Clinton-appointed District Court Judge Susan Bolton (no relation to Michael Bolton, that fabulous '80s icon that made women swoon) declared that she doesn't like Arizona's laws which echo federal laws governing illegal immigration and is therefore disallowing the state of Arizona from enforcing any laws at all, leading to an immediate spike in speeding, statutory rapes (woo hoo!), and the stealing of cable TV, in addition to kidnapping, drive-by machine-gun shootings, and mass murders. The way her words echoed the Obama White House was too perfectly in-sync to be believed, almost as if she were a hand-puppet with Rahm Emanuel moving his fingers to make her mouth open and close. But surely that can't be, right? Surely pretty female judges and politicians of The Far Left persuasion don't use laws and words as mere tools for political gain rather than as a means to properly lead the nation and protect the rights of The People, right? That would just be crazy and lead to chaos and destruction, and no one wants that. Right? Sure, and Elena Kagan is going to be a strict Constitutionalist judge, just like Sotomayer. You know it, baby.
President Barry "hope and change" Obamination's environmental payoff to the religious Earth-Firsters in the form of banning offshore drilling is having the interesting side-effect of killing every single phony job he has claimed to have 'saved' or 'created' through bogus census rehirings, and then some. It has also caused the United States to lose precious oil rig platforms as the companies owning them cannot afford to have them sitting around idle and have thus made them available to foreign nations effective immediately. They are even now sailing out of our waters and heading to friendlier waters where the value of oil and natural resources is understood and appreciated. Prepare to pay big bucks at the gas pump. Hope and change, baby! Hope and change - that's all you're gonna have left when he finishes with this country.
A secret internet forum was recently exposed in which a who's who of American liberal media personalities and journalists from supposedly competing media sources, including MSNBC, Time, Newsweek, The Economist, Washington Post and the New York Times, regularly came together and plotted strategies for defeating political candidates, including John McCain and Sarah Palin, whom they openly conspired to defame and destroy, and spinning every important news story they covered in order to make the Leftist viewpoint appear to be the only logical and correct view (global warming.) Not surprisingly, the same media sources whose reporters were involved in the conspiracies to defraud and deceive the American People have also refused to cover the story of their own traitorous activities. Anyone who is surprised by any of this has simply not been paying attention.
Professional ethics violator Charlie "Movin' on up" Rangel has been charged with 13 ethics and federal regulation crimes, all of which he appears to be dead-to-rights guilty of. But because he is A) black B) from New York and C) a Democrat, he has received from the Democrat-controlled Congress a slap on the wrist, a pat on the back, and slap on the ass along with a "go get'em, Tiger" as his 'punishment' for a litany of crimes which would land any average American citizen, or Republican, in prison for a good 20 years had any of us so blatantly violated these same laws. Ah, but in a world where race and sex are all that matters, and "justice" is merely a word which Left-wing haters attach to other words in order to justify blatant bigotry and discrimination, like "economic justice", "social justice" or "environmental justice," whatever the fuck that means, justice is merely an empty word, a tool for manipulating The People while robbing them blind and fucking them up the ass, something the Hard Left does better than anyone in history.
Maxine "I ain't did nuthin'" Waters
Meanwhile, California Congresswoman Maxine Waters, an estrogen-twin of Charlie Rangel, has also just been charged with a litany of similar ethics violations, all of which I can guarantee will get her the very same slap on the wrist, pat on the back, but probably no pat on ass unless Hillary Clinton is around.
Rumor has it that both the ethics charges filed and rapidly dealt with against Charlie Rangel, and now Maxine Waters, are a cynical Democrat ploy, much like the oddly-timed assassination of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, to clean house BEFORE an important election in order to make sure the issue is over and done in time for voters to forget, rather than waiting until November and giving Republicans a chance to use these crooks as evidence that this "most ethical Congress in history" is, in fact, the most criminal in history. No one knows where this rumor came from, but it might have been me.
Hope and change
DEAR MEMPHIS
DEAR MEMPHIS: I'm a gay 44-year-old man with self-esteem problems. I have never seen myself as worthy of affection, and I don't consider myself attractive. I have never been in a relationship, and no one outside of my family has ever said "I love you" to me.
