-Tresckow
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An outright mystery to the 1980's. Is it a code? A message?
The name of a new Buck Rodgers character?
All this for a mini reel to reel player?
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By, Ren
I've never been good at figuring out who is what generation and why. Society gives these cute nicknames for each successive social generation that follows the old, out of date one. Specifically, I'm referring to Generation X and Generation Y. I'm a member of the latter and enjoy making fun of our predecessors. You Gen Xers get so irritated with us for "not having it as rough" as you had it as kids. Or, "taking the cushy techno lifestyle that "you" built for granted. What does that even mean? Did you have to walk to school, in the snow, uphill, both ways? Um, no. It means the internet was still a plot point on Next Gen and "LOL" didn't mean shit.
I've never been good at figuring out who is what generation and why. Society gives these cute nicknames for each successive social generation that follows the old, out of date one. Specifically, I'm referring to Generation X and Generation Y. I'm a member of the latter and enjoy making fun of our predecessors. You Gen Xers get so irritated with us for "not having it as rough" as you had it as kids. Or, "taking the cushy techno lifestyle that "you" built for granted. What does that even mean? Did you have to walk to school, in the snow, uphill, both ways? Um, no. It means the internet was still a plot point on Next Gen and "LOL" didn't mean shit.
An outright mystery to the 1980's. Is it a code? A message? The name of a new Buck Rodgers character?
Look, Gen X, we can't help that you only had the primordial ooze of what exists today. We grew up with Windows, cruise control in every car, power windows, digital everything, and air conditioning as far as the eye can see. The very idea that Gen Y has little knowledge of or respect for the technological "innovations" that set the stage for the information age seems to piss many of you off. When it comes down to it, the 80's might as well be the Dark Ages to us. We really don't give a shit about....
1. Audio Cassettes
I found one, once. It was dusty and warped. It was sort of like finding an arrowhead. Sure, it's completely useless compared to today's technology, but it was the best you could do waaaay back then.
I don't get it. What's the brownish stuff in that little window thingy?
1. Audio Cassettes
I found one, once. It was dusty and warped. It was sort of like finding an arrowhead. Sure, it's completely useless compared to today's technology, but it was the best you could do waaaay back then.
I don't get it. What's the brownish stuff in that little window thingy?I know this was a great the great leap forward in audio technology. God knows you spent enough time and money advertising these things as the second coming of audio Jesus.
All this for a mini reel to reel player?
It was crap. You know it and I know it. Come on, the previous piece of audio genius was the 8 Track. I don't even know what the hell that was. Sure, I've see vinyl albums being tossed around as collectors' items. But, I'm not really noticing a lot of 8 Tracks, let alone twenty year old Maxell cassettes flying off the shelves at antique stores the world over. Why would that be? Oh, that's right; for the same reasons we don't cherish used diapers and heavily stained jock straps.
Not being stocked in an antique store near you.
Festive on the outside, chocolate brown and lemonade yellow in the inside.
My brother had a Walkman. He loved that thing; it went with him everywhere he went. But, it was the devil's box. Tapes jammed, the controls were cumbersome, and the contraption was roughly the size of semi thick Sodoku book. Except much bulkier. We had to have an intervention for him a few years back. Tears were shed. Harsh words spat at each other. My brother was killing himself with a destructive addiction. He was hopelessly hooked on searching for, then purchasing new Walkmen; which were getting harder and harder to find. Whenever a new ablum came out, he would spend hours and sometimes days to find the cassette version of it. This was two years ago.
I'm sorry, Tom. Cassettes are only useful if you're making cheap table lamps.
Not being stocked in an antique store near you. Festive on the outside, chocolate brown and lemonade yellow in the inside.
My brother had a Walkman. He loved that thing; it went with him everywhere he went. But, it was the devil's box. Tapes jammed, the controls were cumbersome, and the contraption was roughly the size of semi thick Sodoku book. Except much bulkier. We had to have an intervention for him a few years back. Tears were shed. Harsh words spat at each other. My brother was killing himself with a destructive addiction. He was hopelessly hooked on searching for, then purchasing new Walkmen; which were getting harder and harder to find. Whenever a new ablum came out, he would spend hours and sometimes days to find the cassette version of it. This was two years ago.
