Dear Memphis

Dear Memphis:
I just read in Maxim magazine that they think Seattle is tougher than Milkwaukee. Is coffee tougher than beer? Is drizzle tougher than merciless blizzards? Is Frasier tougher than the Fonz? Didn't think so. No amount of double-skim no-foam Frappuccino would save some granola cruncher from a 12-foot snow drifts. What do you think?
Rich Schiller

Seattle truly is tougher than Milkwaukee. You know why? Because people actually want to live in Seattle, so it's a fight just to get in there. But no one wants to live in Milkwaukee, so only the weak and pathetic end up there. Sort of like Memphis.


Dear Memphis:

I am a soldier in Iraq. My buddies and I love the hot photos of women on your blog, especially your IDH list. Two of us actually got in trouble for printing out and posting some pictures of women from your blog. You keep the morale high and make these endless days over here go by a little faster.
Spc.CaseyH

Who the fuck gets our fighting men into trouble for posting photos of hot women in order to motivate themselves during a damn war? What kind of bitch nation are we when our men are forced to fight and die for America, but prohibited to look at beautiful women? That pisses me off! You should shoot someone for that. And I can think of just the person. But you'll need to come back to America to do it. And also there's the problem of Secret Service agents you'll have to get past, but I'll bet if you ask them nicely they'll just give her up to you.


Dear Memphis:

I'm a nurse, and I'm appalled at the decline of the American male. For instance, George is a 31-year-old patient of mine. I interviewed him with his mother at his bedside. Over the past several years, I have admitted countless numbers of men in their 30s and 40s who come in with their moms. What happened to all the real men? How can a man expect to run a household or raise a child if he can't even come to the doctor's office without his mommy?
Mallie York

Hey Mallie, I don't guess you've noticed that The West has been waging a war on males for the past 40 years or more, by any chance? If not, then let me be the first to tell you. This misandric cultural massacre hasn't exactly led to a land of Real Men. Instead, it's led to a nation where 'bitch' is considered a title of, well, entitlement and pride - lots and lots of pride. And 'mommas boy' is just another name for Bill Clinton, the most popular lying, cheating, bad-boy president among women since Kennedy fucked Marilyn Monroe in the Lincoln bedroom. If you're looking for a few good men, I'm afraid you're going to have to either join the Marines or move. It's only going to keep getting worse here, as this cultral castration has snowballed into the new national religion, so the best that I can tell you is to get used to it. And maybe start a blog or something so you can make contact with men in other countries such as Australia. You might find that there are still a few nations left in this world where men aren't raised just to be castrated for internet YouTube entertainment. Alternatively, you could learn to speak Spanish and start flirting with the tanned, sweaty guys who take care of your lawn. Mexicans are known for having a rather macho culture, despite their funny little cartoon voices and polka music. Their men are actually allowed to take pride in being manly men, while their women take pride in being, brace yourself for this next part, feminine women! And all this takes place without any politicians involved at all. Not coincidentally, they have far more intact families and their men don't take their momma's along with them to the doctor to hold their hands. Practice saying this, "Estoy buscando a hombre fuerte grande para hacerme amor" and I promise you, you'll attract more than a few macho Mexican boyfriends in no time.


Dear Memphis:

A coworker of mine won't shut up about his massive penis. I don't believe it, but is it wrong if I sneak a peak at the urinal so I can shut him up next time?
Bryan Reynolds

Oh Bryan. Bryan, Bryan, Bryan. No. No no no no NO! What are you going to say? 'Hey, I was looking at your penis and it wasn't all that?' How gay! You won't shut him up. You'll just change the topic of the conversation to you being a gay pervert who looks at other guy's penises in the bathroom. What you have to do is, take your cameraphone and get a picture of it. Then post it in the breakroom along with his name. Whether he has a big penis or not, it isn't likely to be overly large while he's peeing with it. Not unless he walks around with a boner all day long and pees on the ceiling. He could have 12 inches and still look tiny while he's flaccid enough to pee, so either way you win. And also, instead of being known as the office perv, you'll be known as a gutsy guy who finally shut your coworker up about his penis. Later, you'll probably be remembered as the coworker who got killed by the guy whose penis he posted a picture of, but that's a whole different issue.


