Survey stolen from Saadia

1. Have you ever kissed someone 16 or older?
Yes, because kissing someone under 16 like that might get me arrested.

2. Have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with an A?
Yes, A hot chick I met at a bar who was drunk. A hot chick I met at a club who was dancing naked on the table. A hot chick passed out at a frat party when I was a pledge. A drunk, naked hot chick at a frat party who turned out to be my frat brother's little sister who was still in high school. See how that works? I should'a been A fuckin' lawyer.

3. Where is your cellular?
I left it in the backseat of the police car by accident.

4. What are you doing tomorrow?
Going to work and fade into the background while working my ass off, same as every damned day.

5. Why do these surveys always have at least one number missing?
Because most of the people doing this shit are 15 years old and high on Mom's cough syrup.

6. Ever eaten soap?
No, her name was Linda. And she only tasted like soap. Something was dead wrong with that girl.

7. Last person to tell you "I love you"?
Hermoine Granger, but she was just saying that to get into my pants.

8. Like anyone?
Yeah, I like a lot of people. You can't hate everyone.

9. What song are you listening to right now?
The song coming out of my butt. It sounds like Bbbbbbbbaaaaaaaach!

10. Is there a place you would like to visit?
Yes, Jessica Biel's Brazilian garden.

11. Have you ever fallen into a mud puddle?
No, but I have slipped and busted ass on concrete in the rain in front of half the people I knew at the time. They all seemed to enjoy it. I guess I should do that more often?

12. Do you like winter?
I don't even know her. Is she hot?

13. Does your screen name have numbers in it?
No, I'm not a big numbers kinda Memphis Steve.

14. Are you in a band?
A band of thieves.

15. Do you like parties?
As long as there's plenty of alcohol and naked women on the tables like at Michael Polites' 10th birthday party back when we were kids. Man, his mom really knew how to get down! She was hot.

16. What are you scared of?
Wind-up mice and robots with girls' names

17. How long have you had your blog for?
Since I was just a little Dutch girl.

18. If you could have sex with a celebrity, who would it be?
AJ Cook from "Criminal Minds". I want to make her crawl on all fours and bark like a dog while I ride her from behind.

19. If you could own a monkey, would you?
Sure, I'll take Mike Nesmith. He made more money than the other Monkees. Maybe he'll give me some and I can buy a new Mustang Cobra.

20. Do you own anything from American Eagle?
I believe I do. Yes indeed. Don't ask what it is, though. It was the reason I lost my cellphone in the back of the police car, but since they never found it I got off free and clear.

21. Do you listen to rap?
Only the rap of the faucet dripping in the sink while I'm trying to sleep in my cell.

22. Do you listen to country?
Sometimes, when the rock stations won't shut up and play some music.

23. Favorite Disney movie?
Disney is a bunch of misandric pedophiles who should all be shot. It makes about as much sense to trust your kids with Michael Jackson as with Disney.

24. Is your room clean?
Oh hell no. There are boxes of shit everywhere. I'm supposed to be unpacking right now, but of course I'm doing this instead.

25. Do you have any best friends?
I used to, but then I moved to Memphis.

26. Do you have any siblings?
Many, many siblings. Dad used to ride a Harley, so apparently I have siblings all across the country.

27. Do you get along with them?
I don't get anything with them. I'm in Memphis. They are not.

28. Do you regret anything?
Everything. I need a do-over. Unfortunately God doesn't give those.

29. What are you excited about?
Jessica Biel is coming to Memphis to make a movie and get naked.

30. Are you an artist?
I used to be. Now I just blog all over the internet for no particular reason.

31. Do you have an addiction?
Yes, Peanut M&Ms. I nearly got busted making a buy in the ghetto the other night.

32. Favorite swear word?
Bajingo

33. What did you do today?
Went to work. Gonna go to the gym at lunch if I don't wimp out. Then back to work. Then home. My life is one big adventure.

34. Are you enjoying life?
Not currently. I think mostly life is enjoying me.

35. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Not counting my pillowy figure, 1

36. Do you have sex dreams about celebrities?
No, they have sex dreams about me. Avril Lavigne emails me all the time to tell me about her latest wet dream involving me. She's freaky.

37. Do you like hugs or kisses?
It depends on who is doing it and how. There's nothing like a good boob-hug, but a kiss from the right mouth is good, too. Shannon Elizabeth would be the ultimate combination of both.

38. Is the glass half empty or half full?
It's half filled with air. And so is the other half.

39. Do you hate anybody?
Yes, and they deserve it, too.

40. Are you happy right now?
No, I'm Memphis.

41. Plans for Saturday?
That was two days ago.

42. What's on your mind right now?
Was Tony Romo drunk or just spazzing last night? How could anyone blow a game plan that was working as well as that? My God, what was he smoking? Just get the fucking first down instead of throwing wounded ducks to the end zone every play.

43. How big is too big?
Pamela Anderson is too big. Queen Latifah's ego is too big. Jessica Biel is about right.

44. Been embarrassed in public?
My entire life is one giant public embarrassment.

45. Miss someone?
Yes, but if I practice my aim I might not miss next time.

46. Have you been in trouble with the cops?
I will be after I break into their car to steal my cell phone back.

47. Where were you born?
In my momma's bajingo.

49. Are you confused about anything right now?
Yes, the Chaos Theory is throwing me for a loop.

50. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
Yes, I cried tears of blood. Fat lot of good it did. She left me anyway.