I'm sorry, Tom. Cassettes are only useful if you're making cheap table lamps.Why it matters to Gen X:
They were portable, easy to come by, and you could record random songs from your favorite top 40's station. Let's not forget the sentimental value finding your old PM Dawn tape brings.
Why Gen Y couldn't care less:
MP3s, IPods, and other digital technology that don't require an occasional re-spooling with an eraser from a #2 pencil. We even use CDs as coasters now.
2. Nintendo Entertainment System
The original NES was like the discovery of fire to Gen x. Until that point there was Pong. It must have been awesome to have more than two lines and a square "ball" on the screen. Finally, you could play a game in color with "realistic" sounds. Beep, boop, and whup whup whup are realistic sounds, right?
It's catchy. I'll give you that.
This gray box of joy was on the gift list of every child. From what I hear, you might as well have hanged yourself if you didn't find this thing under your Christmas tree or um, Hanukkah bush. I guess the amazing duo of Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt were the equivalent of having a double orgasm.
Got a cigarette?
I've seen this plastic paperweight on ebay. The price varies, depending on how desperate the buyer is to relive his childhood. Some sell for as low as .99. Others, at the more ridiculous cost of $300+. For that amount you could buy a brand new WII and have enough money left over for a DVD of cable rated porn.
Not strong on plot, but excellent visual effects.
Why it matters to Gen X:
This brings back the proverbial "shit load" of childhood memories. This was history in the making. It was about time primitive gamers could vicariously live through a short, fat, mustachioed Italian stereotype. This was "real" gaming. There was no online competition (primarily because the www was considered a stutter, then). Who cares if Linx's key looks like a yellow penis? It was all about the game. It was about SKILL! Well, that's until Game Genie came out and every mouth breather was a gaming superstar.
Pictured: The downfall of skill.
Why Gen Y couldn't care less:
WII, XBox, online FPS, and so on and so on.... Don't wax all philosophical about the carefree days of Super Mario Brothers. We can play it on WII and it still sucks. Even Mario has abandoned Super Mario Brothers. He spends his time racing his fellow multicolored goons for money and blood. Mario Kart is a little like Death Proof, only not.
God, I wish. I really, really wish.
3. Cordless Phones
Now, why would I rail against something we still use today? Hell, I'm within walking distance of one right now. How is it possible that Gen Y couldn't give a coyote shit about something we still hold dear?
We understand that the advent of cordless phones was liberating. No longer were people tethered to their button studded oppressor.
Shackles of
communication
oppression
The first cordless phones, not unlike the first cell phones, were pretty big. Carrying one was like walking around with a field radio in Vietnam. In order to get shitty reception, you had to fully extend the antenna. For the best reception, you pretty much had to stand next to the primary antenna. So, really, the maximum distance most of the early cordless phones was roughly three feet from its base.
Illusion of freedom.
The technology got a lot better and, suddenly, everyone had a cordless phone. Those who had a telephone line capable of touch tone dialing, that is. Today, the cordless is as standard as a fridge with ice maker and an indoor toilet (does not apply to Utah).
Why it matters to Gen X:
It was that technological innovation that allowed teenagers all over the world to to have phone sex without the phone cord leading right to your hideout. It would take your parents longer to track you down, at least. Of course, due to the whole shitty reception thing, you still had to stay relatively close to the base. That could make for awkward dinner conversation if it was in the kitchen. Also, from what I hear, the telescoping antenna made for some pretty good fencing.
Why Gen Y couldn't care less:
As far as we're concerned, this shit has always been around. We've even taken it a step further and applied the same technology to cell phones. We can have phone sex ANYWHERE now! That, and with all the features modern cells bring (text, web, cameras you can use to take pics of someone on the toilet) house phones are pretty much for decoration now. Can a cordless house phone play a Miley Cyrus song or a homoerotic sound byte from "Twilight?' Didn't think so.
