1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING?
Which time? I woke up several times and one of them involved a fart that wasn't a fart. I hate those!
2. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS?
Boobs
3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
Harry Potter? I can't remember. It's been a long time.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
"Las Vegas" - Did you know that they cancelled this show after the writers' strike? It was the ONLY thing on on Friday nights and ended the season with a cliffhanger. And it's never coming back. Fucking TV network idiots!
5. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
Hooker, over easy.
6. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
Heidi
7. WHAT FOOD DO YOU DISLIKE?
Food that has been peed in.
8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CD?
One that I mixed myself, of course.
9. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?
Mach V. It flies and can drive underwater, too.
10. FAVORITE SANDWICH?
Me between Christina Applegate and Kelly Preston. Wait, this was an old high school fantasy. I should probably update this. Make that, me between Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba.
11. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE?
Excessive Tasering, especially of the groin area.
12. FAVORITE ITEM OF CLOTHING:
Her thong, just as I'm ripping it off her with my teeth, although my dentist has warned me to stop doing this. But his dental assistant totally disagrees.
13. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
Steph's place in Sydney, Australia. I just hope she doesn't own a Taser.
14. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM?
Turd brown. I don't think it was originally that color, though. I should probably clean that.
15. FAVORITE BRAND OF CLOTHING?
Victoria's Secret.
16. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO?
A nude beach in Miami if I could afford it. But I'd go blind pretty quickly after I got there, 'cause I'd never blink for days on end.
17. WHAT WAS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY?
I can't remember.
18. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Nude Supermodel Wrestling
19. FURTHEST PLACE YOU ARE SENDING THIS?
According to Sitemeter, someone on Mars reads my blog. Hey, all you crazy Martians!
20. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU:
I'm not sending it to anyone. Oh, OK. I least expect Napoleon to send it back to me 'cause he's dead and has no idea how to use the internet.
21. PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND IT BACK FIRST?
OK, this is getting monotonous
22. FAVORITE SAYING?
Ow, you're on my hair!
23. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?
On the same day that I was born, every year.
24. ARE YOU A MORNING OR NIGHT PERSON?
Night person. Hookers don't work much during the mornings unless they stayed out all night with me.
25. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE?
14, and yes it's true what they say about a man with big feet. We wear big shoes.
26. PETS?
What, you mean like Penthouse Pets? I love them all. It's hard not to love a hot, young girl when she's naked and smiling.
27. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH US?
I'm downloading porn as I write this.
28. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?
Bigger
29. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
Fried to a crisp. It's not even summer and already I've been seriously sunburned at least 3 times. And I haven't even been to a damn beach!
30. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY?
Candy Davis. She's an oldie, but a goodie. And a nudie on Google image search. Yay!
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER?
Rose, as in Rosanna Arquette.
32. WHAT IS A DAY ON THE CALENDAR YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO?
Saturday. I'm writing this on Friday, so I'm looking forward and the next day I see is Saturday.
33. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A brownie. No, not that kind of brownie. Good Lord, what a nasty mind you have!
34. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
I wish I could be on Shannon Elizabeth. She's a pretty big star.
35. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
A color that nobody used, because those crayons rub down to nothing and then get thrown away.
36. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?
Dark and calm, like a girl passed out in a tanning salon.
37. Favorite soft drink?
Orange Crush
38. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
Hooters
39. SIBLINGS?
I have siblings. We don't always admit to knowing each other, but I have some.
40. FAVORITE HOLIDAY OF THE YEAR?
Christmas
41. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
My penis
42. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I've never known a girl named Winter. Well, I guess there was Shelley Winter, the actress. But then there was Donna Summer. Neither of them do anything for me.
43. HUGS OR KISSES?
A good Playboy bunny boob hug is always fun. But so is a long, wet kiss from a supermodel. Not that I'd know this from experience, but I imagine it would be.
44. COFFEE OR TEA?
Sweet tea, light on the ice, with lemon. It's a Southern thang.
45. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
It depends on what we're talking about - ice cream, cake, hookers, or what.
46. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO E-MAIL YOU BACK?
Um, no. I send emails in the hopes that none of my friends will ever email me back. I just like talking without getting any response. It's almost like blogging.
47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
I don't know. Fourteen years ago, on January 3rd, maybe? I'm guessing, obviously.
48. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?
Inflatible U.S. President. After these 3 morons beat each other senseless, I intend to slip my inflatible U.S. President into the White House and rule by proxy. She looks a lot like an ordinary inflatible sex doll, but the media will love her because she's a woman and men will recognize that wide open mouth immediately. She'll be the most popular president ever. The best part is, if some lunatic shoots her all I have to do is get some rubber cement and a plastic patch and she's good as new.
49. WHO IS THE FRIEND YOU HAVE HAD THE LONGEST?
I have known my penis all my life.
50. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
Assassinated a prominent Memphis businessman who didn't pay his debts. Then I screwed his hot wife and hotter daughter, who both thanked me profusely, and then I went home to watch "My Name Is Earl". Either that or I fell asleep on the couch and had a funky dream.
51. FAVORITE SMELL?
I love the smell of vagina in the morning!
52. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
One of the other 3 Presidential candidates getting the job instead of my Inflatible U.S. President doll.
WHERE'S 53?
Probably out jogging.
54. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR RING?
I don't keep keys on my ring. It's a ring, not a keychain.
55. HOW MANY YEARS AT YOUR CURRENT JOB?
5 to 10, with time off for good behavior.
56. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK?
Saturday night's alright for fighting. Get a little action in.
57. HOW MANY TOWNS HAVE YOU LIVED IN?
4 - Rockettown, Memphrica, Redneckville, and now The Boondocks.
58. DO YOU MAKE FRIENDS EASILY?
I used to. Now I am highly reserved until I know you aren't a sociopathic scumbag.
59. HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL YOU SEND THIS TO?
I'm sending it out to all the world! Yay! We are the world, we are the children. Ooh, I always hated that stupid song.
60. HOW MANY WILL RESPOND?
All of them. They will respond by reading it in their feeder and not leaving me any comments, those fuckers.
And now for something completely different ...
Nothing entertains like a farting pig
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