Dear Memphis:

My ex-girlfriend and I met at this great local pub that we always went to. Things didn't work out, and we broke up. So who gets control of the bar? Should I be the gentleman and let her have it?
J. Liebling

Did you read that letter up above from the nurse who complained about "the decline of the American male", by any chance? What kind of pussy are you? Are you a doormat? Did you lose the bar in the divorce? Fuck the ex-girlfriend. If you want the bar, take the bar. You know she's not sitting around agonizing over whether or not she should 'give' you the bar, you dumbass. She's sitting with her girlfriends and they're telling her the same thing I'm telling you right now - take it. If you're any kind of man at all, you'll stand your ground and take what you want. And if you do, whether they admit it or not, her girlfriends will be impressed. Some of them may even sneak over to your place behind her back for a chance to be with a 'real man'. Because in case you hadn't heard, real men are increasingly rare in this Brave New Girlie World. Be a man. Take the bar. Unless it's one of those really shitty places, like TGIFriday's or something. There's no sense fighting over a shitty bar.


Dear Memphis:

My buddy started dating my long-term girlfriend's younger sister. It was great until he started cheating on her. Now I feel really guilty for not telling my girlfriend, but I don't want to sell out my bro. What do I do?
W. Torres

Mr. Torres,
I point you as well to the letter above in which the woman opined that there are no real men in the world anymore. What do you do? You do what a real man does. You say nothing to either of the girls about it. You take your 'buddy' aside, and inform him that he is not only fucking things up with your girlfriends' sister, but also fucking you over by putting you in such a lousy spot. Then you kick his ass and tell him to quit fucking around and either break up with your girlfriend's sister, or lose the other woman. Then you both keep this shit to yourselves or you'll be hearing about it for the rest of your life, or however long it is that you stay with your girlfriend, because women never forget this shit and somehow, some way, it's going to be all your fault.




For Kylie

Dear Memphis:

My parents divorced a few years ago. My brother and I, both adults, were saddened, and were even more dismayed when we learned that our father's affair had precipitated it—he had always been a strict and moral man. The woman with whom he had the affair seemed to be a gold digger. After my parents split, our father moved across the country to make a "fresh start," and the gold digger and her young children followed. For a while, he flew in a couple of times a year to visit us. Eventually he married the gold digger. We were not invited to his wedding, and he didn't tell us about it until later. Neither my brother nor I have ever met the gold digger. This Christmas, we sent him a gift, but neither I nor my children received anything from him. He did call on New Year's Day, and we had a pleasant conversation. I feel very hurt. Clearly, my father is choosing the gold digger over us and his grandchildren. I'm contemplating writing my father a letter (probably very similar to this one) to explain how his choice hurts and disappoints me, and inviting him to come spend some time with my family. Do you think writing the letter is a bad idea? Would it be better to seethe quietly and not make a fuss? Or simply to extend an invitation to visit us? Are there other options for improving our relationship, or is it time to just let him go? —Far Away and Forgotten Daughter

Dear Far Away,
Why do you assume she's a "gold digger"? Maybe she just has great tits. Did you ever think of that? Obviously your father left your mother for a reason and really great tits are about as popular of a reason as any, especially when the wife has stopped providing any sex in the marriage. I don't know your lonely father or your frigid mother or the woman with the great tits, obviously, but I do know divorces and their drama. It sounds like Tits has done what many women do after seducing a married man with children. She has hauled him as far away from his own family as possible and made damned sure he keeps away from all of you. This is partly instinctive, especially in women with their own children, so before you go telling me that I'm bashing women, I'd like to point you to my own Father-In-Law and his big tittied, blonde-haired second wife who did this exact same alienating the children shit to My Wife and her brother and sister. I wouldn't be surprised if your present never even reached him because Tits intercepted it, as she is probably going to do with all your attempts to communicate with him. Anyway, he's going to need time to realize what he's lost. This may take two or three years. But once he removes his face from her breasts and looks around, he's going to realize his own family is gone and he's going to miss you. He'll probably call you sounding sheepish and try to regain his relationship with you. You will always be his daughter and no matter how much sex Mrs. Tits gives your father, there is a place in his heart that will always and forever belong to you.


Dear Memphis:

I've been married to a wonderful man for five years. About a month ago, I walked in on him watching a pornographic video, and I'm pretty sure he has no idea that I saw what he was doing. Our sex life is usually incredible, but ever since this incident, I've felt very down. Every time we're intimate, I wonder if he's just thinking about the women in his videos, I'm feeling less attractive, I wonder what he's doing when I'm not around, I'm suspicious when he doesn't respond to my advances, and worst, I'm feeling less attracted to him. When he asks what's wrong, I don't know what to tell him. Should I talk to him about this to try to resolve my feelings, and if so, how? Or is this something that women just have to learn to live with?
—Talk or Deal

