Memphis News - Fiddling While America Burns

Feminist Judge Craps on Arizona and Constitution
Clinton-appointed District Court Judge Susan Bolton (no relation to Michael Bolton, that fabulous '80s icon that made women swoon) declared that she doesn't like Arizona's laws which echo federal laws governing illegal immigration and is therefore disallowing the state of Arizona from enforcing any laws at all, leading to an immediate spike in speeding, statutory rapes (woo hoo!), and the stealing of cable TV, in addition to kidnapping, drive-by machine-gun shootings, and mass murders. The way her words echoed the Obama White House was too perfectly in-sync to be believed, almost as if she were a hand-puppet with Rahm Emanuel moving his fingers to make her mouth open and close. But surely that can't be, right? Surely pretty female judges and politicians of The Far Left persuasion don't use laws and words as mere tools for political gain rather than as a means to properly lead the nation and protect the rights of The People, right? That would just be crazy and lead to chaos and destruction, and no one wants that. Right? Sure, and Elena Kagan is going to be a strict Constitutionalist judge, just like Sotomayer. You know it, baby.



Obama's Drilling Moratorium Kills 175,000 Jobs Per Year
President Barry "hope and change" Obamination's environmental payoff to the religious Earth-Firsters in the form of banning offshore drilling is having the interesting side-effect of killing every single phony job he has claimed to have 'saved' or 'created' through bogus census rehirings, and then some. It has also caused the United States to lose precious oil rig platforms as the companies owning them cannot afford to have them sitting around idle and have thus made them available to foreign nations effective immediately. They are even now sailing out of our waters and heading to friendlier waters where the value of oil and natural resources is understood and appreciated. Prepare to pay big bucks at the gas pump. Hope and change, baby! Hope and change - that's all you're gonna have left when he finishes with this country.



Journolist a Veritable Who's Who of Media Assassins
A secret internet forum was recently exposed in which a who's who of American liberal media personalities and journalists from supposedly competing media sources, including MSNBC, Time, Newsweek, The Economist, Washington Post and the New York Times, regularly came together and plotted strategies for defeating political candidates, including John McCain and Sarah Palin, whom they openly conspired to defame and destroy, and spinning every important news story they covered in order to make the Leftist viewpoint appear to be the only logical and correct view (global warming.) Not surprisingly, the same media sources whose reporters were involved in the conspiracies to defraud and deceive the American People have also refused to cover the story of their own traitorous activities. Anyone who is surprised by any of this has simply not been paying attention.



Congressman Rangel, Career Criminal, Given Slap on Wrist, Pat on Back
Professional ethics violator Charlie "Movin' on up" Rangel has been charged with 13 ethics and federal regulation crimes, all of which he appears to be dead-to-rights guilty of. But because he is A) black B) from New York and C) a Democrat, he has received from the Democrat-controlled Congress a slap on the wrist, a pat on the back, and slap on the ass along with a "go get'em, Tiger" as his 'punishment' for a litany of crimes which would land any average American citizen, or Republican, in prison for a good 20 years had any of us so blatantly violated these same laws. Ah, but in a world where race and sex are all that matters, and "justice" is merely a word which Left-wing haters attach to other words in order to justify blatant bigotry and discrimination, like "economic justice", "social justice" or "environmental justice," whatever the fuck that means, justice is merely an empty word, a tool for manipulating The People while robbing them blind and fucking them up the ass, something the Hard Left does better than anyone in history.


Maxine "I ain't did nuthin'" Waters
Meanwhile, California Congresswoman Maxine Waters, an estrogen-twin of Charlie Rangel, has also just been charged with a litany of similar ethics violations, all of which I can guarantee will get her the very same slap on the wrist, pat on the back, but probably no pat on ass unless Hillary Clinton is around.


Rumor has it that both the ethics charges filed and rapidly dealt with against Charlie Rangel, and now Maxine Waters, are a cynical Democrat ploy, much like the oddly-timed assassination of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, to clean house BEFORE an important election in order to make sure the issue is over and done in time for voters to forget, rather than waiting until November and giving Republicans a chance to use these crooks as evidence that this "most ethical Congress in history" is, in fact, the most criminal in history. No one knows where this rumor came from, but it might have been me.


Hope and change

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DEAR MEMPHIS

DEAR MEMPHIS: I'm a gay 44-year-old man with self-esteem problems. I have never seen myself as worthy of affection, and I don't consider myself attractive. I have never been in a relationship, and no one outside of my family has ever said "I love you" to me.

I have recently tried to come out of my shell. As a result, the network of people I associate with has tripled -- and I think that has compounded my problem. Aside from parties where everyone is invited, I never hear from any of these people. I have only a couple of good friends, people I can talk to.

