Celebrity Gossip programming has been a part of our living rooms since the advent of broadcast television. The American people cannot seem to satisfy their insatiable appetite for the mundane morsels of celebrity culture that are doled out affectionately by man-tanned heroes and bombshell blondes across the network landscape. It is part of who we are. But is not part of who Fundamentalist Muslim Jihadi's are. They feel quite threatened by Western indulgences like Celebrity Gossip, Rock ‘n’ Roll, Drugs, Homosexuality, and Game Shows which encourage people to compete with each other to make a quick buck.
In this time of turmoil surrounding the alleged abuse at Abu Ghraib, the United States Government is seeking new ways of breaking detainees being questioned about involvement in nefarious activities. And Billy Underwood-Kipling, new media executive for Philadelphia based Amphibian Pants Productions just might have the answer.
“If you can coerce these individuals to involve themselves in the new media experience, such as setting up a twitter account and making them race to see who can get the first million followers, you may be able to break them sooner than you think,” explained Kipling-Underwood. “Assigning a youtube guide and handler to them will also be quite effective. This handler would show them various clips of flamboyant, ambiguously gay males cavorting about within the framework of various TV sitcoms, such as Monroe in Too close For Comfort, and Skippy Handleman in Family Ties, and Anthony Furtado in Celebrity Rehab.”
Kipling-Underwood firmly believes that immersing these individuals in our daily activities will be enough to make them talk…that is if they have anything to talk about.
CIA Officials are currently petitioning the UN to fully sanction this behavior within the interrogation process. There is much debate concerning whether it may actually be considered, cultural-cleansing. The extreme xenophobia that exists within some cultures is propelling this cultural-cleansing argument to the forefront.
“We shouldn’t have to join twitter, even if we do do something wrong. It is against our core beliefs as children of God,” said Mohammed Al Akbar, self-proclaimed angry Muslim, and supporter of the global jihad. “I’ll take waterboarding any day.”
It is still unclear as to what the outcome will be, but UN Officials say we are nearing a resolution.
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