Here it is; another Friday. Fridays are typically when I post something painfully witty and undeniably hilarious. I had some great ideas... to be swiped by Roode and Tresckow. First, Roode takes a bloody five finger discount on my idea to decree "Boondock Saints" as the official movie for Saint Patrick's day. Then, Tresckow takes it upon himself to slap a critique of "Hell's Kitchen" on the FWTC. OK. Fine. I can roll with the punches.
JackassesSo, whatever. I'm happy I could provide such inspiration for two columnists who apparently don't have an original thought in their heads. I'm not bitter. I'm happy. Very fucking happy. I can't wipe this grin off my face.
I can't take anything away from those two. This week's articles were great. I'm glad I could be a part of it. I'm not bitter. Really. I'm happy for the site that could provide the public with such hilarity. It's great that the three of our heads could crank out two stories. Besides, both surely are eager to give me credit where credit is due. But, just to make sure, I gave them both a chatting to.
Tresckow is on the other side of the country. So, baring a face to face conversation, I had to settle for a call to his cell at 10 at night, his time.
Tresckow (answering the phone): You better have my fucking money Mario!
Adel: Tresckow?
*SILENCE*
Adel: Um, great piece on "Hell's Kitchen." It's almost as good as the one I pitched to you three weeks ago.
Tresckow: Who is this?
Adel: Me. You know? Adel? The one who pitched the "Hell's Kitchen" idea to you three weeks ago. You said it was a shitty idea and to do something about the "Watchmen" movie.
Tresckow: Oh yea. Lucky you didn't do that article. That idea sucked. How did you get this number?
Adel: Sucked so much you took it for yourself and published it two days ago? I've had your number for eleven years...
Tresckow: No no no. My idea was completely different. It was on "Hell's Kitchen." It had nothing to do with purses.
Adel: Purses? No, Tresckow. I pitched an idea on writing a critique about "Hell's Kitchen." Remember? How there is really no one to root for like there was last year? Except, somehow, you related everything to Eliza Dushku again.
Tresckow: Mmmmm. Eliza Dushku. You know, when I see her on "Dollhouse" I want to take my pants off.. if I was wearing pants... but I would take them off..
Adel: Tresckow! No. Focus. The "Hell's Kitchen" article you posted this week.
Tresckow: I mean I can't really wear pants when I watch her in that show...
Adel: Hey! Come on. Concentrate. "Hell's Kitchen."
Tresckow: .... like a rock, baby. Erection!
Adel: "Hell's Kitchen." The article. On the blog. HELL'S KITCHEN!
Tresckow: Yeah, did you like it? I thought of it a couple of weeks ago while downing a bottle of bourbon.
Adel: No. Tresckow. I pitched the idea to you three weeks ago. You told me it was a bad idea. I had to see "Watchmen" so I would have something to write about. WATCHMEN, Tresckow. Fucking Watchmen!
Tresckow: Yeah, you liked it or hated it, or something. I haven't read your article yet.
Adel: It was about all the bare ass in the film. Remember? Girl ass. Blue ass, etc.
Tresckow: Who is this?
Adel: Can you at least share a credit with me on the byline?
Tresckow: Haha. Blue ass. You should write something about that.
Adel: Are you drunk?
Tresckow: Of course you can borrow my blue ass idea. Just share the credit.
Adel: You're such a wanker.
Tresckow: Look, I have to go. I think Adel is going to call me later.
*CLICK*
Right. Tresckow and his raging alcoholism were a dead end. I live close to Roode. He all but admitted lifting his Boondock Saints idea from me. Hell, he almost gave me credit. If I corner him, he'll likely buckle like a belt. I am, after all , a force to be reckoned with. So, Thursday afternoon, I took it upon myself to visit Roode at his office. For the sake of privacy, I won't reveal who he works for. Let's just say this group is nationally renowned for being over paid, lazy tossers.
*Knock knock*
Adel: Roode?
Roode: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Adel: ROODE. Wake the hell up. It's 2 in the afternoon.
Roode (jerks awake, nearly falling out of his chair): I'm on it.
Adel: What?
Roode: Oh, Adel. Shit, I thought you were someone important. Did you bring me crab ragoons?
Adel: Um, no. No. I didn't. I want to talk to you about your Boondock Saints article last week.
Roode: So.... you'll bring the crab ragoons later?
Adel: There are no bloody crab ragoons. This is about the website. The blog. Remember? The Fuse Was Too Cold.
Roode: Oh yea. That thing. Sorry, I had a shitty morning. This asshole driving a Volvo with a Sheridan College window sticker kept fucking with me on the way to work this morning. Son of a bitch!
Adel: Roode. I know. You posted an article about it two days ago.
Roode: That really happened? Shit, I thought I was writing an email.
Adel: Alright. Well, you took the idea for the Boondock Saints Saint Patrick's day thing from me. You were over my place the weekend before. I told you how the Boondock Saints should be the official Saint Patrick's day movie. You stole it from my DVD cabinet.
Roode: I don't recall that. I'm working.
Adel: Roode. You were asleep when I came in.
Roode: Conserving energy for the afternoon rush. You know? My daily run to Starbucks.
Adel: Come on, Roode. I see my DVD on your desk.
Roode (knocking the DVD onto the floor, then kicking it under his file cabinet): There's nothing here? Just official business. Very busy. (Randomly going through stacks of blank papers feigning work)
Adel: All I'm asking is for some direct credit on the article. I'm happy to help you with ideas. Just give credit where credit is due.
