Today's News

I'll be bald soon
I just read where Prince William married himself a righteous hottie. Good for him. Did you notice that Prince William appears to be losing his hair already? This must be why he suddenly decided to go ahead and marry the girl, because he knew that if he waits much longer he'll be bald and alone. Yep, hot women like her would surely blow him off once he's slick as a cueball up top. But then maybe he will just shave the whole thing and get a tattoo, like Bruce Willis, and then the hot chicks will like him again because he's the first bad-ass prince in English history? I should probably write to him and suggest this. Maybe he'll reward me by giving me Australia or something? That would be cool.



Stole another one!
It appears Lisa Murkowski, the RINO candidate, has successfully used her ties to Big Labor/The Mafia to stuff and rig ballot boxes and vote counts to pull out the second big Alaskan election theft in the past 2 years. Something stinks in Alaska when such big, highly visible races can be so blatantly stolen and no one says anything. Then again, when they did the same thing with Al Franken in Minnesota and got away with it I guess they figured no one cares. If organized crime can put a professional clown in the US Senate and get away with it, surely no one is going to complain about a professional dirtbag.




Fuck you, America!
Speaking of dirtbags, stolen elections, organized crime and vote rigging, Harry Reid has surprised no one by hanging onto his powerful seat in the Democratic Party. Oh sure, the polls showed him losing badly, but that was polls of actual living, legally registered voters, and that's not who usually votes for Harry. Harry hasn't held an actual job since the 1960s, and yet SOMEHOW he has managed to become the richest person in the U.S. Senate by merely working for a Senator's salary for the past 40 years. He must be some kind of financial genius. Either that or he's wildly crooked. Which one do you think it is?



Take your clothes off RIGHT NOW!
Our Big Brother/Fat Mother Federal Government, ever vigilant for ways to harass and crush the rights of the law-abiding American citizens, is receiving its largest push-back yet over the use of x-ray machines that take naked pictures of every single person boarding a plane while exposing them all to radiation as a kind of bonus. Even the pilots are fighting back and standing up for their rights. It's about damn time. Sometimes it can be hard to tell which one the terrorists are, the idiots with bombs in their underpants or the government assholes demanding that you surrender all your basic human rights and strip down in public so they can humiliate you and make you accustomed to the idea that Big Government can do ANYTHING IT DAMN WELL PLEASES. Americans these days are the sort that loves to watch other people being demeaned and humiliated, especially if it's shown on TV so that we can eat potato chips and drink while making ourselves as comfortable as possible, but when it's happening to all of us, suddenly it isn't quite as funny anymore. See how that works? Just wait until they start Tasering people who refuse to be violated and try to protest for their rights. Suddenly people will be saying, "hey, they electrocuted my genitals! Isn't that torture? I thought that was illegal." Yeah, to quote a lousy old '80s movie, "the sleeper must awaken."



No more jihad, Abdul!
Apparently the Greeks, after watching their economy fall into shit a few years after Muslim terrorists struck a blow against the world economy by destroying the World Trade Center in Jew York City, aren't feeling in a very tolerant mood, especially where Muslims are concerned. A crowd of Greeks recently threw eggs at some Muslims in Athens. The Press, ever on the side of the terrorists, are up in arms about it. Oddly, though, they're never up in arms when Muslims do this and worse to Christians.



Fish oil - it doesn't cure cancer either

There seems to be more studies on things no one ever thought fish oil did than there are on most anything else, except breast cancer, of course. After studies showing that fish oil doesn't prevent breast cancer, doesn't prevent blindness, doesn't prevent athlete's foot, doesn't prevent menstrual cramps, doesn't make your baby ugly, doesn't cure jock itch, doesn't prevent baldness, doesn't prevent vaginal dryness, doesn't cure bad breath and doesn't make your penis larger, now they've discovered that it also doesn't prevent irregular heartbeats if you were prone to having them anyway. Wow, thank God they did this study or we might never have known! I wonder what else fish oil doesn't do? We need more studies.



