Today's News and Headlines

Mee

Obama makes state of union speech during "Glee"
President Obama interrupted the very popular program, "Glee", to make a speech in which he said "I", "Me", "My", and "Mine" over 14,000 times. Reports are that fans of "Glee" rioted in the streets for over 6 hours before being Tasered to death in the genitals by riot police in several American cities. Obama dismissed these reports by waving his hand and stating, "we don't torture. That is to say, we don't torture terrorists or people from other countries. Our own citizens is another matter. We definitely torture them. I mean, that's what the Taser's for. Everybody knows that." 

North Korea resumes firing artillery across border
North Korea began firing artillery at South Korea today, loading their guns with Disney movies rather than artillery shells in order to save costs. A North Korean general whose name no one can pronounce said that the 'childrens' movies, which feature many scenes of sexual violence against males, are ridiculous, destructive and offensive and thus make good weapons to fire into enemy territory because their message corrupts society and normalizes sexual violence against the fathers, husbands and sons of that society, ultimately destroying the entire civilization from within.

College endowments shrink
American colleges and universities have suffered enormous amounts of shrinkage, partly as a result of the stress of financial hardship, but mostly because of the effects of radical feminism, which drives away all healthy males and leaves only pathetic men with small penises to serve as professors and "male feminists." Studies show that the average male college professor of today has a penis over 5 inches shorter than the average male penis of years past. Scientists theorize that this "Tiny Penis Syndrome" might explain why they are perpetually angry at other males.


John Edwards - the Ladies Man
John and Elizabeth Edwards separate after 30 years of cheating
John Edwards, the Great American Breck Girl of the Democratic Party, has left his wife to engage in a full-blown affair with Elin Woods, current wife of Tiger Woods. Tiger, meanwhile, is said to be shacking up with Angelina Jolie, who is rumored to have separated from Brad Pitt for the twelve thousandth time by TMZ. Brad, according to Angelina, is content to masturbate and not be with anyone at this point in his life. "He just finds all that work in having full blown sex to be more trouble than it's worth. I guess older men really don't give a shit. Or maybe it's all the pot he smokes?" Rumors have already begun circulating that Jennifer Aniston has moved back in with Brad and is busily disproving Angelina's claim that Brad prefers masturbation over full blown heterosexual sex.

Californians say state is on wrong course
A majority of California citizens, in what is perhaps the largest ever example of stating the obvious, say that their state is on the wrong course and is likely headed for a very liberalized, green, diverse, tolerant total disaster. As of this writing, no one could be found who disagreed with the basic sentiment, although many chose to blame George Bush rather than California residents' own excessive idealism.

Abortion shooter to testify
A man who stands accused of shooting both an abortion doctor and an abortion protester has agreed to testify at his own trial. Through his attorney he has already stated that he was "just really damn confused and didn't know whether he was strongly for or against abortion, but he knew he felt strongly about it in some way. He just couldn't decide so he shot them both." Regardless of his testimony, he is expected to receive a lot of sexual abuse and torture while in prison and then, once thoroughly traumatized and completely transformed into a real monster, set free again. That's just how we do it here in America cuz we reel smart.

Onion field killer denied parole
The man convicted of viciously slaughtering a field full of onions has been denied parole once again following sometimes violent protests by vegans outside the prison where he is being raped and tortured every day, both by criminally insane inmates as well as sociopathic guards, prior to his ultimate release sometime when no one is paying attention anymore. "We'll wait until the media gets bored with him," warden Linda Tripp said, "and then we'll just quietly send him home. He'll be so crazy by the time he gets out of here that he'll probably kill himself anyway. He's no threat. Unless you get him around a bunch of onions. He really hates those onions."

Zac Enfron to star in spy thriller
Zac Efron, in an attempt to escape from the pedophiles at Walt Disney, is producing and starring in his own film, "Fire," in which he plays a spy who hunts down and kills homosexual pedophiles who prey on young boys in the entertainment industry. When asked if there was any connection between his time with Disney and the rather angry message of the film he stated simply, "what the hell do you think?"


I just want them to stop raping me




And now for a joke I just stole from Ute:

Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout, "Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

Fight! Fight! Fight!

I have been sitting down at this computer week after week, night after night, for hours at a time, trying to take the ideas in my head and put them down here for my blog. Night after night something prevents me from completing a single post. Either the CPU is spinning at 100 percent for no damn reason, or the web browser is giving me fits, or Google just won't seem to find what I'm searching for even though I had it earlier that same day, or I'm distracted by something while I'm trying to write. It's always something. So this time I'm trying to just sit here and fling out whatever is in my head with less documentation, less Googling for supporting data or photos, and a willingness to kill any process, even if it's the damn virus scanner, that gets in my way. Look out, Blog, because I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore! Fucking PC! Fucking Microsoft! Fucking Google! AAAAAAUUUUGHHH!!! 

OK, I feel better. And now, as I calm myself, something has just popped up on the television that has both captured my attention and inspired me about what I want to write. Shazaam!


Tyra Banks
In the past I have slammed on Tyra Banks for various things she has said and done, such as when she said she was a domestic violence victim because she once dated a guy who put her down and made her feel bad with the things he said. But today I found out that she has done something that deserves as much praise as I can come up with. So I'm going to eat my words and all the bad things I've said about her. Apparently in October of last year, Tyra did an entire show on male victims of domestic abuse. She had women on who admit to beating on their men whenever they feel like it and she had men who had been abused or were still being abused. That may not seem like a big deal considering that everyone with a TV show has done this with abused women, but the feminist backlash against her for acknowledging abused men, which our very own President, Vice President, U.S. Senate, Federal Law, Department of Justice, Supreme Court, and all the politically correct colleges and universities, refuse to allow anyone to discuss or acknowledge in any way, is huge. I take it all back, every bad thing I said. I will even get on my knees and kiss her ass if she wants me to. This was really cool of her to do.




