What Not to Say When Pulled Over by a Cop

Sometimes it can be shocking how ignorant people can be about how to behave when confronted by a police officer. Joking, laughing, or being insulting are not uncommon reactions to an unexpected run-in with a professional law enforcer trained to torture and kill ordinary citizens. For the benefit of the truly clueless, the following are a few tips about Things To Say, and Things Not To Say, when confronted by a heavily armed and potentially psychotic police officer.

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Things To Say


1. "Hello officer, what seems to be the problem?"

Here you have acknowledged that you recognize the armed government agent standing before you as a law enforcement professional and indicated your intention of speaking calmly and politely to them.



2. "Did I do something wrong?"

This may be said while displaying hands out to the side, palms up, which has the added benefit of showing the officer that you have nothing in your hands and are thus unarmed. Should the officer desire to shoot you, the fact that you are unarmed means he or she will have to use their portable torture gun, or Taser, if they should decide to go ahead and shoot you. This is not necessarily a huge improvement over being shot with a .40 caliber handgun, as the Taser was designed to target the external genitalia and destroy them, which often has the side-effect of killing male victims through shear unbearable pain. Nevertheless, the chances of your surviving being shot with a Taser without having a giant hole where your groin used to be is much higher than it is with the .40 caliber handgun.




3. "Here is my identification."

Don't even discuss what the officer wants with you. Just hand over your ID and wait for them to start the argument. That's a safe way to go. Maybe the officer won't be in a bad mood and will simply yell at you for a moment before taking your license back to their patrol car to call in the information and check for any outstanding warrants on you. Of course, if there are any outstanding warrants you might want to just go ahead and lie face down on the pavement before they find out. This makes it easier for them to handcuff you and also hides the entire front of your body, including your groin, from the Taser, even if only temporarily. Just giving up as fast as possible is usually a good idea.



4. *nothing*

Just don't say anything. Whatever the officer wants will probably be made known to you in short order. No need to prompt for it. Say nothing. Don't smile or laugh or frown or show any sign of emotion whatever. A blank slate can be a safe way to go with a heavily armed, often angry, servant of arbitrary and treacherous politicians. Think about it, if you worked for a bunch of politicians and carried weapons as part of that job, wouldn't you be an often-angry jerk? Probably so. Just keep that in mind and shut your mouth until required to respond to whatever is asked of you. Always remember, this person often WANTS to hurt you. Making a felony arrest for resisting arrest helps an officer get promoted quicker. Don't offer an excuse because he'll jump right on it.



5. "Please, please don't hurt me! I have a heart condition and three children who have nowhere else to live if I die!"

Sometimes openly admitting that you are crapping in your pants in fear isn't a bad way to go. If you're a female it will almost always work in your favor. It's like crying only without the actual tears. If you're a male it's risky because the officer may take it as a pathetic sign of weakness and decide to torture you as punishment for being unmanly, which is ironic seeing as the Tasers they carry were specifically designed to literally and permanently emasculate males when applied to the groin, as instructed by the manufacturer. Nevertheless, in this age of patrol car cameras, an immediate show of absolute fear and submission can work in your favor in court should the officer fry you.



Always remember, many police officers are decent human beings just trying to do an often-difficult job that has to be done, and to do it as fairly and reasonably as possible. But also remember, some police officers are deeply unhinged sadists looking for any excuse to hurt you in the worst possible way and in the worst possible places. You have no way of knowing which one you're dealing with, so always assume the worst and try not to provoke them.

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Things NOT To Say

1. "What the fuck?! Why are you pigs always hassling me?!"

If you are female and reasonably attractive, ala Lindsey Lohan, you can probably get away with this. Otherwise, it's instant Tasertown for you. In some instances, as regulation of the use of the torture device is increasingly strict, it might simply lead to a quick and severe beating ending in an old-fashioned choke-out. Cops who enjoy hurting people always seem to love the choke-out. Usually they say "nighty night" as they're doing it. I don't know why. It's nearly universal that they do that for some reason. There was probably some lame movie where a cop choked out a guy and said that and now it's become the new "go ahead, make my day" of the police world. Either way, by the time they get to the choke-out they have probably already broken several of your ribs, ruptured your testicles, shattered a cheekbone and eye socket, and knocked out a few of your teeth, so don't make the mistake of thinking that an angry cop is simply going to choke you into unconsciousness and then you'll wake up harmlessly in jail. You may not wake up at all, and if you do it'll be in the floor of the jail where you'll be waiting an hour or two for the ambulance to come get you after they've printed, photographed and fully processed you into the system.