Boobies - always a popular treat
In the Ukraine, where nipply weather is a standard feature, there is a small political party called Femen which is made up entirely of topless women. The idea sounds appealing at first, women using their bodies to gain power, but then it was discovered that Femen is a political party made up entirely of feminists. And this is where the story lost its appeal and the titties began to sag.



Vote for me - I'm wearing a bikini
Meanwhile, over in Poland, a female political candidate is seeking to draw votes by displaying roadside signs featuring large photographs of herself wearing nothing but a small bikini. The Polish don't seem to mind and her campaign is doing well.



No more Edward
Amazon dot com flirted with controversy recently when it featured a book for pedophiles. They finally caved in to critics, though, and pulled the entire "Twilight" series from their shelves.


And that's pretty much it for interesting things in the news today. I suppose tomorrow I should finish blogging about my trip. Or maybe not. I don't know. What interesting things are going on in your world today?


What's up?



What Disney has taught our children

The Month in Review

Grand Master Rahm is in da house!
So White House hitman Rahm Emanuel has decided to be mayor of Chicago. He has informed the current mayor of Chicago, who has quietly decided to retire rather than have his political legs broken Rod Blagojevich style, and all his money taken by the Injustice Department with the help of some illegally obtained FBI/Hillary Clinton-provided Filegate-assisted charges, which is what happens when you cross the Chicago-style Gangsta White House if someone in it decides they want to be mayor of your city. Some people might think that you can't just choose to become mayor of Chicago, but that's ridiculously naive. Dead people vote in Chicago in every election. People who don't even live in Chicago vote in Chicago elections. Illegal aliens vote in Chicago elections. Some people vote 100s of times in Chicago elections. It has been this way for a very long time. It's just like Memphis in that regard. This is why no one in Memphis has been surprised at the gangland style leadership of the Obama White House. If Rahm wants to be mayor of Chicago, the election is already a foregone and well paid-for conclusion. Rahm is going to be mayor of Chicago. End of story.



Not French
The French don't like working out in gyms, according to the frustrated French Government. They prefer smoking cigarettes, drinking wine, and having sex outside in the grass, every chance they get. Apparently this isn't good for them and the forces of fitness want it stopped. They want more Frenchmen going to gyms and sweating over iron weights and wobbly treadmills while listening to iPods and watching TV. The French people, ever stubborn and libertarian, simply refuse. Meanwhile, French citizens have complained about media photographs of French President Sarkozy outside jogging. They feel that this isn't very French of him and prefer to see him wearing a nice Italian suit and standing beside his lovely supermodel wife. It's just not very French to sweat, unless you're sweating because you're having good sex.



If Obama speaks in a forest and no one is there to hear ...
Obama is trying to dismiss all the new Republican candidates rising up from seemingly out of nowhere courtesy of the Tea Party movement, but the fact is, almost no one is listening to his empty Marxist rhetoric anymore.



I'm on a hot streak!
A neato kean new Las Vegas hotel has been built with a dramatic arc to its shape, making it look futuristic and fancy. Unfortunately, being out in the bright sun-soaked desert, that fancy arc acts like a magnifying glass lens, catching the sun's rays and focusing them downward onto the swimming pool area. It has fried vinyl chairs, plastic bags, and a few guests. They're calling it a 'death ray' and so far designers are unsure how to fix the problem.



Siesta!
Several drug traffickers were shot this week in Mexico. Same as last week. And the week before that. And the week before that.



Disney Princess
Lindsay Lohan was sent to jail ... and is out again already. And then back in again.



Flushing tax dollars away
The Democrat-controlled U.S. Congress, apparently feeling convinced that there was nothing important for them to do, hired liberal comedian Steven Colbert to come do his routine for them as a sort of fake testimony before Congress. Taxpayers aren't laughing.