Roode (picking up his phone): Security? There's some redhead in my office waving around a gun. Get in here right away. And bring some crab ragoons.
_________________________________________________________________
I can't take anything away from those two. This week's articles were great. I'm glad I could be a part of it. I'm not bitter. Really. I'm happy for the site that could provide the public with such hilarity. It's great that the three of our heads could crank out two stories. Besides, both surely are eager to give me credit where credit is due. But, just to make sure, I gave them both a chatting to.
Tresckow is on the other side of the country. So, baring a face to face conversation, I had to settle for a call to his cell at 10 at night, his time.
Tresckow (answering the phone): You better have my fucking money Mario!
Adel: Tresckow?
*SILENCE*
Adel: Um, great piece on "Hell's Kitchen." It's almost as good as the one I pitched to you three weeks ago.
Tresckow: Who is this?
Adel: Me. You know? Adel? The one who pitched the "Hell's Kitchen" idea to you three weeks ago. You said it was a shitty idea and to do something about the "Watchmen" movie.
Tresckow: Oh yea. Lucky you didn't do that article. That idea sucked. How did you get this number?
Adel: Sucked so much you took it for yourself and published it two days ago? I've had your number for eleven years...
Tresckow: No no no. My idea was completely different. It was on "Hell's Kitchen." It had nothing to do with purses.
Adel: Purses? No, Tresckow. I pitched an idea on writing a critique about "Hell's Kitchen." Remember? How there is really no one to root for like there was last year? Except, somehow, you related everything to Eliza Dushku again.
Tresckow: Mmmmm. Eliza Dushku. You know, when I see her on "Dollhouse" I want to take my pants off.. if I was wearing pants... but I would take them off..
Adel: Tresckow! No. Focus. The "Hell's Kitchen" article you posted this week.
Tresckow: I mean I can't really wear pants when I watch her in that show...
Adel: Hey! Come on. Concentrate. "Hell's Kitchen."
Tresckow: .... like a rock, baby. Erection!
Adel: "Hell's Kitchen." The article. On the blog. HELL'S KITCHEN!
Tresckow: Yeah, did you like it? I thought of it a couple of weeks ago while downing a bottle of bourbon.
Adel: No. Tresckow. I pitched the idea to you three weeks ago. You told me it was a bad idea. I had to see "Watchmen" so I would have something to write about. WATCHMEN, Tresckow. Fucking Watchmen!
Tresckow: Yeah, you liked it or hated it, or something. I haven't read your article yet.
Adel: It was about all the bare ass in the film. Remember? Girl ass. Blue ass, etc.
Tresckow: Who is this?
Adel: Can you at least share a credit with me on the byline?
Tresckow: Haha. Blue ass. You should write something about that.
Adel: Are you drunk?
Tresckow: Of course you can borrow my blue ass idea. Just share the credit.
Adel: You're such a wanker.
Tresckow: Look, I have to go. I think Adel is going to call me later.
*CLICK*
Right. Tresckow and his raging alcoholism were a dead end. I live close to Roode. He all but admitted lifting his Boondock Saints idea from me. Hell, he almost gave me credit. If I corner him, he'll likely buckle like a belt. I am, after all , a force to be reckoned with. So, Thursday afternoon, I took it upon myself to visit Roode at his office. For the sake of privacy, I won't reveal who he works for. Let's just say this group is nationally renowned for being over paid, lazy tossers.
*Knock knock*
Adel: Roode?
Roode: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Adel: ROODE. Wake the hell up. It's 2 in the afternoon.
Roode (jerks awake, nearly falling out of his chair): I'm on it.
Adel: What?
Roode: Oh, Adel. Shit, I thought you were someone important. Did you bring me crab ragoons?
Adel: Um, no. No. I didn't. I want to talk to you about your Boondock Saints article last week.
Roode: So.... you'll bring the crab ragoons later?
Adel: There are no bloody crab ragoons. This is about the website. The blog. Remember? The Fuse Was Too Cold.
Roode: Oh yea. That thing. Sorry, I had a shitty morning. This asshole driving a Volvo with a Sheridan College window sticker kept fucking with me on the way to work this morning. Son of a bitch!
Adel: Roode. I know. You posted an article about it two days ago.
Roode: That really happened? Shit, I thought I was writing an email.
Adel: Alright. Well, you took the idea for the Boondock Saints Saint Patrick's day thing from me. You were over my place the weekend before. I told you how the Boondock Saints should be the official Saint Patrick's day movie. You stole it from my DVD cabinet.
Roode: I don't recall that. I'm working.
Adel: Roode. You were asleep when I came in.
Roode: Conserving energy for the afternoon rush. You know? My daily run to Starbucks.
Adel: Come on, Roode. I see my DVD on your desk.
Roode (knocking the DVD onto the floor, then kicking it under his file cabinet): There's nothing here? Just official business. Very busy. (Randomly going through stacks of blank papers feigning work)
Adel: All I'm asking is for some direct credit on the article. I'm happy to help you with ideas. Just give credit where credit is due.
Roode (picking up his phone): Security? There's some redhead in my office waving around a gun. Get in here right away. And bring some crab ragoons.
_________________________________________________________________
When not attempting to write for The Fuse Was Too Cold, Adel can be found plotting her revenge on Tresckow and Roode. She doesn't know what it's going to be. But, it might involve Exlax.
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