I have leaned on my friends to try to help me with my problem. But I'm afraid if I keep unloading on them it'll wear them down, and I don't want to burden them.

I wish I didn't feel so worthless. I know part of my problem is the fact that I am unemployed and worried about money. But this is who I have been my whole life. How do I break the cycle and start feeling good about myself? I'm tired of being lonely all the time. -- LONELY IN CHICAGO

DEAR LOS LONELY BOY: First of all, your self-esteem problems, well, what the hell do you expect me to do about that, tell you you're pretty and witty and gay? Listen, go hire a personal trainer and maybe see a plastic surgeon about some tucking and snipping and sucking. Before you know it, you'll look just like Cher and feel like a million bucks. As for you being 44 and never having been in a relationship, what the hell, dude? You're a gay man in Chicago, for Christ's sake. Or maybe I should say, for Liberace's sake? Our current President is (rumored to be) a gay man from Chicago and if that isn't proof that Chicago has a gigantic population of gay men and very unattractive lesbian women (judging from Obama's lesbian Czar army) I don't know what is. If you're a gay man in Chicago and have never been in a relationship then it is because you aren't even trying. Don't cry to me if you won't even get your ass out there and make an effort. In fact, don't cry to anyone. Stop fucking crying and go learn how to dance to YMCA and Lady GaGa, for fuck's sake, so you can at least be in the running for someone with more balls than you to make a move and give you a shot at a relationship. Get off momma's couch and get yourself to one of the zillion gay nightclubs in downtown Chicago. Are you worried that your lack of self-confidence will sabotage you? Fine, drink several shots of straight Vodka as soon as you walk in the door and I promise you, you will be feeling fine and happy for a good while. Now get out there and find yourself someone to ride your ass like a mechanical bucking bronco! You can do it!


DEAR MEMPHIS: My office was relocated recently, a bit farther away from home than the old one. My new commute involves riding public transportation and then a shared shuttle van.

One of my co-workers, "Phil," rides the same shuttle. He always waits for me to get off the shuttle so he can walk with me to the office. He seems nice enough and well-meaning, but my mornings are my time to prepare myself for the day. He also occasionally touches my arm, which makes me uncomfortable. He also talks about personal things I would rather not hear about.

I would prefer to walk without him, but there is no other way to get to the office. I have debated being 10 minutes late to work each day, but then I would need to stay 10 minutes later and it would be much harder for me to catch the later shuttle.

What do I do? Tell Phil I don't want to walk with him? Walk faster? Go in later? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR WHINY-ASS: Bitch, bitch, bitch! Good God, woman, this is such a total non-issue and yet you make it out to be the end of the mother-lovin' world. Are you telling me you could avoid this whole situation by simply waiting 10 damn minutes, but you aren't willing to? Well then, clearly you enjoy the attention as much as you enjoy bitching to everyone about it. It sounds to me like you don't get much attention and this is all you've got going on, so you're looking for any excuse to broadcast it to the whole world. You clearly enjoy bragging about it, but you don't want to admit you're bragging, so you act all frigid and offended and shit, like the only chance you have at a man is such a horrible burden. Don't worry, honey, with your attitude I have no doubt you will solve your own problem by driving Phil away with your intolerable personality. Here's a final helpful suggestion from me to you: buy a fucking car and drive yourself to work like a normal fucking American and then you can avoid all of this drama and have plenty of 'me' time as well. See, that's what we call win-win, you whiny-assed twat.





* Official Disclaimer - Memphis News is parody, opinion, a slightly more cynical and vulgar report of the latest headlines and top stories with an op/ed, drunken twist. Don't get your panties all in a wad if you don't like my point-of-view. This is a blog, not to be taken any more seriously than CNN or Jane Velez Mitchell on HLN when she screams "there's a war on women" which is also total hysterical bullshit. In short, this is a joke based on actual events currently in the news.

Dear Memphis - Readers Requests

DEAR NUDE: I am an avid yarder because I am not an American. Recently, for reasons too complicated to explain here, I have been neglectful of my yard. My neighbour, an American, saw fit to cut off three foot of my fifteen foot tomato plants that were over-hanging his fence and chuck them back over my side, because legally he's in the right. What is my best recourse of action? Failing that, do you have any good recipes for Salsa with green tomatoes? Cheers - THE SLUG PELLET

DEAR SLUG P: while you are quite right that your neighbor is legally within his rights in chopping your tomato plants to bits, that doesn't necessarily make him less of a donkey's scrotum for doing it. I suppose your best course of action would depend upon why he lopped off your tomato plants. Could he be allergic to them? Were they laying across the hood of his Jaguar, parked just on the other side? Had they attracted swarms of disgusting insects? Assuming none of these are the case, I must conclude that he was simply being a dick. As such, you are entitled to several courses of action:

Decorate his entire front lawn with long strands of toilet paper tossed delicately throughout all of his trees and shrubs in a fashion Americans call "rolling" or "TPing". Make sure to wrap up any vehicles left outside in the drive as well. Feel free to leave a burning paper sack filled with poo on the front porch and ring the bell just after you have finished with the decorations. This is, in fact, a long cherished American tradition and one which will likely win you great admiration from all the rest of the neighbors who have no doubt observed similarly obnoxious behaviors from this individual. People who so casually piss off their neighbors rarely do this sort of thing only once. I'm guessing he isn't Mr. Popular.

Alternatively, you might plant bamboo and kudzu where you once had flourishing tomato plants and make sure to let him know. This is more of a nuclear bomb/mutual destruction sort of approach, but it has quite an impact, especially long term, as nothing and no one can kill that shit once it has established itself and will leave him wishing for the days when his biggest worry was a sagging tomato plant.

You might also order a truckload of fresh horse manure to fertilize your garden and make sure to dump every bit of it right along the property line that you share with him. Water it good to maximize the odoriferous qualities of it for his benefit. Then go on a long vacation to Australia, taking me along with you.

Finally, there is the somewhat radical "Talking Heads" approach. That is to say, 'burning down the house'. It's easy and makes your point quite clearly - leave my shit alone or I'll burn down your fucking house.

If it turns out that he has some sort of legitimate reason for lopping your tomatoes, then buy yourself one of those wire-constructed, prison-cell-torture-looking contraptions that are tailor-made to prevent tomato plants from sagging over into the neighbors' yard and make good use of it. But always remember that your neighbor had no qualms about chopping your plants and keep that in the back of your mind. Good reason or not, he could have talked to you first.


DEAR MEMPHIS: I have gone my whole life thinking I hated beer but have recently discovered I was wrong (big time). Having read an interesting blog about dark beer I started doing some research and took to it like crack. My question is this.... I'm replacing my Starbucks with beer, one for one, (see I know you can't have it all) and though Starbucks has more calories I think I'm starting to gain weight. What's up with that? Should I go in for a tummy tuck, drink more so I don't notice it or what? - SLOSHING

DEAR SLOSHING: the key to drinking heavily and never gaining weight is to live in a location that has ready access to lots of quality alcohol, exercise paths, gyms, hot bodies and high quality beaches. It seems to me that if you're going to drink like an alcoholic but don't want to look like one then you need to live in the Capital of Alcoholism and Hotness - Australia, where Starbucks outlets are being closed in record numbers and replaced with top notch pubs, clubs and gyms. Australians have 2.1 personal trainers for every 5 Australian citizens, and they use them religiously. They also drink more alcohol than the entire Western world combined, which is especially amazing when you consider that there are only 20 million of these uber-fit guzzlers. With all of their obsessive exercising, motivated by the pressures of every city having huge, fabulous beaches filled with blazing hot bodies, they never look anything less than superb no matter how much they get their drink on. For all of their excessive drinking, they balance it out with equal amounts of excessive exercising, totally negating all the harmful effects of alcohol. So drink up, if that's what makes you happy, but pack your bags and head to Australia to do it properly and healthily. As it happens, several of us right here in this column are talking about going over to Australia together fairly soon. Grab your bottles and come with us. Perhaps we can all split a hotel room, share your beer, and go jogging together on the beach?


DEAR MEMPHIS: I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided was going to park my BMW R1150 GS motor cycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

DEAR BMW: This is a touchy situation. First, I'd ask if you really care if she's doing the hokey pokey with someone else, or if you're perhaps a bit relieved? It all depends on your perspective. I know a guy who doesn't like having sex with his wife because he says her hu ha tastes funny. I told him to slip a slab of pork under the mattress and the next time she's pushing his head down there, to pull it out and rub it all over her business area. Then when he's going down on his honey, it'll taste just like a fancy meal.

On the other hand, a woman's vagina is a lot like a German motorcycle. If you tune it right and stab that throttle the right way it'll really scream. But it is also a precision instrument. Do you have a good mechanic that you trust? You don't want just anybody poking around in there. If not, better do the job yourself, just to be sure it's done right.

