Michelle's Meme

A meme I have shamelessly stolen from the beautiful Michelle.


Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
The Blog, after it deleted my last comment on Michelle's blog and made me write a new one. Man, that pissed me off.


What kind of car do you drive?
What day of the week is it? I have 5, plus my wife's car, and 2 motorcycles.


Have you ever had a garage sale?
Yes, not only did I sell my garage, but the house that went with it, too.


What color is your iPod?
I bought a green one for My Wife, but I don't have one myself. She never asked for one. I just thought she'd like it. And now I can't get it away from her because she likes it so much.


What kind of dog do you have?
I have a dog that meows, climbs trees, and poops in a litterbox. Some folks call him a cat.


What's for dinner tonight?
What is this, Hee Haw? I remember that show. Hey, remember Barbi Benton? Man, that girl was hot!



What is the last drink you drank?
Ice cold well water. Speaking of wells, our pump seems to have a leak somewhere. The cats appreciate it though. It gives them a constant supply of fresh water. Dammit.


Last time you were sick?
Earlier today, as I was reading Barak Obama's pastor's response to criticism of his racism. What an unrepentent dirtbag.


How long is your hair?
Just long enough for My Wife to tell me she wishes I'd get a haircut.


Are you happy right now?
No, I'm the prince who saves Snow White from Happy and the other dwarves.


What did you say last?
I wish you hadn't ask me this. The last words I have spoken tonight were when I shouted "goddammit" when The Blog deleted my comments on Michelle's page. Yes, I know, but it just slipped out.


Do you drink beer?
I'm Baptist. I drink YOUR beer when no other Baptists are around to see me.


Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
In my family being adopted would have been preferable. No, they used to tell me that if they pushed my bellybutton my legs would fall off. My oldest sister to this day says I was a smart kid because I never fell for it. I figure I saw them do it to my older brother and noticed that his legs never came off. I mean really, how dumb did they think I was?


What is your favorite key chain on your keys?
I've got a Chevelle SS454 keychain I'm fond of. I've got another made of solid brass that just says 'Chevrolet' on it. And of course, most of the time when you see me in traffic I'm driving either a Nissan or a Ford. I keep my classic Chevies in the garage.


What is in your pocket?
Twig and berries are all I have on me at the moment - no pockets, I'm dressed for bed. No underwear, either.


Who is the last person you had a phone conversation with?
CIO of a company that has apparently been pursuing me for over a year. I had no idea they ever had an interest, so they must not pursue very hard or something.


What DVD is in your DVD player?
101 Dalmations, Debbie Does Dallas, B Movie .... I think that's all. It's a carousel so it holds 6, but I think there's only 3 in it right now.


What's something fun you did today?
Ate really unhealthy. Hey, it was My Wife's idea. She was in the mood for chocolate fried pie with ice cream and I didn't feel like fighting her on it.


What do you think of when you hear the word "meow"?
Someone is apparently out of catfood, in search of a lap, wants to go outside, or is simply lonely somewhere in the house and just decided to sit down and start crying about it.


What are you listening to right now?
My ass whistling a merry tune.


What have you had to drink so far today?
Water and milk. Nothing more exciting than that. Sorry to blow my wild party animal image and all. I do have plenty of Schiner Bock and wine coolers in the fridge. You want something?


When is your birthday?
On the same day that I was born, every year.


What's the area code for your cell phone?
901


Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now?
It was a gift from my sister-in-law from the nearest Harley store. We think from the size of it that she originally bought it for her husband, a rather large and obese man, but gave it to me for Christmas by accident. I wear it as a sleep shirt because it's nice, but much too big for anything else.


Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror?
Wild monkeys, usually. Those bastards are always breaking into my truck and stealing my CDs.


What are you going to do after this?
Go to bed and dream about how much better my life would be if I were someone else, preferably someone who gets to have sex with Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba at the same time.


What is something you need to go shopping for?
Condoms, milk, and a new starter for the Chevelle.


Do you like pickles?
I like Kelly Pickler. I'd eat her with fries and a Coke.


How about olives?
I'm not into cartoon women. I mean, I'll admit that Jessica Rabbit was hot, but I'd be afraid I'd accidently erase her or something. Olive would just split right up the middle like firewood hit with a wedge.


What is your favorite kind of gum?
Ruger 9 mm mostly. Oh wait, you said gum. Sorry. I like Bubbalicious.


Do you have any tan lines?
Not so much tan as burn lines at the moment. I'm fried and covered in Aloe Vera lotion


Do you remember the name of your kindergarten teacher?
Mrs. Adair. She was a blonde hottie. I was only 4, but I knew what I liked even back then. She was hot.


When you're at the grocery store do you use the self checkout?
No, I take all my groceries to the pharmacist. She's a righteous hottie and she always grins at me whenever I buy condoms.