Kuh-Ray-Zee
A woman in Washington state threw acid into her own face, then went to the hospital for treatment and claimed 'some black people did it.' People nationwide felt sorry for her and sent her money for medical treatment. When the hoax was exposed she was charged with fraud and sent by the judge to live in a mental health facility. Meanwhile, 'some black people' were not amused.



Harry Reid's charisma
Independent voters are overwhelmingly swinging the Republicans' way prior to the upcoming November election. The reasons most often given for this shift are: A) Barak Obama B) Nancy Pelosi and C) Harry Reid. The overwhelmingly left-leaning news and entertainment media have been trying desperately to help Democrats recover from their own unpopular policies, but so far all they've succeeded in doing is to damage their own already teetering reputations.



No more speeches!
Over 80 pilot whales beached themselves in New Zealand following the one millionth speech by U.S. President Barack Obama. Rescuers attempting to save the beached whales reported that the whales indicated the were attempting to get as far away from Obama and his annoying speeches as they possibly could. In their haste, they accidentally crashed into New Zealand. President Obama, responding to the whale criticisms, blamed former President Bush for the whale beachings, indicating that he felt convinced the whales were simply confused and really meant to say it was the policies of George Bush they were trying to escape from. The whales did not get a chance to rebut him, as they all died shortly after Rahm Emanuel arrived on the scene to help with the rescue efforts for the talkative whales.



Jimbo
Former US President Jimmy Carter is spending a second night in an Ohio hospital following what some worry is a delusional episode. At some point while returning to the US, former President Carter began talking non-stop about his legacy, insisting that he was the greatest President in history and that his "malaise speech" wasn't a huge disaster for both himself and the entire Democratic Party. The more he babbled about how great he was, the more people around him began to worry, as they all knew what a huge disaster he was as President and thus his statements could only come from the mind of a lunatic. Therefor, he was rushed to a hospital where he is currently being kept under close observation in case he tries to climb a bell tower with a rifle and begin shooting at random University of Texas students. Doctors aren't saying much except that they are concerned he may have suffered a stroke. "A stroke or heavy drug abuse are the main possibilities for such dramatic delusions," an Ohio doctor said, indicating her desire to remain anonymous out of fear of being targeted by the DoJ for saying anything potentially critical of the disastrous former President.



Who loves ya, baby?
Despite President Barack Obama's claims that neither he nor his Marxist policies are unpopular with the American People, Democratic candidates fighting desperately for their political lives in the upcoming elections are asking that he not come and 'help' them campaign. Instead, many, such as infamous Fanny Mae/Freddie Mac crook Barney Frank, have asked former President Bill Clinton to come and help save his ass from political defeat and voter retribution in place of current President Obama. Apparently Obama's popularity isn't just falling with conservatives. His own political party is beginning to run from him like a pack of wild dogs from a skunk.



Barack
President Obama and Vice President Joe "my sister beats me" Biden have adopted a new "Slam the Democratic Voters" strategy in an effort to 'motivate' their voter base into getting out there and cheering for socialism. The "you suck" strategy is reminiscent of the infamous Jimmy Carter "malaise" speech and is expected to work about as well. Other Democratic party leaders are following suit, beating up on their own supporters in a caring display of their empathetic (some say narcissistic) nature.



Grand Dragon Eric Holder
A steadily building scandal is biting the US Department of Justice in the ass just in time for Congressional elections. It seems that our "post racial" President and his hand-picked DoJ overlords, including and especially Attorney General Eric Holder, have let it be known throughout the DOJ that no cases of civil rights violations by blacks against whites are permitted to be prosecuted. In other words, if the black KKK machine guns white voters Zimbabwe-style, that is A-OK with President Obama and his DOJ. Nothing is to be done about it. And thus far, all cases of this very type of thing have been obstructed and squashed by Eric Holder and his DOJ to the point that DOJ attorneys are quitter their cushy government jobs and talking to the Press about DOJ representatives lying to Congress (Marion Jones went to jail for doing that) about these racism cases and not being prosecuted or fired.