First we handcuff you, then maybe later your broken leg gets attention

2. "WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?!"

Shouting "what's the problem" at the officer, usually with clenched fists and teeth and no ID in hand, especially when said from the comfort of your car, is always a bad idea. The response you'll get is nearly always going to be that you'll be told to get out of the car, followed by the officer pulling your ass out through the window for a full-fledged beatdown. I won't even go into the specifics of what will be done to you as it is a given, if you are male, that you will be sexually assaulted and tortured, usually with a Taser, and you will end up in the hospital being told by a doctor that your life will never be the same again as he shows you how to properly wear adult diapers. Viagra can't fix this.


A bullet to the groin is never good for you

3. "I'm not so think as you drunk I am, Oliver, er, Ociffer."

Often, when a person is drunk off their ass, they manage to convince themselves that they can 'act' sober and fool everyone. Sure, you've had 12 shots of Vodka straight up plus more beers than you can remember, but you're smarter than most people, right? You can fool'em. You can talk you way out of this. Any time you find yourself thinking, "sure I'm drunk, but I'll bet he won't notice if I just say enough highly intelligent things as quickly as possible" it is a sure sign that you are only going to make matters worse. You think you're saying, "hello officer, isn't it a lovely night? I was just out with my friends having a nice talk about economics." And in reality what comes out of you, filtered by the toxins in your brain, is "heshmo oprafer, ishm't lubly blight? I wash ... I wash jess fawkin' a goose behin'da bar feathers in mah mouth penis blabbabdy blah thppppt." And what the officer interprets this to mean is "I'm drunk. Please beat me up and arrest me." Just shut up.



4. "I can't find my pants. My ID is in my pants. Why aren't I wearing any pants?!"

Any time you find yourself out in public with missing clothing, especially if any sensitive parts are exposed as a result, it is a very bad situation for you to be in, especially if you encounter a cop at this point in time. There are endless news stories of pantless men being shot directly in the genitals by Tasers, with the Taser dart literally spearing their genitalia like a scuba diver's spear gun through a fish, after which it fried the whole thing with 50,000 volts of theoretically illegal sexual torture. The articles rarely mention the consequences of this genital assault, but when they do it is always the same result - total and complete impotence and incontinence for the rest of the poor victim's life. Yes, you read that right, dead manhood and diapers for the rest of your life. If you see a cop and you are without any pants, lie face down on the ground immediately, legs tight together and make sure your junk is safely tucked completely under you where it can't be easily Tasered. And shut up. Just the fact that you haven't got any pants on is enough to tell you that you're going to jail. Give up while you still can.


No pants

5. "Oh yeah, I'd like to see you MAKE me!"

This response to police commands is the equivalent of taking off all your clothing and painting a big bullseye on yourself. It's a fools way of saying, "I wonder how much abuse my body can withstand before I die? Why don't we find out?" Often when an obnoxious intoxicated person is arrested they get a beating somewhere along the way. Sometimes that beating includes electric Taser rape and literal emasculation. And sometimes it means a beatdown so severe that you actually die right then and there, or maybe you hang on overnight and die early the next morning in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of your body while your momma and your significant other stand over you and cry. None of these are good options. It's best to try to remember that no matter how obnoxious and wrong the police officer might be, don't ever say or do anything that could give them an excuse to hurt you. Especially if you live in Memphis. Because we have a lot of Memphis police officers who love to beat the shit out of people of all colors and sexes and nationalities every chance they get. Try to focus on the arsenal of weapons and torture devices covering the police officers belts. Think about how incredibly many ways they have available to them to hurt you right there on those belts. Wonder about how in the hell do they even sit down with all that stuff on? But mostly, be afraid. Be very afraid. Cry if you have to. Faint if you can't help yourself. But don't mouth off or offer to fight with the officer. Nothing good is going to come of it for you if you do. It won't impress your friends to hear you screaming like a girl. It won't impress your girl to see you Tasered in the groin and peeing yourself uncontrollably. They want to hurt you. That is their job. Some of them became cops specifically because they enjoy hurting people so very, very much. They are training every single day with the idea of how best to hurt you while you are sitting on your ass watching "Survivor" and eating potato chips. Death by police officer is no way to go. Trust me on this. Shut your mouth. Do what they say. Don't argue. Don't fight back. run

