Out Of The Office

"I will be out of the office from Friday Sept 19th to Monday Oct 2. If you have an emergency I have dumped all of my responsibilities on Memphis Steve. He can be reached at 1-205-883-1052.

thanks,
Bob"


Oh how I hate these fucking "out of the office" emails! Not only do they needlessly distract me from my work (facebook), but they also remind me that someone else has left to go on some fucking vacation to a beach somewhere and I'm not getting to go with them.

It's not that I'm jealous. It's more that I'm selfish. If I could, I'd make them stay here and I'd go in their place. I think mere jealousy would mean that I simply went along, too. Fuck that. Gimme your tickets that you paid for and the keys to your condo, biatch. Got a rental car? I'll be needing that.

I hate how the message pops up on my screen just long enough to piss me off before it fades away like a ghost. I don't even get the satisfaction of slamming it closed with the mouse pointer or anything. What I'd really like is to throw it in the trash and listen to the sound effect that I added for my trash - "SCRUNCH! EEEEEEEEEEEK!"

I love customizing the sounds on my computers. Everything is a bang or a scream or a fart or an explosion. No one ever wants to work with me for long because my computer is so offensive. And that's the way I like it. When there's a computer error, I don't get one of those "Ka-Donk" sounds like everyone else. Oh hell no. My computer screams "DIE, YOU FUCKING SOULESS BITCH FROM HELL!" Yeah, I got that from some movie. I can't even remember who it was who said it, but it makes a computer error so much more fun for me.

There used to be a time when every computer geek in the world customized all his computer sounds. And I do mean 'his' because there were no female computer geeks and if there were any I didn't know about I know they didn't have cool sounds like I do 'cause girl geeks aren't as cool as boy geeks.

I nearly choked on that statement as I wrote it. OK, 'cool' and 'computer geek' doesn't exactly go together. Still, I enjoyed the fantasy and my pleasure is all that matters. Eat me!

Oh, that's another thing my computer shouts at inappropriate times. "EAT ME, YOU SHITTERS!" Again, I can't remember where I got that one, but it's awesome every single time. It's set for one of those rare errors that you never see coming, so I don't hear it all that often. Oh, but when I do it's a treasure.

Even better than getting to enjoy my own fabulous geeky masterpiece is hearing about other people having been in my office doing things with my computer while I was away which they had no business doing, only to be thoroughly offended and embarrassed by the foul little electronic bastard.

"I was just checking my email during a break in a training class - I didn't think he'd mind - when the machine started screaming obscenities and farting. And other people standing in the hallway outside thought it was MEEEEEEEEE!" *sob*

Yeah, fuck you for getting onto my computer without my permission anyway. Sure, I realize that technically the computer belongs to the company and isn't mine, but technically the chair at your desk isn't yours either. I'll bet you'd just love it if I went into your office and swapped your favorite little ass-hugger with some wobbly piece of shit from a conference room, wouldn't you? Yeah, suddenly that is YOUR chair and you want it back. Well too bad, 'cause you don't know where it is now, do you? BWA HA HA HAAAAA!

Oh sorry, I went a little off topic there for a minute while I remembered .. er ... imagined doing horrible mean things to people that I would never actually do because I'm so nice.

Anyway, my phone is winking at me like a drunk whore in a bar. I apparently have a phone message. It's been winking all day, but having lived in Memphis for over 10 years I've grown accustomed to ignoring the winking hookers on Airways Boulevard and Brooks Road, not that I have any idea where anyone would go to find hookers or anything (used car dealer about mid-way down Brooks is their pimp if you can't find them and need to call one on her cell phone for 'emergency service'.)

I think the phone message is actually from me, some reminder of something I didn't want myself to forget. That's probably why I've gone the entire day without listening to it. I do that sometimes, resist myself just to piss myself off. Ooh, it makes me so angry!

So anyway, I've spent my whole day waiting on somone who requested something from me "RIGHT NOW" to respond to my email concerning their issue. They waited until 5 pm to tell me that they'd get around to it later. So I guess 'right now' meant 'later on tomorrow' and I just misunderstood. That's awesome, that's what that is. I've been busting ass for over a week on this and it turns out it isn't really all that important to them after all.

Now I'm going to walk down to the parking lot, climb into my big-assed 4-wheel-drive truck and be a total dick to people in rush hour traffic.

'Cause that's how I roll!