Dear Talk,
You seem to hint that he was doing "something" with himself while watching. So I'm assuming you didn't just go sit down and watch it with him for that reason. That's fine. I wouldn't have either. Yuck, sticky seats! But as for your worries about what he's thinking, it isn't something that you should let affect you so much. What he's thinking while he's watching the videos is likely to be the same thing that women think about when they watch them, which they do, baby. He's thinking about sex! And he's apparently either taking care of himself right then and there or else he's taking care of you. As for what he's thinking while he's with you, it's the same thing he's been thinking throughout your entire marriage (Jessica Alba naked - no, I'm kidding). Nothing has changed with him. What has changed is you. If you were shocked to find him watching porn at all, the best I can tell you is to get over it. Most men and women watch porn at some point or other, and many couples watch it together before having sex. It's been proven to help couples with their sex lives. Humans watching other humans having sex are stimulated to want sex, too. It's instinctive and unavoidable. So what I'd recommend you do is, tell you that you saw him watching a porn video, leaving out the part about wanking, and tell him that you wondered if he'd mind watching some with you. Then, and this is very important, WATCH THEM with him. And focus on what YOU'RE thinking about, which should be sex. And when you notice the juices flowing, reach over and grab his manhood and YOU do some wanking. I think the two of you can take it from that point without me.


Dear Memphis:

I am African, and I've found that a lot of times when people meet me, they ask the dumbest questions. (Do you live in trees? Do you have houses? etc., etc.) Now, I understand that people in the United States know next to nothing about Africa because of what they see (or don't see) in the mainstream media. My response used to be to explain, but lately, I've been taking the sarcastic route. For example, if someone says, "You speak really good English," I say, "Thank you, and so do you," or if someone asks if we live in trees, I answer enthusiastically, "Yes, and our tree is right next to the American embassy tree." But sadly, there are cases where this has gone right over the recipient's head. What is the proper way of dealing with ignorance without having to spend time explaining yet again, or coming across as having a chip on my shoulder?
—Tired of the Dumb Questions

Dear Tired,
I have to be honest with you, and this comes from my own experiences in dealing with arrogant assholes from the Northern States when they learn that I'm from Alabama, I do exactly the same thing that you're doing. I simply remember my all-time favorite smart-ass answers and use them as often as the need arises. For example, they often ask me things such as "do you live on a farm"? I answer, "Yes, I live on a marijuana farm and I constantly encounter stoned, naked, horny college girls trespassing on my property." They ask, "do you have indoor plumbing" and I answer, "no, the plumbling runs under the foundation of the house. Only the fixtures are indoors." They ask, "did you ever have sex with your cousin" and I answer, "no, I was too busy having sex with your sister." These types of answers are truly the only appropriate way to deal with morons. It has been this way since the beginning of time. Even in the Bible, in the book of Proverbs, there are verses advising the Jews on how to deal with idiots just like the ones you've described. One of the verses actually encourages the use of smart-ass answers to these people. So there you have it. God says give'em hell. And enjoy it.


Dear Memphis:

I met a great guy at a board-game party, and we really hit it off. There was a lot of one-on-one interaction, joking, and flirtation between the two of us. When he knew the answers, he'd whisper them to me, when I knew, I'd whisper them to him, our knees and arms were touching most of the night, and he even grasped my hand at one point. My two girlfriends even noticed, and after we'd left, they said that the flirtation was completely mutual. The guy came with us to the door when we left, and asked if I had any plans for the rest of the weekend. I said I didn't. I was sure he was going to ask for my number or suggest plans for later, but he didn't (granted, the window of time was not enormous as I headed out the door), and I'm really disappointed. I'm 26, so I've had my share of dating experiences, and I've concluded I generally like for the guy to take the initiative in the beginning. Is this misguided? I just think I've gotten better results when the guy takes the lead (or at least thinks he does!). Is there any way to still salvage this initial spark?
—Wishing for a "Closer"

Dear Wishing,
In a room filled with people, and especially with your friends standing right there, he probably didn't quite have the nerve to ask you out. Girls have a habit of traveling in packs, which makes it really hard for guys to get close to them and ask them out. Anyway, what's done is done. At this point, what matters is that you two clicked and you want more. He didn't ask at the door, so now you need to start tracking him down. Whether you get his number and call him, get his email and send him a message, or get his address and show up naked at his front door, it doesn't matter, just so long as you do something. You may prefer that the guy take the intiative, but in this case it didn't quite happen. Since you're still thinking about him, it looks like you need to provide him another opportunity to make that move. So hunt him down and jump him. If he doesn't make his move at that point, considering the heat that passed between you, then he's either gay or married.