5 Ways to Tell If Your Guy is Lying

Feminists claim that the way to tell if a man is lying is to see if his lips are moving. Of course, feminists rarely ever date any members of the male sex and generally don't get along with them, so perhaps it is understandable that guys might lie to them simply to get away or that feminists might not even really understand guys at all. Not that this lack of understanding has stopped them from writing mountains of articles and books about men. But experts in the CIA, who mysteriously seem to be available to write dating columns for women's magazines which I happily lampoon on my blog say it is actually a bit more complicated to know if a man is lying than simply seeing if he is speaking at all.

It seems that the most sought-after guys, the ones women are quickest to drop their panties for, lie to those panty-dropping women more than normal. And women, well, they often like to try to control men like a puppeteer controls their little string puppets. So of course they want to know as much as possible about how to tell if they, in turn, are being manipulated right back.

At various times, it's likely that your man has said something to you that sounded not quite right. "No, your ass is not getting as big as a semi." "No, I don't mind watching your movie and I actually sort of like Julia Roberts." "No, I don't mind when you denigrate me to my friends and your friends and your family and my family and the mailman and the kids and the dog and even when you're talking in your sleep."

"Men lie to preserve their ego," Dave Crumb, former CIA man and author of "Writing Women's Books Is Going To Make Me Rich", explains. "Actually," he whispers to me as he leans forward, "it's to preserve women's ego, but I'm never going to tell them that. Wait, don't write that down! I'll swear I never said that if you quote me on that. Just go with the first part. Women love hearing that shit because of that whole ego thing. And I'm not saying whose ego, either. Are you still writing this down? Wait, stop! Go back. Back up and delete that last stuff. I was talking off the record there."


Psyche major

Even though small lies intended to preserve your, or their, ego, might seem harmless, after awhile women begin to feel confused as to what is true and what is a lie. And then, all too often, they make the mistake of going and talking to a psychotic friend who probably went to college to major in psychology or psychiatry because she herself is a basketcase and is trying to figure out why her life is such a disaster, and this crazy friend fills her head with a lot of pop-feminist crap which ultimately leads to the breakup of any and all relationships she has with men. Misery loves company, you see, and no one is more miserable than your average psychiatric professional loony.

So here are a few simple tactics to help you spot when your man is lying to you versus when he's being totally honest and insensitive to your feelings.


Relaxed
1. Take note of his normal behavior. Carefully notice how your man behaves when he's talking to one of the guys. Guys rarely lie to each other because guys have a low tolerance for bullshit. That's why so few men voted for Barack Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Barney Frank or Al Franken. Wait, almost no one voted for Al Franken. That was all stolen votes courtesy of George Soros, owner of the Democratic Party. Anyway, forget Al Franken. The point is, the best way to get a straight-up view of how a guy acts when he's not bullshitting is to observe him talking to his closest friends, which contrary to what you like to believe, is not you. How does he hold his hands when he's being honest? How does he sit, legs wide apart or crossed like a homo? What facial expressions does he make? Knowing this will come in handy when you're grilling him about "the relationship" later on.

2. Take note of his posture. If he is sitting back with his feet apart, TV remote in his right hand, beer in his left, staring blankly at the TV screen, this is his "honest posture" or "couch potato pose." A question that makes him feel threatened will cause this posture to "wake up" or "get pissed off" and he'll lean forward, or put down his beer and put one hand over his groin in unconscious fear of being sexually assaulted and castrated because you can be a real psycho at times. He may even put down the TV remote, which is a sure sign that he is feeling extremely agitated, angry, or threatened. If he turns off the TV altogether then he is pissed.