Getting bigger every day
The only sector of the U.S. economy in which jobs are growing and pay is increasing is .... government. Unfortunately, because government doesn't actually produce anything except red tape and resistance to growth and prosperity, this means the United States is growing weaker and poorer overall. The only city in the United States in which citizens average income has increased is ... Washington, DC.



Chief Cathy says "Aack!"
A funeral of a murder victim in Washington, DC, was 'livened up' a bit by a drive-by shooting that killed a person in the funeral procession and wounded another. The shooters, being rocket scientists, then sped down the road only a short distance before slamming into another car and flipping their getaway vehicle. The afformative-action Washington D.C. police chief, Cathy Lanier, showing that she, too, is a genius, indicated that she doesn't yet know the cause of death of the person killed by the drive-by shooting. Then, just to increase the laughter, she stated that the shooting "may" have been gang-related.



Lowlifes and dirtbags
Establishment politicians in both major US political parties, fighting for their political lives, have predictably resorted to the dirtiest of dirty campaigns, digging up anything and everything on surging Tea Party candidates, even bringing out traffic tickets and bad grades in school as evidence that the 'outsiders' are unfit for public office. Most voters, though, have so far indicated that they are unswayed by all this ugliness. "It simply confirms what we already knew," a Memphis blogger stated, "that the establishment politicians of both parties need to be thrown out because they're all lowlifes and dirtbags."



Come on and take a free ride
Socialists in Europe are rioting in protest of the possibility that their governments will roll back the disastrous economy-destroying entitlements of socialism in an attempt to reduce their nation's crushing debt and save their economies from collapse. The socialists blame "reckless bankers" for the realities of economic collapse, echoing the words of Lenin and Castro from long ago. Ironically, even as they protest the entitlement rollbacks, they simultaneously complain about high taxes and high unemployment, both the unavoidable products of socialist entitlement spinning out of control. Police responded to protests with tear gas and riot control tactics. Meanwhile, in an almost ironic twist, the once-free and prosperous United States is diving headlong into government and entitlement expansion of a level never seen before in the history of America, apparently in complete denial of the events occurring at this very moment all across the European Union.


And now for a few words from Professor Thomas Sowell:

Assorted Randomness

Bewitched and then some
This past weekend I saw reruns of the old '60s show "Bewitched" and I thought I must be losing my mind. I had never seen any those episodes before in my life! Sam had 2 kids and Tabatha was in the first grade. She had a little brother who could walk and mumble lines of his own. I have no memory of having ever seen a second kid on that show. But the main thing I realized as I watched the old reruns, is that Samantha was HAWT. Also, she apparently didn't always wear underwear under the skin tight, sprayed on stretchy little mini-dresses that were apparently in style during the final season of the show. All I remember were the early episodes where she walked around in crummy sleaveless dresses with ugly orange and yellow stripes and a hemline down around her knees. Even then, she was still very pretty. But I have no recollection of her in tiny miniskirts with no bra and a big, white smile to compliment her perfect golden hair. I do declare, I think I am going online and see if I can buy the entire DVD set from that show. Clearly I need to rewatch the entire thing to see what I missed due to having been so young when the show ran as a rerun on TBS and I saw it for the very first time. Now I know why my dad's generation liked Samantha Stevens so much. She was smokin'.