4: VCR's
Now this was the pinnacle of Gen X's technological achievements. Yes, I'm including the Apple IIe and DOS.
A paperweight? Door stop? Blunt instrument? WTF is this?
No longer was society a slave to the MAN's schedule. Is Night Court airing at 9? Damn it! You're going to be out shopping for the perfect tee shirt to wear underneath that nifty pastel suit and loafers you can wear without socks. Not to fear! VCR is here!
Superhero!
They were portable, easy to come by, and you could record random songs from your favorite top 40's station. Let's not forget the sentimental value finding your old PM Dawn tape brings.
Why Gen Y couldn't care less:
MP3s, IPods, and other digital technology that don't require an occasional re-spooling with an eraser from a #2 pencil. We even use CDs as coasters now.
2. Nintendo Entertainment System
The original NES was like the discovery of fire to Gen x. Until that point there was Pong. It must have been awesome to have more than two lines and a square "ball" on the screen. Finally, you could play a game in color with "realistic" sounds. Beep, boop, and whup whup whup are realistic sounds, right?It's catchy. I'll give you that.
This gray box of joy was on the gift list of every child. From what I hear, you might as well have hanged yourself if you didn't find this thing under your Christmas tree or um, Hanukkah bush. I guess the amazing duo of Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt were the equivalent of having a double orgasm.
Got a cigarette?I've seen this plastic paperweight on ebay. The price varies, depending on how desperate the buyer is to relive his childhood. Some sell for as low as .99. Others, at the more ridiculous cost of $300+. For that amount you could buy a brand new WII and have enough money left over for a DVD of cable rated porn.
Not strong on plot, but excellent visual effects.Why it matters to Gen X:
This brings back the proverbial "shit load" of childhood memories. This was history in the making. It was about time primitive gamers could vicariously live through a short, fat, mustachioed Italian stereotype. This was "real" gaming. There was no online competition (primarily because the www was considered a stutter, then). Who cares if Linx's key looks like a yellow penis? It was all about the game. It was about SKILL! Well, that's until Game Genie came out and every mouth breather was a gaming superstar.
Pictured: The downfall of skill.Why Gen Y couldn't care less:
WII, XBox, online FPS, and so on and so on.... Don't wax all philosophical about the carefree days of Super Mario Brothers. We can play it on WII and it still sucks. Even Mario has abandoned Super Mario Brothers. He spends his time racing his fellow multicolored goons for money and blood. Mario Kart is a little like Death Proof, only not.
God, I wish. I really, really wish. 3. Cordless Phones
Now, why would I rail against something we still use today? Hell, I'm within walking distance of one right now. How is it possible that Gen Y couldn't give a coyote shit about something we still hold dear?
We understand that the advent of cordless phones was liberating. No longer were people tethered to their button studded oppressor.
Shackles ofcommunication
oppression
Society's telephone
Independence Day.
Independence Day.
The first cordless phones, not unlike the first cell phones, were pretty big. Carrying one was like walking around with a field radio in Vietnam. In order to get shitty reception, you had to fully extend the antenna. For the best reception, you pretty much had to stand next to the primary antenna. So, really, the maximum distance most of the early cordless phones was roughly three feet from its base.
Illusion of freedom.The technology got a lot better and, suddenly, everyone had a cordless phone. Those who had a telephone line capable of touch tone dialing, that is. Today, the cordless is as standard as a fridge with ice maker and an indoor toilet (does not apply to Utah).
Why it matters to Gen X:
It was that technological innovation that allowed teenagers all over the world to to have phone sex without the phone cord leading right to your hideout. It would take your parents longer to track you down, at least. Of course, due to the whole shitty reception thing, you still had to stay relatively close to the base. That could make for awkward dinner conversation if it was in the kitchen. Also, from what I hear, the telescoping antenna made for some pretty good fencing.