Vulnerable

3. Know how to properly drill him for information. If you find yourself suspecting your man of deceiving you, knowing the right way to trick him is your key to success or failure in setting your trap before going apeshit crazy on his ass. Let's say you ask him if he thinks women in America are more oppressed and abused than men. If he says yes, but based on his posture you note that he has assumed the "cover the groin and run like hell" pose, you need to back off and wait for another opportunity to trap him. Knowing in advance that he is suspicious of your question can allow you to prepare a "new" question, which is simply the same question worded more deceptively in order to make it harder for him to escape.


Don't let him escape

4. Reword the question as an assumption. If you already expect him to be on his guard for your attack, turn your question around and form it as if you were one of his male friends who simply wants to know what he thinks, but isn't going to jump on his ass and rupture his testicles if he gives an honest answer. In this case, assume you are a total idiot and have no opinion of your own and then ask "do you think America abuses and oppresses either one of the sexes more than the other or have we achieved equality?" Said this way, he at least has the option of choosing a third response, rather than being forced into a corner where he has to pick one sex over the other.

5. Bait him like a fish. If you suspect he's already lying to you - maybe he recently stopped reading "Men's Health" magazine, which is basically a women's magazine for men, but he still reads "Muscle and Fitness" which is more manly and less filled with fluffy bullshit - you can use that as bait to force an explanation. Try: "why did you stop reading "Men's Health", which I liked, but you still read "Muscle and Fitness", which has fewer articles about sex?" By asking based on undeniable evidence - he definitely HAS stopped reading "Men's Health" - you are not necessarily accusing him of anything, so he won't instinctively pick up on the coming attack and assume a defensive posture, which makes it more likely that he'll give you an honest answer. And maybe he'll admit that he feels like "Muscle and Fitness" is more male-friendly than "Men's Health", which could create an opening for the question you'd been wanting to ask all along about which sex is more oppressed, only now he thinks he brought it up. SUCKA!


Sucka!

If you still think he's not being honest with you, look for common signs of deception which can help you decide if he's being honest. The following signs are a warning:

Stalling: "What? What did you say? I can't hear you because I have my fingers stuffed in my ears right now!" Or perhaps he simply repeats the question a few times, "did I sleep with your best friend? Sleep with your best friend? Did I what? What? Whaaaat?! That's crazy-talk!"

Defensiveness: "Why would I even want to sleep with her? She's not even that good-looking. I mean, if I was ever going to cheat, which I totally am not and I resent the question, but I could get plenty of much better-looking girls than that!"

Excuses: "I'm just really tired. Of course I haven't just finished having sex with your best friend! I've just had a rough day, that's all. Give me about 30 minutes and I'll be good to go."

Answering your question with a question: "Why would you even ask me such a thing? Do you think she's hot? Did she say something about having the hots for me?"

What if: "What if I said I find her attractive and would be open to a threesome? Would you consider it?"

Sudden Stupidity: "I really don't recall." "Not that I can recall at this time." Or the ever popular "that depends on what your definition of "is" is." Basically, anything ever said by either Bill or Hillary Clinton while they were under oath is a giant red flag.

Too much detail: Men are normally not talkative unless the subject at hand is sports, cars, or supermodels. If your man not only answers your question, but fills you in on every tiny detail about the entire day, when on any other day he'd simply say "yep," then you know something is not quite right.

Suddenly turning Jewish on you(Using guilt): "Why would you even think such a thing?!" "Are you saying you think I'm a bad person?!" "My mother should live to hear this, that you would think I would ever, EVER be such a cold-hearted bastard as to do THAT!"

Sounds: "Ahem", "cough" or a rising, higher-pitched voice are warnings. Farting or burping are not, as this is normal male behavior.

Qualifiers: "to be fair" or "honestly ..."

Look out for

Fidgeting: Bouncing his leg, shifting in his seat (without adjusting his junk), tapping his fingers

Face touching: Scratching his nose or chin or forehead, or all three

Fiddling: Suddenly setting his watch, tightening the screws in his glasses, spinning a ring on his finger, fiddling with a necklace or other bling

Unblinking stare: Looking you straight in the eye without blinking, yet showing no signs of anger. This is often accompanied with a widening of the eyes so that they are fully opened, far more than normal

Cleaning: Suddenly straighting items on the table or dusting

Sweat: Wiping sweat of his forehead and fanning his armpits


The Stare
So there you have it. Take all of this information and arm yourself. Given enough information you can totally control your man and virtually read his mind. And honestly, isn't that what you've always wanted?