Politically incorrect in Germany
In the news over the weekend it was reported that Germany's rich and powerful elitists are up in arms and threatening to faint over some fairly tame comments by banker Thilo Sarrazin. Mr. Sarrazin made a few matter-of-fact comments about the way Germany's leaders have failed to deal with immigrants who refuse to assimilate into German culture and who instead cowtow to the most extremist and anti-German among them, especially among the Muslim population. He also made comments about poor academic performace by lower class Palestinians in school. Then he dared to point out that middle class, well-educated German women are partly responsible for the immigrant takeover of Germany by failing to produce any German children, a true statement which predictably caused Germany's elitist leadership to wet itself and declare "I do declare, I feel a spell of the vapors comin' on." Meanwhile, the German people themselves are somewhat frustrated with the elites stupendously idiotic response, having long been attempting to deliver these very same messages to the perpetually out-of-touch professional politicians who who driven Germany into a socialist malaise from which it has struggled to survive. The scandal is particularly enlightening in that it reveals how the enormous chasm between the citizens and the professional, never-held-a-real-job, upper-class politically correct eunuchs who rule is not at all a German problem, but a universal problem afflicting the entire Western hemisphere and all its nations, from Germany to the United States to the United Kingdom to Australia and beyond. The rise of the professional politician has perfectly and not coincidentally coincided with the fall of logic, reason, truth and common sense among the Western nations and their so-called 'leaders.'



Engrish onry, prease
Over in Singapore, national leaders are pressuring their residents to learn to speak better English. Ironically, in all native English-speaking countries, such as America and the UK, it is considered politically incorrect to ever insist that anyone learn to speak proper English. In fact, simply pointing out that there is such a thing as proper English versus ebonics and other street-slang, is considered a "social injustice" and may result in lawsuits and/or termination of employment.



Suck on these
Australian superstar swimming champion, Stephanie Rice, has been drop-kicked by the delicate girlie-men at Jaguar. Australia's rugby team beat South Africa in a tough match and Stephanie responded to South African fans who had been harassing her on Twitter by tweeting "suck on that faggots!" It was an insignificant statement of no threat to anyone. But to the zealously politically correct and dogmatically hypersensitive human resources lawyers at Jaguar it was enough to cause a case of the vapors. They fired her immediately, despite her immediate retraction and apology, which she posted on her blog moments later. Thus, the ugly, bloated, unreliable land-yachts of Jaguar will no longer be represented by the sleek, sexy body of a racing champion and will instead, once again, be represented by the limp-wristed, ineffectual, pretentious assholes who buy them. Pip pip and queerio, what what.



Wave goodbye to America's future
President Barry "Jimmy Carter Jr" Obama has promised to pass a new impossible-to-meet mandate for America's automotive industry in yet another Marxist attempt to destroy it by requiring that all cars produced in America get the unheard of gas mileage rate of 60 mpg. Researchers state that the cost of such a fuel rate in human lives lost will make all previous death tolls resulting from government mileage mandates pale by comparison. But President Obama says he is willing to make that sacrifice in American lives for the good of the environment and to help reduce the surplus population of white people. Following his speech, President Obama climbed into his armored SUV which gets 4 mpg and rode to the airport, where he then climbed into his private jet and flew to Spain for yet another round of golf.


ECONOMY FAIL


And now for something educational ...

Toot!

It's Wednesday and hot already. It doesn't normally get as hot and humid as this until we get well into Summer. Consquently, people are being really pissy, especially in traffic. I've been playing with the video camera on my cell phone and considering videoing the cunts in traffic for future posts instead of just occasionally photographing them. But so far I've discovered that the sound quality of my video is pure crap, so that's not going well.


Who the fuck am I?
Apparently Kate Gosselin is making a lot of noise in the American media these days. Half the people in our media love her and half hate her. The more we see of her, the more people seem to hate her. But her most loyal fans (Barbara Walters) keep hanging on, insisting that she is headline news and should receive the most favorable coverage possible. For me, all I can say is, who the hell is Kate Gosselin and how did she get to be news in the first place? Wasn't she just some woman who had a billion kids with some douchebag who later had a mid-life crisis and took off to see how much sex he could get out of a series of 20-something hotties or something like that? And while he was doing that, she went on Dancing With the Starz, even though she's not actually a star, and proved herself to be both lazy and bitchy at the same time. So I'm thinking this is probably a good lesson for our Media to not waste our time on nobodies whose only notable achievement in life is having a shitload of kids. But who am I to judge? I'm just sayin'