Dear Memphis

DEAR MEMPHIS: I met an intelligent and absolutely drop-dead gorgeous young woman a few months ago. I thought everything was fine between us until a few weeks ago, so I wanted to get your take on it. A few months ago, the woman in question became the new bartender at one of my favorite nightclubs outside the local area. I spent a lot of hard-earned money for gas and tolls just so I could have drinks with her and talk when the club wasn't busy. About a month ago, she told me she was falling in love with me and wanted to start seeing me outside of the club. For a couple of weeks we were calling and texting each other like crazy until we finally decided to meet up at the beachfront across from the club for our first "official" date. When she didn't show up, I tried calling her, but got a strange recording. I then went across the street to the club to see if she got called in to work, and the manager said she had been fired a week ago and he thought she'd moved out of state. A couple of weeks passed and I was doing my best to heal from this ordeal, when, out of the blue, I get a call from her from an unknown number telling me that she was back in town and wanted to meet me for a movie and dinner that night. I showed up, but yet again, she did not. How many times should I let this happen before I give up on her? --- MYSTIFIED

DEAR MYSTY: Dude, she is totally fucking with you. How stupid can you be?


DEAR MEMPHIS: I am a 23-year-old Catholic male. The last serious relationship I was in ended when I was 17. Even though we dated for three years, we never went "all the way." Now I am intimidated by women who have more sexual history than I do. I have always believed that one sexual partner for one's entire life is the ideal. Recently, a 20-year-old woman whom I care for deeply told me in explicit detail about a sexual experience she had with a 45-year-old man she met on the Internet. She did not mean to have sex with him, she told me, and the circumstances as she explained them sounded like borderline rape. She only met him that one time and does not want me to ask her about the experience anymore because she wants to forget what happened. I am having trouble dealing with this because part of me wants to find that man and have him thrown in jail, and the other part of me wants to leave this woman. I am afraid that if I stay involved with her, the knowledge of that experience will eat away at me. It is hard for me to understand why she put herself in such a position to begin with. I think the only way I can stay with her is if I fully understand the circumstances of what happened. But I know this is very difficult for her, and if she was raped, I do not want to cause her more psychological harm by endlessly interrogating her. I have felt sick since she told me this, and I do not think I can stay with her if I can't come to terms with it. --- HEARTSICK

HEARTSICK: you being a Catholic schoolgirl virgin Mary may not understand this, but here's the deal, sometimes a girl just wants to fuck. There's no such thing as "borderline rape". It's either rape or it isn't. If it was rape she'd say "I was raped." But that's not what she said right? She wanted to fuck him, so she did. But now she sees what a puss you are so she doesn't want to try to explain this to you, which is why she says she doesn't want to talk to YOU about it anymore. If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about whether or not you can stay with her and come to terms and all that shit. She's going to dump your ass just as soon as she finds out that you're a virgin and have no skills.


DEAR MEMPHIS: As a 66-year-old man, I can't remember how long it's been, if ever, that I cared what other people thought of me. My daughter-in-law said I was the most arrogant person she ever met. I replied, "I prefer to call it self-assured." I think you have to like yourself before you are able to love others. What say you? --- JOHN DOE

DEAR JOHN: Listen, there is a difference between liking yourself and being an arrogant, know-it-all, obnoxious asshole. Your daughter-in-law apparently likes herself well enough to stand up to you and tell you what everyone else already thinks. I think it's not insignificant that you added "if ever" when explaining how you don't care what other people think, because it invalidates everything else you said in that sentence about being 66 years old. Say, you don't happen to run a forum on the internet all about the show Big Brother Australia and frequently leave comments over on Beejay's blog, do you? Just curious.


DEAR MEMPHIS: I'm a 20-something female. At my gym I made the mistake of politely saying hello to a stranger, a 50-ish male, because he said hi to me. In so doing, I unwittingly opened the floodgates to this man's personal history (sexual exploits included), medical problems, unsolicited health advice, all of which he broadcasts in a detailed (and gross) monologue while I huff away on the bike, then the treadmill. My part in the conversation includes head nods and "uh-huhs." This guy must be thicker than a neutron cloud in a sauna because he just doesn't get it. How do I get him to leave me alone without being rude? --- ABOUT TO PULL A VAN GOGH

DEAR VAN GOGH: have you tried hitting him in the nuts with a medicine ball? I have a friend who did this once and it worked better than she'd hoped. Of course, it was an accident and he was her personal trainer, but still, no sense wasting a thoroughly tested method if we know it works. Go get that medicine ball!



OK, so if you have any important questions you need answered, relationship questions or personal problems that you are too embarrassed to ask the local bartender or Hooters waitress or your friends at the nail salon about, or even if your car is making a noise or you have a funny mole, send your questions to me, either by placing them in the comments following this post, or by sending them to me in an email at nudememphis at yahoo dot com, okaaaaay? I'll answer a few of them in about a week if I get any. You should probably only ask joke questions, though, as I'm likely only going to give joke answers. Thanks ya'll.



Hey Madeline, I told you I'd do it. Thanks for the idea.