Memphis Steve Lists 5 Ways to Make a Miserable Job Better

5 Ways to Make a Miserable Job Better


Alcohol makes people more productive

1. Alcohol - take it to work with you. Hide it if you have to. And always remember this rule of thumb: the stronger the drinks, the less your job stinks.

2. Office Bullies, fuck with them - every workplace has at least one sociopath running around trying to push all the other employees around. If it's a man, he usually likes to use physical intimidation, like throwing coins at coworkers and then pretending he didn't really mean to hit them in the face. "oh sorry." Yeah sure, dickhead. If it's a woman, she'll invariably use the phrase "I order you" followed by some ridiculous statement that has nothing to do with your job, or even more frustrating, is something you were already in the process of doing anyway. And more often than not, this bitch isn't even your boss. Whatever the case, never let a good office bully go unpunished. Slash their tires, pour hot pepper sauce in their coffee, increase the time their popcorn cooks in the microwave by about 10 minutes, infect their computer with a virus, spread nasty rumors about them having sex with children, spread nasty rumors about their children, call their spouse and give them an anonymous tip that she's having an affair with the guy who hit you in the face with a quarter and then said "oh sorry." Be creative. But most important of all, have fun!

3. Schedule "mental health" days - This could mean either going outside to sit in the sun in a lawnchair, listen to your favorite music, and scream "I hate my fucking life" at the top of your lungs for a day, or it could mean going to a bar and just sitting and getting drunk while watching sports on TV. Whatever makes you feel free and easy for awhile and lets you forget about the stresses at work. If there's a beach nearby (you lucky shit) go there and sit in the sun and look at girls titties all day.

4. Deal with your health issues - If your job has driven you to depression it is important to remember that alcohol makes depression worse. But vodka doesn't. Vodka makes everything funny as shit. So skip the weepy old six-pack of beer and reach for a bottle of good old Russian vodka. If it was good enough to help people survive the worst country in the world, it's good enough to help you survive your lousy job. "Я люблю проституток и водочки!"

5. Know yourself and your personality - fun people are drained if they are forced to be around really lame people for too long. If you are a fun person and all your coworkers are in IT or Accounting then of course they're going to suck the life out of you. If you're a lame person and you work with some party animal hot young slut, she's going to make you insane with all her stories about the sex and the drinking and the fun she's having that you never had. Knowing this about yourself can help you to cope. Get away for periodic breaks. Take up smoking as an excuse to step outside and talk shit about all your coworkers with the other smokers. You know that's what they're doing out there. That's why they find it so hard to give up smoking. It's not the nicotine. It's all the shit-talking along with the knowledge that anyone who isn't out there smoking with them is being talked about. Go get you some cigarettes and learn to smoke. It'll do you good.


Smoking - it's good for you

Dear Memphis

Dear Memphis:
I just read in Maxim magazine that they think Seattle is tougher than Milkwaukee. Is coffee tougher than beer? Is drizzle tougher than merciless blizzards? Is Frasier tougher than the Fonz? Didn't think so. No amount of double-skim no-foam Frappuccino would save some granola cruncher from a 12-foot snow drifts. What do you think?
Rich Schiller

Seattle truly is tougher than Milkwaukee. You know why? Because people actually want to live in Seattle, so it's a fight just to get in there. But no one wants to live in Milkwaukee, so only the weak and pathetic end up there. Sort of like Memphis.


Dear Memphis:

I am a soldier in Iraq. My buddies and I love the hot photos of women on your blog, especially your IDH list. Two of us actually got in trouble for printing out and posting some pictures of women from your blog. You keep the morale high and make these endless days over here go by a little faster.
Spc.CaseyH

Who the fuck gets our fighting men into trouble for posting photos of hot women in order to motivate themselves during a damn war? What kind of bitch nation are we when our men are forced to fight and die for America, but prohibited to look at beautiful women? That pisses me off! You should shoot someone for that. And I can think of just the person. But you'll need to come back to America to do it. And also there's the problem of Secret Service agents you'll have to get past, but I'll bet if you ask them nicely they'll just give her up to you.