It's the White Man's fault
American liberals are all upset again, as usual, but this time it's because census figures are showing a slight slowing in the number of interracial marriages. They say that this indicates some sort of sinister rise in white people's racism, of course. And then they casually mention the fact that because a lot of the illegal aliens don't bother to ever learn English, this just might have a little something to do with it, too, you know, because we can't fucking talk to each other. But they leap over that to jump straight into the tired old bullshit about "white backlash" and blah blah blah. One thing they did not mention was the fact that marriage overall has been under attack from the Hard Left for a very long time and has declined as a result. Also, what with the economy being in the shitter, this isn't exactly a great time for dating and asking a girl to marry you when you don't even have a damn job. Women love money and thus men without jobs are unlikely to find themselves a date, let alone a woman willing to get married to a jobless man. 80 percent of those thrown out of work by our lovely socialist utopian market plunge are males. This is no accident, as Obama has bragged, and has the side-effect of dousing American marriage with a bucket of ice water. But somehow the Leftists in our media see this as the White Man's fault.


Disney was so good to me
Lindsay Lohan is in the news again. This time its for her fabulous new ankle bracelet. It monitors her blood alcohol level and begins flashing a big red "Party On, Dude" sign in front of her house if any alcohol should be detected in her system. Our esteemed Media considers this to be big news and has enjoyed talking about it endlessly. One thing this ankle bracelet does not do, though, is monitor her for pot, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, or any number of other recreational substances that she might stumble into while sitting around her house with nothing much to do. I'm not sure how our greater thinkers in the News Media have missed this little detail, but somehow they have. So here I am to tell you all about it. You're fucking welcome!


New York Celebrates the Terrorist Attacks of 9/11
Muslims in New York City have asked the Marxists who own the city for permission to build a monument on Ground Zero, where the World Trade Towers were destroyed by Muslim terrorists in 2001. They want to call this monument a "mosque" and fill it with more Muslims who will bow down and shout "Praise Allah for helping us to kill 3,000 American infidels on this very spot" every day, 4 times per day, forever. Well, forever or until some other terrorists crash planes into their mosque and kill a bunch of them, whichever comes first. The New York City Council, made up entirely of Lindsay Lohan and her family, after a brief recess in which large quantities of meth were partaken of, agreed to permit this, calling it "an act of global diversity and tolerance." The surviving family members of the victims of the terrorist attacks have called it something else. They call it "evil" and vow to put a stop to it "by any means necessary." Meanwhile, Muslim project leader Dixie Khan stated "we are simply taking advantage of the suddenly available commercial real estate and intellectual as well as moral bankruptcy of the New York Leftists to obtain for ourselves a good investment. And also, we are going to sucker these idiots into allowing us to build a monument to their deaths on the very spot where we attacked them. It's a little like allowing the Japanese to build a big monument to The Emperor in Pearl Harbor."


Thar's gold in them thar hills!
So, aside from all of this, all the New York billionaires have bought gold and sold their other investments. But, they insist, it is already too late for you to buy gold because it is too expensive now. The oil is still leaking into the Gulf while our federal government, under Obama, does nothing except make speeches and go on vacations to Chicago. The unemployement rate keeps getting worse, thanks to the efforts of our political leaders in Washington who love a good crisis and don't believe in letting it go to waste. The housing market is still super shitty and Congressman Barney Frank and the Congressional Black Caucus are doing everything in their power to make it far, far worse. And the 2011 Mustang GT makes 411 horsepower while still getting 26 mpg, making it a really cool car to own if one should be in the market for a new car or just really sick of life and looking for a fun distraction.


