demons of his dogs, we hope that Mickey and Jaws finally found some Frosty Paws and settled down for the weekend.

The poor economy has led some women to become strippers

The Associate Press recently published a story about how more women are becoming strippers and even entering the porn business because of the poor economy...many lost their jobs and are in need of fast cash... "Employers across the adult entertainment industry say they’re seeing an influx of applications from women who, like Brown, are attracted by the promise of flexible schedules and fast cash. Many have college degrees and held white-collar jobs until the economy soured." ...

AP

Megan Fox Shows Off Curly New Hairdo

Adding a little bounce to her hairdo, Megan Fox showed off a curly new style in Glendale on Monday (March 30).

Wearing a Pabst Blue Ribbon t-shirt, the “Transformers” hottie visited Five Fifteen Salon to change up her look.

Over the weekend, Miss Fox joined her “Transformers” costar Shia LaBeouf as a presenter at the 2009 Kids’ Choice Awards at UCLA’s Pauley Pavilion.

With their hit movie’s sequel coming out on May 20, the pair promoted away as they awared “Favorite Animated Voice From a Movie” to Jack Black for his work in “Kung Fu Panda”.

Rihanna & Frankie Delgado

Turns out the source of rumors claiming Rihanna is dating Brody Jenner leech Frankie Delgado is, holy shit, Frankie Delgado. Who saw that coming? Besides me and anyone with the cognizance to realize The Hills is scripted. Page Six reports:

Spies said, "Frankie is total bull[bleep] and is now using her to try and get press on himself. He got her to come to Le Deux and then sold her out so he could see his name in print. He even told people she was dancing on tables -- which is wrong."

Because you know what's always a great thing to do to a girl who just got out of an abusive relationship? Immediately exploit her so you can score chicks at the club. It's like a magical fairy tale come to life. Whee!

Cougar Club Picks Perfect 10's

Just when you thought it was safe to go out in Red Bank, along came “The Perfect 10’s”.

"Being pretty isn’t easy. Being pretty, smart, effective in the workplace, and a great girlfriend while maintaining a level of hotness that most people would call a “10” is nearly unheard of,” said Susan Teledonkiss, a 37 year old former Prom Queen and unofficial Cougar-in-Denial. A self-proclaimed singer, songwriter, scientist, cat owner, and employee of the month at Barbizon Beauty School since they started the program in January, humility comes to Teledonkiss effortlessly. “It takes dedication. You might not make a lot of friends being a Perfect 10, but that's just what life is like when you're hot and...like really, really smart. You know what I mean? I don’t get lonely though, because a lot of times I’d rather hang out with myself than someone less attractive, and not as smart. But sometimes a girl needs to know that there are others out there like her, and it’s OK to be perfect. So, I decided to start a club where I could find Perfect Girls just like me.”

The candidate search for The Perfect 10’s Club brought Susan to Buena Sera, in Red Bank New Jersey. Buena Sera is a much-heralded Italian Restaurant with red velvet chairs, plush leather barstools, dark mahogany tables, and elaborate chandeliers. It prides itself on being super sexy. The bar at Buena Sera is well known for its large collection of cougars, men with great hair, and an array of rich cologne and perfume that could rival a night on the town in Milan.

As I arrived at Buena Sera to meet Susan, I was greeted by a portly gentlemen with a thick nose, multicolored tight sweater, a great tan, and an heir of superiority that one would expect to receive in such a super sexy environment. When I asked where I might find Miss Teledonkiss he pointed upstairs to the bar area.

Susan was sitting at the corner of the bar wearing a tight, red, low-cut dress advertising the upper regions of her areola . With her platinum blonde from-the-bottle look, and her steely blue eyes, she sat sipping a vodka cranberry. She seemed to enjoy sharing her fairly-new silicone filled breasts with the bar crowd…so I joined her.

“I came in and sat down, ordered my drink, and he just gave it to me. Didn’t ask for money or anything,” Susan giggled, referring to the bartender “it’s fun being me.”

As we sat at the bar, Susan scoped the area for potential cohorts of hotness. Her stealth approach was reminiscent of a lone wolf quietly looking down upon a room of lesser beasts. The sipping and staring lasted quite some time.

“Not much going on here tonight. Looks like I’m the hottest one in the room…again.”

As I looked around the room, there were plenty of smiling women with firm fitness club physiques enjoying their drinks, and laughing with friends. Sure they were a bit older, but most likely former prom queens themselves. So I decided to ask Susan why she thought these women were unworthy of joining in her quest for a Club of Aryan Smoke Stacks.

She began pointing out the imperfection in each of the individuals mingling in the bar area,” too fat…weird face…just eewww,” and so on. It looked like she wasn’t going to find any pals at Buena Sera, so I paid for my drink...Susan put on her coat, and I proceeded to walk her out.

“Excusme… excusme… SirI” I turned around to see that it was the bartender calling out to me. “Yes”, I said.
“The drink. Aren’t you going to pay for it?
“I thought I did”
“No. I meant the one for the lady”

I looked at Susan, and she immediately stormed over to the bar in a huff, and paid for her lone vodka cranberry. Turning from the bar she walked past me, brushed her hair off her shoulders and descended the staircase to the door. I guess she was headed over to another Red Bank hot spot in search of free drinks and hot friends.