Why Gen Y couldn't care less:
As far as we're concerned, this shit has always been around. We've even taken it a step further and applied the same technology to cell phones. We can have phone sex ANYWHERE now! That, and with all the features modern cells bring (text, web, cameras you can use to take pics of someone on the toilet) house phones are pretty much for decoration now. Can a cordless house phone play a Miley Cyrus song or a homoerotic sound byte from "Twilight?' Didn't think so.
4: VCR's
Now this was the pinnacle of Gen X's technological achievements. Yes, I'm including the Apple IIe and DOS.
A paperweight? Door stop? Blunt instrument? WTF is this?Superhero!I'm not going to get into the Beta versus VHS debate. Quite frankly, if you backed the wrong horse on that one, it's your own fault. No, despite the type (for a while, at least) you could watch your favorite episodes of Falcon Crest on YOUR TERMS. As long as you knew how to program the damn thing. Why the hell is the clock still blinking 12:00? Shit, why did it record The People's Court? I programmed this thing for channel 8 at 10:00 PM, but it recorded channel 10 at 8:00 AM. Why is my menu in French? FUCK, I had it set to SLP instead of EP! You son of a bitch!
Program this, mother fucker!
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When not "writing" for the Fuse Was Too Cold, Ren... well, we really don't know what the hell Ren does. Don't get used to her. We may shit can her, yet.
_________________________________________________________________
Program this, mother fucker!Why it matters to Gen X:
Again, it was about freedom. If you were technologically savvy enough, you could record one channel while watching another. Well, it helped if you were some sort of computer programming expert. Don't want to see the commercials? You don't have to! You can fast forward past them at a slightly faster speed. You even had a remote control... that was tethered to the VCR by 10 feet of black cord. Society can finally tape an entire season of Small Wonder and save it for posterity.
Why Gen Y couldn't care less:
DVDs, DVDRs, DVRs, Ipods, the Internet. We can pretty much watch any episode of any show whenever we want to. Want an entire series? Go to Best Buy and buy it. Need to catch up on this season's JAG? Go to the website and watch it on the computer. Then again, if you watch JAG, you have other problems.
VCR's are still hanging around. For the paranoid, there are plenty of VCR DVD combos to buy, just in case you really want to watch those old Rip Tide tapes. Throw a VCR and a Dell in front of a Gen Y'er, I guarantee he will be able to rig the Dell to auto search porn and hack into the NSA database. However, they'll look at the VCR in the same way modern civilization looks at chamber pots; with pure, unadulterated disgust. Sure, it's what they had to do back then. But, there is absolutely no excuse for it now.
Just add urine.
Again, it was about freedom. If you were technologically savvy enough, you could record one channel while watching another. Well, it helped if you were some sort of computer programming expert. Don't want to see the commercials? You don't have to! You can fast forward past them at a slightly faster speed. You even had a remote control... that was tethered to the VCR by 10 feet of black cord. Society can finally tape an entire season of Small Wonder and save it for posterity.
Why Gen Y couldn't care less:
DVDs, DVDRs, DVRs, Ipods, the Internet. We can pretty much watch any episode of any show whenever we want to. Want an entire series? Go to Best Buy and buy it. Need to catch up on this season's JAG? Go to the website and watch it on the computer. Then again, if you watch JAG, you have other problems.
VCR's are still hanging around. For the paranoid, there are plenty of VCR DVD combos to buy, just in case you really want to watch those old Rip Tide tapes. Throw a VCR and a Dell in front of a Gen Y'er, I guarantee he will be able to rig the Dell to auto search porn and hack into the NSA database. However, they'll look at the VCR in the same way modern civilization looks at chamber pots; with pure, unadulterated disgust. Sure, it's what they had to do back then. But, there is absolutely no excuse for it now.
Just add urine.________________________________________________________________
When not "writing" for the Fuse Was Too Cold, Ren... well, we really don't know what the hell Ren does. Don't get used to her. We may shit can her, yet.
_________________________________________________________________
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