Dear Memphis

DEAR MEMPHIS: I met an intelligent and absolutely drop-dead gorgeous young woman a few months ago. I thought everything was fine between us until a few weeks ago, so I wanted to get your take on it. A few months ago, the woman in question became the new bartender at one of my favorite nightclubs outside the local area. I spent a lot of hard-earned money for gas and tolls just so I could have drinks with her and talk when the club wasn't busy. About a month ago, she told me she was falling in love with me and wanted to start seeing me outside of the club. For a couple of weeks we were calling and texting each other like crazy until we finally decided to meet up at the beachfront across from the club for our first "official" date. When she didn't show up, I tried calling her, but got a strange recording. I then went across the street to the club to see if she got called in to work, and the manager said she had been fired a week ago and he thought she'd moved out of state. A couple of weeks passed and I was doing my best to heal from this ordeal, when, out of the blue, I get a call from her from an unknown number telling me that she was back in town and wanted to meet me for a movie and dinner that night. I showed up, but yet again, she did not. How many times should I let this happen before I give up on her? --- MYSTIFIED

DEAR MYSTY: Dude, she is totally fucking with you. How stupid can you be?


DEAR MEMPHIS: I am a 23-year-old Catholic male. The last serious relationship I was in ended when I was 17. Even though we dated for three years, we never went "all the way." Now I am intimidated by women who have more sexual history than I do. I have always believed that one sexual partner for one's entire life is the ideal. Recently, a 20-year-old woman whom I care for deeply told me in explicit detail about a sexual experience she had with a 45-year-old man she met on the Internet. She did not mean to have sex with him, she told me, and the circumstances as she explained them sounded like borderline rape. She only met him that one time and does not want me to ask her about the experience anymore because she wants to forget what happened. I am having trouble dealing with this because part of me wants to find that man and have him thrown in jail, and the other part of me wants to leave this woman. I am afraid that if I stay involved with her, the knowledge of that experience will eat away at me. It is hard for me to understand why she put herself in such a position to begin with. I think the only way I can stay with her is if I fully understand the circumstances of what happened. But I know this is very difficult for her, and if she was raped, I do not want to cause her more psychological harm by endlessly interrogating her. I have felt sick since she told me this, and I do not think I can stay with her if I can't come to terms with it. --- HEARTSICK

HEARTSICK: you being a Catholic schoolgirl virgin Mary may not understand this, but here's the deal, sometimes a girl just wants to fuck. There's no such thing as "borderline rape". It's either rape or it isn't. If it was rape she'd say "I was raped." But that's not what she said right? She wanted to fuck him, so she did. But now she sees what a puss you are so she doesn't want to try to explain this to you, which is why she says she doesn't want to talk to YOU about it anymore. If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about whether or not you can stay with her and come to terms and all that shit. She's going to dump your ass just as soon as she finds out that you're a virgin and have no skills.


DEAR MEMPHIS: As a 66-year-old man, I can't remember how long it's been, if ever, that I cared what other people thought of me. My daughter-in-law said I was the most arrogant person she ever met. I replied, "I prefer to call it self-assured." I think you have to like yourself before you are able to love others. What say you? --- JOHN DOE

DEAR JOHN: Listen, there is a difference between liking yourself and being an arrogant, know-it-all, obnoxious asshole. Your daughter-in-law apparently likes herself well enough to stand up to you and tell you what everyone else already thinks. I think it's not insignificant that you added "if ever" when explaining how you don't care what other people think, because it invalidates everything else you said in that sentence about being 66 years old. Say, you don't happen to run a forum on the internet all about the show Big Brother Australia and frequently leave comments over on Beejay's blog, do you? Just curious.


DEAR MEMPHIS: I'm a 20-something female. At my gym I made the mistake of politely saying hello to a stranger, a 50-ish male, because he said hi to me. In so doing, I unwittingly opened the floodgates to this man's personal history (sexual exploits included), medical problems, unsolicited health advice, all of which he broadcasts in a detailed (and gross) monologue while I huff away on the bike, then the treadmill. My part in the conversation includes head nods and "uh-huhs." This guy must be thicker than a neutron cloud in a sauna because he just doesn't get it. How do I get him to leave me alone without being rude? --- ABOUT TO PULL A VAN GOGH

DEAR VAN GOGH: have you tried hitting him in the nuts with a medicine ball? I have a friend who did this once and it worked better than she'd hoped. Of course, it was an accident and he was her personal trainer, but still, no sense wasting a thoroughly tested method if we know it works. Go get that medicine ball!



OK, so if you have any important questions you need answered, relationship questions or personal problems that you are too embarrassed to ask the local bartender or Hooters waitress or your friends at the nail salon about, or even if your car is making a noise or you have a funny mole, send your questions to me, either by placing them in the comments following this post, or by sending them to me in an email at nudememphis at yahoo dot com, okaaaaay? I'll answer a few of them in about a week if I get any. You should probably only ask joke questions, though, as I'm likely only going to give joke answers. Thanks ya'll.



Hey Madeline, I told you I'd do it. Thanks for the idea.