Dear Memphis:

I'm a nurse, and I'm appalled at the decline of the American male. For instance, George is a 31-year-old patient of mine. I interviewed him with his mother at his bedside. Over the past several years, I have admitted countless numbers of men in their 30s and 40s who come in with their moms. What happened to all the real men? How can a man expect to run a household or raise a child if he can't even come to the doctor's office without his mommy?
Mallie York

Hey Mallie, I don't guess you've noticed that The West has been waging a war on males for the past 40 years or more, by any chance? If not, then let me be the first to tell you. This misandric cultural massacre hasn't exactly led to a land of Real Men. Instead, it's led to a nation where 'bitch' is considered a title of, well, entitlement and pride - lots and lots of pride. And 'mommas boy' is just another name for Bill Clinton, the most popular lying, cheating, bad-boy president among women since Kennedy fucked Marilyn Monroe in the Lincoln bedroom. If you're looking for a few good men, I'm afraid you're going to have to either join the Marines or move. It's only going to keep getting worse here, as this cultral castration has snowballed into the new national religion, so the best that I can tell you is to get used to it. And maybe start a blog or something so you can make contact with men in other countries such as Australia. You might find that there are still a few nations left in this world where men aren't raised just to be castrated for internet YouTube entertainment. Alternatively, you could learn to speak Spanish and start flirting with the tanned, sweaty guys who take care of your lawn. Mexicans are known for having a rather macho culture, despite their funny little cartoon voices and polka music. Their men are actually allowed to take pride in being manly men, while their women take pride in being, brace yourself for this next part, feminine women! And all this takes place without any politicians involved at all. Not coincidentally, they have far more intact families and their men don't take their momma's along with them to the doctor to hold their hands. Practice saying this, "Estoy buscando a hombre fuerte grande para hacerme amor" and I promise you, you'll attract more than a few macho Mexican boyfriends in no time.


Dear Memphis:

A coworker of mine won't shut up about his massive penis. I don't believe it, but is it wrong if I sneak a peak at the urinal so I can shut him up next time?
Bryan Reynolds

Oh Bryan. Bryan, Bryan, Bryan. No. No no no no NO! What are you going to say? 'Hey, I was looking at your penis and it wasn't all that?' How gay! You won't shut him up. You'll just change the topic of the conversation to you being a gay pervert who looks at other guy's penises in the bathroom. What you have to do is, take your cameraphone and get a picture of it. Then post it in the breakroom along with his name. Whether he has a big penis or not, it isn't likely to be overly large while he's peeing with it. Not unless he walks around with a boner all day long and pees on the ceiling. He could have 12 inches and still look tiny while he's flaccid enough to pee, so either way you win. And also, instead of being known as the office perv, you'll be known as a gutsy guy who finally shut your coworker up about his penis. Later, you'll probably be remembered as the coworker who got killed by the guy whose penis he posted a picture of, but that's a whole different issue.


Dear Memphis:

My ex-girlfriend and I met at this great local pub that we always went to. Things didn't work out, and we broke up. So who gets control of the bar? Should I be the gentleman and let her have it?
J. Liebling

Did you read that letter up above from the nurse who complained about "the decline of the American male", by any chance? What kind of pussy are you? Are you a doormat? Did you lose the bar in the divorce? Fuck the ex-girlfriend. If you want the bar, take the bar. You know she's not sitting around agonizing over whether or not she should 'give' you the bar, you dumbass. She's sitting with her girlfriends and they're telling her the same thing I'm telling you right now - take it. If you're any kind of man at all, you'll stand your ground and take what you want. And if you do, whether they admit it or not, her girlfriends will be impressed. Some of them may even sneak over to your place behind her back for a chance to be with a 'real man'. Because in case you hadn't heard, real men are increasingly rare in this Brave New Girlie World. Be a man. Take the bar. Unless it's one of those really shitty places, like TGIFriday's or something. There's no sense fighting over a shitty bar.