I have recently tried to come out of my shell. As a result, the network of people I associate with has tripled -- and I think that has compounded my problem. Aside from parties where everyone is invited, I never hear from any of these people. I have only a couple of good friends, people I can talk to.
I have leaned on my friends to try to help me with my problem. But I'm afraid if I keep unloading on them it'll wear them down, and I don't want to burden them.
I wish I didn't feel so worthless. I know part of my problem is the fact that I am unemployed and worried about money. But this is who I have been my whole life. How do I break the cycle and start feeling good about myself? I'm tired of being lonely all the time. -- LONELY IN CHICAGO
DEAR LOS LONELY BOY: First of all, your self-esteem problems, well, what the hell do you expect me to do about that, tell you you're pretty and witty and gay? Listen, go hire a personal trainer and maybe see a plastic surgeon about some tucking and snipping and sucking. Before you know it, you'll look just like Cher and feel like a million bucks. As for you being 44 and never having been in a relationship, what the hell, dude? You're a gay man in Chicago, for Christ's sake. Or maybe I should say, for Liberace's sake? Our current President is (rumored to be) a gay man from Chicago and if that isn't proof that Chicago has a gigantic population of gay men and very unattractive lesbian women (judging from Obama's lesbian Czar army) I don't know what is. If you're a gay man in Chicago and have never been in a relationship then it is because you aren't even trying. Don't cry to me if you won't even get your ass out there and make an effort. In fact, don't cry to anyone. Stop fucking crying and go learn how to dance to YMCA and Lady GaGa, for fuck's sake, so you can at least be in the running for someone with more balls than you to make a move and give you a shot at a relationship. Get off momma's couch and get yourself to one of the zillion gay nightclubs in downtown Chicago. Are you worried that your lack of self-confidence will sabotage you? Fine, drink several shots of straight Vodka as soon as you walk in the door and I promise you, you will be feeling fine and happy for a good while. Now get out there and find yourself someone to ride your ass like a mechanical bucking bronco! You can do it!
DEAR MEMPHIS: My office was relocated recently, a bit farther away from home than the old one. My new commute involves riding public transportation and then a shared shuttle van.
One of my co-workers, "Phil," rides the same shuttle. He always waits for me to get off the shuttle so he can walk with me to the office. He seems nice enough and well-meaning, but my mornings are my time to prepare myself for the day. He also occasionally touches my arm, which makes me uncomfortable. He also talks about personal things I would rather not hear about.
I would prefer to walk without him, but there is no other way to get to the office. I have debated being 10 minutes late to work each day, but then I would need to stay 10 minutes later and it would be much harder for me to catch the later shuttle.
What do I do? Tell Phil I don't want to walk with him? Walk faster? Go in later? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR WHINY-ASS: Bitch, bitch, bitch! Good God, woman, this is such a total non-issue and yet you make it out to be the end of the mother-lovin' world. Are you telling me you could avoid this whole situation by simply waiting 10 damn minutes, but you aren't willing to? Well then, clearly you enjoy the attention as much as you enjoy bitching to everyone about it. It sounds to me like you don't get much attention and this is all you've got going on, so you're looking for any excuse to broadcast it to the whole world. You clearly enjoy bragging about it, but you don't want to admit you're bragging, so you act all frigid and offended and shit, like the only chance you have at a man is such a horrible burden. Don't worry, honey, with your attitude I have no doubt you will solve your own problem by driving Phil away with your intolerable personality. Here's a final helpful suggestion from me to you: buy a fucking car and drive yourself to work like a normal fucking American and then you can avoid all of this drama and have plenty of 'me' time as well. See, that's what we call win-win, you whiny-assed twat.
* Official Disclaimer - Memphis News is parody, opinion, a slightly more cynical and vulgar report of the latest headlines and top stories with an op/ed, drunken twist. Don't get your panties all in a wad if you don't like my point-of-view. This is a blog, not to be taken any more seriously than CNN or Jane Velez Mitchell on HLN when she screams "there's a war on women" which is also total hysterical bullshit. In short, this is a joke based on actual events currently in the news.
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