Mary J Blige, one week after opening a women's only "domestic violence shelter" in New York, because American law only recognizes women as victims, violently shoved a man aside and punched her husband in the face at a party in front of hundreds of witnesses in a fit of "I own you" jealous rage. She then began screaming at her Domestic Violence Victim husband that he had better not "Chris Brown" her and hit her back, somehow missing the irony in the fact that she is the Chris Brown of their relationship. Unless Rihanna threw the first punch, too. Whatever the case, New York's DV Police and DV Prosecutor have made absolutely no effort to arrest her, and have not even issued a warrant for her arrest. No one is holding their breath waiting for the arrest, though, as Elin Woods has similarly not been arrested or charged. And then there's the injustice of husband-murderer Mary Winkler, and countless others just like her, still burning fresh in everyone's mind.



After the apparent hypocrisy of the husband battering incident began circulating on the internet, Mary J's rep began insisting that it was all a lie and she had only slapped him. Then, realizing that slapping him was still domestic violence, the story changed again and it was insisted that Mary J was very nobly trying to stop a fight between her husband and her brother.

Despite New York being at the heart of the misandric feminist capital of the world, the mandatory arrest for domestic violence, mandatory prosecution to the fullest extent of the law, feminist holy land, no attempt has been made to arrest Mary J. Blige. No charges have been filed or pursued by the Prosecutor's office. Nothing at all has been done about this.

Not one of Mary J. Blige's sponsors has dropped her as their representative despite the fact that she is a violent spouse abuser and worst kind of hypocrite.



Monserrate
New York Democrat state senator, Hiram Monserrate, dragged his girlfriend through a lobby before throwing her to the floor. He was quickly arrested for domestic violence even though he and the woman do not have a domestic relationship. The National Organization for Women and the Democratic Party called for his immediate resignation, no trial needed. Since then, he has been convicted. “The Senate chamber is no place for those who inflict violence on women,” said Senator Brian X. Foley, a Suffolk County Democrat. “For the sake of the New York State Senate, I sincerely hope Senator Monserrate will heed my call and resign immediately. The consequence of his refusal to do so will be a forced expulsion from the Senate.” New York is, on the other hand, just the place for violence against men. Just ask Mary J. Blige.



Charlie Sheen and his wife, Brooke Mueller, were recently doing cocaine all night long and into the early morning hours when, predictably, they started going apeshit crazy and beating on each other. At some point, Mr. Sheen is alleged to have pulled a knife and threatened Brooke with it, which is a felony. Police arrived and arrested Charlie for domestic violence. The couple was believed to be divorcing at this point. A judge ordered them to stay away from each other until Charlie's trial has concluded.

Several of Mr. Sheen's sponsors, including Haynes underwear, have dropped him as their spokesman as a result of his arrest.


So good together.
So bad together
Rumor has it that Brooke was anxious to get back together as quickly as possible and the couple were seen together at a restaurant just this week.



One day you'll cheat on me
And I'll take a 9 iron to your face
Tiger Woods' infidelity to his wife, Elin, is widely known, as is his car accident after she confronted him about it. What is not as well known is that Elin Woods is alleged to have nailed Tiger in the face with the golf club that she chased him out of the house and smashed the windows of his Cadillac Escalde with, breaking 2 teeth and his cheek. The reason Tiger crashed, lay on the ground in near unconciousness, and was not available to speak with police for several days after, is because Elin hurt him so badly that he had to be taken to a surgeon and was trying to hide the extent of the damage. To put it bluntly, she nearly took his head off. Elin has not been arrested or charged with domestic violence, as the police never got a chance to see what had happened and the Woods' attorneys circled the wagons as quickly as possible.

Apparently in response to female anger at Tiger Woods for cheating on his wife, and despite the fact that he is a victim of domestic violence, several of Tiger Woods' sponsors have dropped him as their spokesman.


Those French fuckers
The French government has just made it a criminal domestic-violence-related offense for a man to shout at or insult his wife. The law is expected to cover every kind of insult including repeated rude remarks about a partner's appearance. I am not making this up. In standard feminist fashion, words have been redefined in order to make them mean things which they do not mean, but which make cherished dogma seemingly truthful and sane. France has deemed it "psychological violence" for a man to criticize or insult his wife. The fact that there simply is no "violence" involved is irrelevant. The dogma is all that matters. Oh sure, the law is written to say that it goes both ways. A wife can also be arrested and charged for the same offense. But as Mary J Blige has reminded us, that isn't how its going to work.



You gonna Chris Brown me?
Mary J Blige and other celebrities including 50 Cent, Timbaland, Wyclef Jean, actor Tyler Perry have all been accused of ordering steroids or human growth hormone from doctors and pharmacists. Blige is vehemently denying ever having used a performance-enhancing drug. Albany County District Attorney David Soares named all of the above celebrities who are named in the investigation. Mary J's representative, now quite accustomed to issuing denials, insists that Mary J. Blige has never taken steroids and is simply naturally very thickly muscled like a bodybuilder or football player.


Perhaps the steroids might explain the uncontrolled rage that resulted in her punching her husband dead in the face in front of a crowd of witnesses and then screaming hysterically at him issuing a challenge to hit her back like Chris Brown?

But, of course, she never took any steroids and also never hit anyone. She's an angel, just like Mary Winkler.


Mary Mary quite contrary


You know what? I think I'm going to write Tyra Banks a letter saying "thanks" for having the courage to do that episode on her show. I hear the show is ending soon. It seems almost a shame it's ending now that I've discovered that she really does sometimes have something important to say. Maybe I'll send her some flowers, too.


Thanks, that was really cool of you.