Guido Raising Money For Calf Implants

MP- Memorial Day weekend, the unofficial beginning of summer vacation at the Jersey Shore, is just two months away. An action packed display of the tanned, toned beautiful people from parts unknown (Staten Island) trying to make memories they can pass onto their kids, and discover romantic connections they can hold onto forever; or until they pop the question with a diamond from Zales.

One such individual, Donnie Massengill, is doing something a little different this year to prepare for a successful summer at the Shore: calf implants.

In an increasingly competitive environment, Massengill feels that a new set of robust calves will give him the edge he needs to bring the ladies to their knees.

“I’ve been workin’ out all year. Mostly upper body cause I like to watch myself when I’m getting’ my lift on,” explained Donnie. “But I haven’t been able to get my calves goin’. I blame my Dad cause he’s got small calves. Not that he’s not ripped though, cause he is. He’s a great fuckin’ guy, and I’ll fight anyone right now who says he isn’t. It’s just his calves…they’re small.”

Donnie told me that his purchase of a pair of sailor white Capri pants are what inspired him to get his calves in top form.

“I was at Express Men in the Monmouth Mall, and I saw these things. I knew I had to have ‘em. I mean I was gonna look so good in these! But when I put ‘em on…I saw...my calves looked like linguine. I knew at that moment, I had to fuckin’ get implants.”

There is only one problem: Donnie is short on cash. In an effort to raise the capital, Massengill has been placing ads on Craigs List, and sleeping with his mother's friends from the beauty parlor for cash. "I don't mind bangin' old ladies. They love that shit. It makes 'em feel special to get it from a good lookin' guy like me; especially when they know it's for a good cause," said Donnie.

When we asked how fund raising was going in areas other than the beauty parlor fund, he had this to say: " I mean Craigs List has some stiff competition with all the little kids lookin' for livers and stuff like that, so I might look into offering my personal services online too."

Donnie scheduled an appointment with Dr. Moishe Rosenbaum of Marlboro to perform the surgery on April 17. “Ya gotta go with a Jewish Doctor for this kind of stuff. They really know what they're doin'," Donnie said. He does not seem concerned with raising the necessary capital in time. "If worse comes to worse, I'll just make my Dad pay for it. After all, how can he resist this face," stated a peculiar looking demure Donnie. Massengill, a devout Catholic, purposely scheduled the procedure after the Easter holiday. " My Mom would whoop my ass if I missed Easter for my calves, ya know?”

We’ll be sure to keep our eyes out for Donnie at the Shore this summer. He’ll be hard to miss with his bright orange tan, sailor white short-man-pants, and his brand new clean-shaven bulging calves. Go Donnie. This summer’s yours!