2011 Mustang GT

News etc

Obama's Latest Supreme Court Nomination

Harvard Grrl
Well, surprise surprise, our little fatherless President has appointed a new nominee to our Supreme Court, a Ms - and believe me it's Ms - a Ms Elena Kagan. She's an old Harvard buddy of Obama financial wizard Lawrence Summers. Harvard, you may recall, is currently a haven of lesbians as well as feminist intolerance and misandry, so it should come as no surprise, particularly in light of Obama's hatred of his own sex, that Ms Kagan is apparently herself a lesbian. This is inherently obvious in simply seeing her as she speaks before Congress, but apparently pointing out the obvious is supposed to be taboo and anyone who dares to do so is immediately attacked. Hey, I'm not saying I dislike her. I know little about her. In fact, no one knows much about her because she has no experience to speak of. I'm just saying "hey look, Obama has appointed yet another lesbian feminist." Oh, and here's one other thing I'm saying - don't be surprised if one of the two worthless Republican Senators from Tennessee votes in favor of her no matter what comes out of her confirmation hearings or even if she turns out to be an America-hating, brother-murdering terrorist with a bomb in her granny-panties. There is just something terribly wrong with the Republican representatives in Tennessee and we apologize profusely for them one and all.


BP Gulf Oil Spill

Oops
Oh hey, as long as we're talking "secret knowledge" and conspiracy theories and all that jive, I have a big one for you. President "Little Boy" Obama shocked America when he signed an agreement allowing offshore drilling in the Gulf after many long years of Leftist opposition to it by his own party. It seemed almost too good to be true. And then, almost as if by divine providence, a massive explosion magically occurred on an oil rig down around Louisiana and somehow as our Federal Government stood by impotently and watched, a whole week's worth of gushing oil was allowed to pour out before anyone said "hey, maybe we should cap that sucker." Now there's all sorts of meaningless finger-pointing going on, but the one person no one has dared to point the finger at is our own Commander-In-Chief, the man who commands our U.S. Navy and even it's special forces SEAL teams that are frequently training down in the Gulf for missions that involve sabotage attacks, such as blowing up enemy oil wells and refineries. Hey, I'm not saying President Obama gave the order for our own sworn-to-secrecy special forces to make some political waves for him and give him an excuse to renege on his controversial and unexpected promise. Then again, I'm not saying he didn't. I'm just saying he could if he wanted and no one would ever know because the SEALS can't talk without being thrown into a military prison for the rest of their lives.


Pope Blames Church's Own Sins for Scandal

Pope Benedict "Benny" XVI
The Pope, in a rare display of genuine leadership in this world of cover-your-ass politics, has finally come out and said that the Catholic Church itself is responsible for all of these young boys and girls being molested and abused by pedophilic and perverted priests and nuns. "The greatest persecution of the church doesn't come from enemies on the outside but is born from the sins within the church," Pope Benny said. "The church needs to profoundly relearn penitence, accept purification, learn forgiveness but also justice." Many Tea Party activists are said to have emailed The Pope's statements to local Republican Party leaders along with notes saying "Hey, here's a great idea for some of you bastards to try!"


Drifting Satellite Threatens US Cable TV

Beep! Beep! Crash!
A communications satellite, allegedly knocked out of its orbit by global warming according to White House sources, is threatening to knock out cable television signals for the entire United States, prompting President Obama to declare a national state of emergency. "We cannot tolerate this threat to the one lifeline my people have to the CW Network," President Obama said in a televised speech that no one saw. "Therefore, I am ordering NASA to drop everything and get up there to fix it right away." NASA has indicated that it would take weeks or even months to get a racially and "gender"-correct astronaut up there to deal with the crisis. The US Air Force, meanwhile, has offered to shoot the satellite down, a proposal the White House is said to be considering.


Democrats Steal Mojave Desert Cross After Losing Lawsuit

That Old Stolen Cross
Intolerant, Left-Wing Hate Criminals have stolen the Mojave Desert Cross erected to honor the fighting men killed in wars following the Supreme Court's ruling against the antiChrist ACLU of California who sought to destroy it. The U.S. Justice Department was looking into the case, but has indicated that as long as Barack Obama is President they will make no effort to do anything to solve the crime.