Dear Memphis:

My buddy started dating my long-term girlfriend's younger sister. It was great until he started cheating on her. Now I feel really guilty for not telling my girlfriend, but I don't want to sell out my bro. What do I do?
W. Torres

Mr. Torres,
I point you as well to the letter above in which the woman opined that there are no real men in the world anymore. What do you do? You do what a real man does. You say nothing to either of the girls about it. You take your 'buddy' aside, and inform him that he is not only fucking things up with your girlfriends' sister, but also fucking you over by putting you in such a lousy spot. Then you kick his ass and tell him to quit fucking around and either break up with your girlfriend's sister, or lose the other woman. Then you both keep this shit to yourselves or you'll be hearing about it for the rest of your life, or however long it is that you stay with your girlfriend, because women never forget this shit and somehow, some way, it's going to be all your fault.




For Kylie

Dear Memphis:

My parents divorced a few years ago. My brother and I, both adults, were saddened, and were even more dismayed when we learned that our father's affair had precipitated it—he had always been a strict and moral man. The woman with whom he had the affair seemed to be a gold digger. After my parents split, our father moved across the country to make a "fresh start," and the gold digger and her young children followed. For a while, he flew in a couple of times a year to visit us. Eventually he married the gold digger. We were not invited to his wedding, and he didn't tell us about it until later. Neither my brother nor I have ever met the gold digger. This Christmas, we sent him a gift, but neither I nor my children received anything from him. He did call on New Year's Day, and we had a pleasant conversation. I feel very hurt. Clearly, my father is choosing the gold digger over us and his grandchildren. I'm contemplating writing my father a letter (probably very similar to this one) to explain how his choice hurts and disappoints me, and inviting him to come spend some time with my family. Do you think writing the letter is a bad idea? Would it be better to seethe quietly and not make a fuss? Or simply to extend an invitation to visit us? Are there other options for improving our relationship, or is it time to just let him go? —Far Away and Forgotten Daughter

Dear Far Away,
Why do you assume she's a "gold digger"? Maybe she just has great tits. Did you ever think of that? Obviously your father left your mother for a reason and really great tits are about as popular of a reason as any, especially when the wife has stopped providing any sex in the marriage. I don't know your lonely father or your frigid mother or the woman with the great tits, obviously, but I do know divorces and their drama. It sounds like Tits has done what many women do after seducing a married man with children. She has hauled him as far away from his own family as possible and made damned sure he keeps away from all of you. This is partly instinctive, especially in women with their own children, so before you go telling me that I'm bashing women, I'd like to point you to my own Father-In-Law and his big tittied, blonde-haired second wife who did this exact same alienating the children shit to My Wife and her brother and sister. I wouldn't be surprised if your present never even reached him because Tits intercepted it, as she is probably going to do with all your attempts to communicate with him. Anyway, he's going to need time to realize what he's lost. This may take two or three years. But once he removes his face from her breasts and looks around, he's going to realize his own family is gone and he's going to miss you. He'll probably call you sounding sheepish and try to regain his relationship with you. You will always be his daughter and no matter how much sex Mrs. Tits gives your father, there is a place in his heart that will always and forever belong to you.


Dear Memphis:

I've been married to a wonderful man for five years. About a month ago, I walked in on him watching a pornographic video, and I'm pretty sure he has no idea that I saw what he was doing. Our sex life is usually incredible, but ever since this incident, I've felt very down. Every time we're intimate, I wonder if he's just thinking about the women in his videos, I'm feeling less attractive, I wonder what he's doing when I'm not around, I'm suspicious when he doesn't respond to my advances, and worst, I'm feeling less attracted to him. When he asks what's wrong, I don't know what to tell him. Should I talk to him about this to try to resolve my feelings, and if so, how? Or is this something that women just have to learn to live with?
—Talk or Deal