When I caught up with Susan via email the following day, she apologized profusely in regards to her abrupt exit. "I don't usually do things like that. It's just like really, really hard sometimes when people give you mixed signals like that bartender. He only made me pay for that drink because you showed up. It's not your fault or anything :) Guys are just weird like that. So do you plan on doing a follow up story on "The Perfect 10's"? I've taken my cause to the internet and am beginning to meet a lot of women who are just like me. We're even looking into starting our own social networking site with the help of entrepreneur, Roger de la Soul. Wish me luck :)."

We wish Susan the best in her cyber search for women who can't let go of their glory days. Hopefully she'll find all the validation she's ever needed to continue living her life as one of The Worlds "Perfect 10's".

Randomness

I've won "a major award!" I'm always shocked when I get one of these. ♥ÐÅyÐяєÅмє®♥, from a land far, far away has declared me to be a Philosopher. Who knew I had it in me? But thank you for this.

---

We here in America are installing government cameras on every street and corner, just like in the book "1984", in order to make sure that the innocent aren't innocent for very long.


The Wall Street Journal reported that citizens are increasingly enraged by the constant mechanical policing and harassment, but law enforcement, as always, insists that this presumption of citizens' guilt is "necessary" to help them better police us all, as our cities become nothing more than large, heavily populated prisons complete with guards always looking over everyone's shoulder, waiting for an excuse to charge everyone with wrongdoing.

"For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" - everyone will break the law if monitored long enough. It's simply a matter of time.

Meanwhile, the police themselves are dealing with patrol cars that have been fitted with both video cameras as well as GPS systems, enabling the central command center to monitor their every move and micromanage them day in and day out. This makes for very happy, satisfied police officers, of course, because everyone likes to be micromanaged while simultaneously dealing with drunks, gang bangers, and ordinary citizens who are increasingly enraged at their own state of constant surveillance and resulting loss of liberty.

---

I've noticed that the front page of the Wall Street Journal was designed specifically for poop-reading. It has all the most important headlines listed, with a small summary of the stories, in a long column down the left side of page one. It's just right for sitting on a toilet scanning the world's events. It's as if they created it just for me!

---

I've noticed that since moving from a mini-truck (4-cylinder 'ute') to a full-sized V8 4-wheel-drive complete with shining steel brush guard, other drivers treat me differently. I drive exactly the same as I did before, except that I tend to fall back a little further behind the car in front of me due to my vehicle being heavier and harder to stop. But the other drivers seem to react as if I were doing the opposite and riding their asses. They screw with me more than ever and display more passive/aggressive rage than I'm accustomed to after so many years of driving my mini. I drove my mini-truck like a go-cart. It wasn't much more than one anyway. But whenever the passive/aggressives screwed with me in that, it was simply because I was small and made an easy target for cowardly wannabe bullies. Now that I'm big and hard to push around, they all react towards me as if I were driving along swinging a long chain across their windshields and screaming, "give us the fuel, Road Warrior, and we'll let you live!"


In other words, they're more hostile than ever.

---

With all of these police swarming American drivers everywhere I go, and especially in Alabama's Rocket City, you'd think they'd be cashing in on all the passive/aggressives illegally blocking the passing lanes of every highway. After all, there's so many passive/aggressive drivers and they are so blatant about it, if a city were in need of cash ticketing these rolling roadblocks would be an easy quick-fix for budget shortfalls. But no, they all focus instead on catching soccer moms in SUVs going 1 mph over the limit, gradually increasing the rage and unhappiness of the average driver and encouraging more passive/aggressive driving as a sort of forced slow-down begins, turning highways into virtual parking lots.

There is a large interstate that cuts through the center of the Rocket City where the speed limit is 70 mph. But citizens there average around 50-55 mph while driving on it, lining up like lemmings, never letting anyone change lanes without a fight, and turning a road intended to increase efficiency of travel into a continuous parade of silent rage.

---

This weekend while responding to a 'tag' on Facebook, I wrote the following mind-boggling insanity at around 2 a.m.:

30. Do you believe in angels and demons?
"Well, the Bible is pretty clear about both, unlike all that stuff in Revelations that I can't quite figure out. I mean, is it really Russia and China that are going to invade Israel, or could it be a metaphor for Australia and New Zealand, 'cause you know Mel Gibson said his dad hated the Jews and it got me to thinking, what if the Australians secretly were plotting to invade Israel using an army of mounties on kangaroos, with Kiwis as reserve troops riding wallabies and chucking angry, rabid koalas like grenades? No one would ever expect it. It would be the perfect plan! The only problem with it is that the Aussies and Kiwis really only ever get mad enough to fight over things like Cricket and Rugby. So I don't know, but it could happen, if maybe Israel ever beat them in a game of cricket or rugby or something."

Something about this idea of an army of Aussies mounted on kangaroos hurling angry koalas at the enemy just cracks me up. I could see this becoming a new sport for drunken bogans, except for a few minor details:

A) I doubt the kangaroos would tolerate grown men riding on their backs

B) grabbing an angry koala in order to throw it would probably be suicidal, and

C) the whole thing is undoubtably illegal as hell.

But aside for that, what a spectacular idea! I am a genius!

---

More of my random strokes of genius, this one from an email I was writing to a 24-year-old hot girl:

"There is pretty much no bad time for a good "boob shirt". I mean, even at weddings and funerals a proper boob-'attire' can be worn. Boobs are basically the center of all fashion. I think the whole fashion industry was created as a way to highlight boobs and then just sort of spread out from there."


Boobs
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