Conservative Cameron Becomes British PM

Camo
Conservative David Cameron became Britain's new prime minister on Tuesday after he accepted the invitation from Queen Elizabeth to form a new government following the resignation of Gordon Brown. Cameron, at 43, is the youngest Prime Minister in nearly 200 years. Thus ends 13 years of Labour Party rule, even as their American counterparts, the Democratic Party, are enjoying the peak of their power in the United States by imitating virtually every single move the Labour Party made during its reign. "Obama likes to think of himself as the black Tony Blair," an unnamed White House source said. "Sometimes he even makes us call him 'Tony'."


California Woman Guilty of Raping, Killing Little Girl

Rapist and Murderer
Melissa Huckaby, 29, has plead guilty to the kidnapping, drugging, rape and murder of 8-year-old Sandra Cantu in Tracy, California. Charges against her for drugging a 7-year-old girl as well as a 37-year-old man were dropped as part of her plea agreement. All other charges — including two involving rape and lewd or lascivious conduct with a child under 14 — were also dropped under the agreement. Huckaby now faces 25 years to life in prison without the possibility of parole when she is sentenced next month. Unlike in cases in which women sexually assault and/or murder men and subsequently receive virtually no punishment, cases in which women harm children often result in their receiving the sentence that they actually deserve. Thus it is expected that Melissa Huckaby will receive the longest possible sentence and be sent to a women's prison where the other women will abuse her for the rest of her life by refusing to allow her into any of their cliques and talking nasty shit about her behind her back.


U.S. Still Searching for Mysterious Market Plunge Cause

Shapiro don't know
The top U.S. securities regulator said they have "no clue" what caused Thursday's mysterious market plunge but promised that additional safeguards were coming. "We think either someone flushed a commodities toilet while currency was in the shower or else someone with access to an army of military-style hackers did this as part of a test, someone like, oh I don't know, China perhaps," the unnamed regulator said offhandedly. "China or George Soros," he added, referring to the infamous currency trader who made billions of dollars in a single day by allegedly rigging the market against the British pound in the early 1990s and raking in the cash rewards. Mr. Soros is rumored to have used his subsequent wealth to take control over the United Nations and later the Democratic Party, even hand-picking then-senator Barack Obama for the job of President.

U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission Chairman Mary Schapiro said it would take time to pinpoint the cause but reiterated that the Government is notoriously inept and likely will "never figure this shit out." She promised that it would probably not happen again and crossed her fingers with her right hand while tapping the surface of the podium with her left and saying, "knock on wood."


Arizona Governor Signs Bill Ending Racist Indoctrination Classes

Jan "the man" Brewer
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, in a rare display of guts and leadership, on Tuesday signed a bill eliminating racially segregated classes in Arizona public schools which teach racial supremacy and hatred of the white race. Only hours before, the infamous UN Human Rights Commission, made up of representatives from the world's terrorist nations, issued a report condemning any attempt to end the dogmatic and fanatical classes. Exactly why a bunch of UN terrorists issued a report about racist classes in Arizona is as yet unknown, as it is so clearly none of their business. Governor Brewer's signature on the bill Tuesday comes less than a month after she signed the nation's toughest crackdown on illegal immigration, causing a huge uproar among imported criminals, and eliciting cheers and great admiration from the law-abiding citizens. "It's been a very long time since we've seen any leaders with balls," said Anthony Mann, a registered Republican "and I think it's a sad statement on American manhood that it took a woman to do it, but whatever, if she ever runs for President she's got my vote already. It's about damn time that we had some leaders in this country instead of a bunch of damn politicians." Protests by celebrities in Los Angeles have already begun. Lindsay Lohan is said to have marched naked in the streets insisting that she won't wear clothes again until Arizona is invaded and "bombed out of existence." The New York Times, a formerly relevant newspaper, has issued a statement comparing Governor Brewer to former Alabama Governor George Wallace. Perez Hilton, a blogger only slightly more relevant than the New York Times, has declared that Governor Brewer "is terribly ugly and has bad taste in pantsuits."



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