Retarded Teenager Challenges Obama to Bowling Match

Andrew Demarian, 17 of Happague, NY spent this Thursday night the same way he has spent every other Thursday night since he began his 7th grade year at Happague Junior High School in 2004: watching the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. A young man filled with energy, and smiles for all who meet him, Andrew was brimming with excitement because of Jay’s special guest, President Barak Obama. “I would have voted for him, if I could…but now, I wouldn’t vote for him. I just want to beat him in bowling real bad”, said Andrew earnestly.

Andrew Demarian is not your average retarded teenager, he is a three time Special Olympic Bowling Champion. “He’s been rolling around on bowling balls since he came out of the womb”, explained his mother, Alice, a dental hygenist and proud mother of two teenage boys, Andrew, and his younger brother Cal, 13. The Demarian’s think of themselves as a very lucky American family. Joe, the Patriarch of the Demarian crew is a welder with the local 218 out of Huntington Station. The 218 has worked on many large construction projects in the New York Area, including the 2nd Avenue subway, currently under way. “I’ll tell you one thing: if Obama thinks he’s getting my vote next time around he can forget it. I’m going with Limbaugh. At least he’s not afraid to say what’s really on his mind. And one thing that’s never on his mind is whether or not his bowling skills are better than those who lay it on the line every summer in the Special Olympics. These kids are craftsmen with a hell of a lot more heart than he’ll ever know. That’s it. I’m done with Obama”, said Joe.

Deputy Press Secretary, Bill Burton, released the following statement yesterday.

"The president made an offhand remark making fun of his own bowling that was in no way intended to disparage the Special Olympics," Burton explained. "He thinks that the Special Olympics are a wonderful program that gives an opportunity to shine to people with disabilities from around the world. Also, he is fully aware of the challenge that has been put forth by retarded teenager, Andrew Demarian, and would like to publicly decline. The President is not one to walk away from a challenge, so he would like to propose a Game of Connect 4 or Parcheesi instead. The President feels more proficient in the aforementioned games, and would be more comfortable in this type of competitive environment.”

Upon hearing this news, Joe Demarian had this to say.

“Obama can’t spin his way out of this. There’s not gonna be any Connect 4 or God Damn Parcheesi. It’s bowling pal. And if you’re not ready, and you don’t show up to Patsy’s Lanes on the Jericho Turnpike in Woodbury on Saturday night, we’ll know that you’re chicken. I tell you this, if this guy doesn’t show up for a bowling challenge, how the hell do we know what else he won’t show up for”, yelled Joe, before slamming the door in my face.

As I turned to walk away, I could hear the theme song to the new reality series So Rich begin to play in the background. And then over the music came a banging at the window. I turned around to see the 70’s flannel curtains pulled back, and Andrew’s chocolate covered smiling face in the window as he yelled “Obama’s goin’ down at Patsy’s.” He began to laugh and shake his body as excited retarded teenagers do, and then he retreated behind the flannel.

Patsy’s is located at 1636 Jericho Turnpike at the intersetion of Old Country Road, across the street from PC Richards, and next door to the Arby’s. There has been no date set forth for the proposed board game challenge, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.