Dear Talk,
You seem to hint that he was doing "something" with himself while watching. So I'm assuming you didn't just go sit down and watch it with him for that reason. That's fine. I wouldn't have either. Yuck, sticky seats! But as for your worries about what he's thinking, it isn't something that you should let affect you so much. What he's thinking while he's watching the videos is likely to be the same thing that women think about when they watch them, which they do, baby. He's thinking about sex! And he's apparently either taking care of himself right then and there or else he's taking care of you. As for what he's thinking while he's with you, it's the same thing he's been thinking throughout your entire marriage (Jessica Alba naked - no, I'm kidding). Nothing has changed with him. What has changed is you. If you were shocked to find him watching porn at all, the best I can tell you is to get over it. Most men and women watch porn at some point or other, and many couples watch it together before having sex. It's been proven to help couples with their sex lives. Humans watching other humans having sex are stimulated to want sex, too. It's instinctive and unavoidable. So what I'd recommend you do is, tell you that you saw him watching a porn video, leaving out the part about wanking, and tell him that you wondered if he'd mind watching some with you. Then, and this is very important, WATCH THEM with him. And focus on what YOU'RE thinking about, which should be sex. And when you notice the juices flowing, reach over and grab his manhood and YOU do some wanking. I think the two of you can take it from that point without me.


Dear Memphis:

I am African, and I've found that a lot of times when people meet me, they ask the dumbest questions. (Do you live in trees? Do you have houses? etc., etc.) Now, I understand that people in the United States know next to nothing about Africa because of what they see (or don't see) in the mainstream media. My response used to be to explain, but lately, I've been taking the sarcastic route. For example, if someone says, "You speak really good English," I say, "Thank you, and so do you," or if someone asks if we live in trees, I answer enthusiastically, "Yes, and our tree is right next to the American embassy tree." But sadly, there are cases where this has gone right over the recipient's head. What is the proper way of dealing with ignorance without having to spend time explaining yet again, or coming across as having a chip on my shoulder?
—Tired of the Dumb Questions

Dear Tired,
I have to be honest with you, and this comes from my own experiences in dealing with arrogant assholes from the Northern States when they learn that I'm from Alabama, I do exactly the same thing that you're doing. I simply remember my all-time favorite smart-ass answers and use them as often as the need arises. For example, they often ask me things such as "do you live on a farm"? I answer, "Yes, I live on a marijuana farm and I constantly encounter stoned, naked, horny college girls trespassing on my property." They ask, "do you have indoor plumbing" and I answer, "no, the plumbling runs under the foundation of the house. Only the fixtures are indoors." They ask, "did you ever have sex with your cousin" and I answer, "no, I was too busy having sex with your sister." These types of answers are truly the only appropriate way to deal with morons. It has been this way since the beginning of time. Even in the Bible, in the book of Proverbs, there are verses advising the Jews on how to deal with idiots just like the ones you've described. One of the verses actually encourages the use of smart-ass answers to these people. So there you have it. God says give'em hell. And enjoy it.


Dear Memphis:

I met a great guy at a board-game party, and we really hit it off. There was a lot of one-on-one interaction, joking, and flirtation between the two of us. When he knew the answers, he'd whisper them to me, when I knew, I'd whisper them to him, our knees and arms were touching most of the night, and he even grasped my hand at one point. My two girlfriends even noticed, and after we'd left, they said that the flirtation was completely mutual. The guy came with us to the door when we left, and asked if I had any plans for the rest of the weekend. I said I didn't. I was sure he was going to ask for my number or suggest plans for later, but he didn't (granted, the window of time was not enormous as I headed out the door), and I'm really disappointed. I'm 26, so I've had my share of dating experiences, and I've concluded I generally like for the guy to take the initiative in the beginning. Is this misguided? I just think I've gotten better results when the guy takes the lead (or at least thinks he does!). Is there any way to still salvage this initial spark?
—Wishing for a "Closer"

Dear Wishing,
In a room filled with people, and especially with your friends standing right there, he probably didn't quite have the nerve to ask you out. Girls have a habit of traveling in packs, which makes it really hard for guys to get close to them and ask them out. Anyway, what's done is done. At this point, what matters is that you two clicked and you want more. He didn't ask at the door, so now you need to start tracking him down. Whether you get his number and call him, get his email and send him a message, or get his address and show up naked at his front door, it doesn't matter, just so long as you do something. You may prefer that the guy take the intiative, but in this case it didn't quite happen. Since you're still thinking about him, it looks like you need to provide him another opportunity to make that move. So hunt him down and jump him. If he doesn't make his move at that point, considering the heat that passed between you, then he's either gay or married.