Has anyone ever sang to you?
My cats do it all the time.


Has anyone ever given you roses?
Guns'n'Roses once, on CD, but never just roses.


If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
I don't know if I would or not, but I'd sure as hell kill the person trying to abandon me there before they could get away. Then I'd search their dead body for a cell phone.


What is your favorite color?
I mostly prefer white girls, although I have experienced a few darker colors in the past and had no complaints about them at all. Well OK, I have one complaint related to Korean girls being somewhat crazy, but other than that, no complaints.


What color are your eyes?
Brown and bloodshot


What is a compliment you receive way too often?
Sometimes I get tired of being told that I'm way too good in bed. Yeah, spread that around, would you? I just thought that shit up.


How tall are you?
Last time I was measured I was 6 feet even, but that was way back and I'm pretty tired these days.


Who was the last person to say they loved you and when?
Kelly Preston, famous movie hottie and wife of John Travolta, but that may have been a dream. I fell asleep while watching "Medium" and woke up with a huge erection and a strong desire to watch some dirty '80s movies.



Do you like your parents?
I don't know how to answer this. My dad is dead and my mom is a bit wacky.


Where is the furthest place you've traveled?
One of the Caribbean islands or perhaps Ontario, Canada. I didn't measure which was further.


Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep?
I prefer to sleep. I can ignore hunger and it'll go away eventually, but tired will jump you from behind if you're not careful.


Do you look more like your mom or your dad?
I look eerily similiar to my dad, or so I've been told by every freakin' person in his hometown in Texas.


How long does it take you to shower?
I can shower in 5 minutes, but if I've been dreaming about Kelly Preston or Jessica Biel it may take a lot longer.


Can you do splits?
When I was actively taking tae kwan do I could come close, but now I don't even want to think about it.


Can you use the grill?
I can grill a mean burger. Would you like to try my meat?


Are you flexible?
I was never overly bendy, even when I ran track and stretched out every day. These days I'm stiffer than a wooden dick.


What movie do you want to see?
I had high hopes for "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", but the ads have actually started to convince me that it doesn't look all that funny. Worse, Kristen Bell doesn't get naked at all in the movie. The guy does - Yuck! So, "Iron Man" is moving up on my list of movies I might be curious about.


How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
I woke up so many times. I don't know what the total was by morning, but it wasn't enough.


Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
I've always worn it, and I've always said that it's not the government's place to tell us we have to. If this is what our cops are doing then clearly we don't have a crime problem and don't need so many cops. And also, we have a government that thinks 18 is old enough to vote and run a nuclear submarine, but not old enough to make basic decisions about our own daily lives. Think about that for a minute.


Are you scared of flying?
No, not flying - falling and hitting the ground, but not flying. I've never thought of it as being any different than riding a big bus. Then again, we have had some major bus crashes here in Memphis so perhaps that isn't the best way to look at it.


What do you sleep in?
My bed. Duh.


Do you have any tattoos?
I have Shannon Elizabeth's phone number tattooed on my penis. I hope to God she never changes her number.


Have you ever been to Los Angeles?
No, actually I haven't. I haven't been to California at all. I've been to Kings and Queens, but I've never been to me. Oh how I hate that song.


What jewelry do you wear all the time?
Just my family jewels.


What is your favorite song at the moment?
I don't have one at the moment, but if Faith Hill or Shania Twain were to come to my bed and sing to me, whatever they sang would be my favorite song.



What song do you HATE?
The theme song to "That '70s Show" is pretty damned obnoxious.


Do you like chocolate?
I told you, I've been with all different color girls and they were all pretty good to me.


Are you easy to get along with?
I'm so easy that narcissists and sociopaths seek me out just to see how much they can get away with before I stick a knife in them.

Miley Cyrus and those Scandalous Pics

Miley Cyrus' MySpace Scandal
Miley Cyrus is all over every news site I've visited this week. Apparently she took some photos of herself and posted them to her private MySpace account. But MySpace being MySpace, it got hacked immediately and the photos were copied and spread all over the internet.

All the news sites are reporting how 'shocking' these photos are and how disturbing it is because 'young girls look up to Miley' and yet this is how she behaves.

So, I saw the photos and all I have to say is this:

What is the big damn deal?

These are photos of a typical 15-year-old girl acting like a typical 15-year-old girl. How is anything about any of this shocking in the least?

And when did the antiChrist, anti-religion, anti-male, feminist media suddenly get so incredibly prudish and holier-than-thou about something like this? Isn't this the same media that attacked the FCC and George Bush when a television network was fined for Janet Jackson's decision to bare her big plastic breast? They said it was ridiculous and typical of 'evangelicals' and 'puritans'. So who's the ridiculous one now?

Anyone who has a blog can't escape seeing various random photos of females of all ages posing with their arm extended, camera in hand, and their clothes either half or fully off. These photos are all over the place.


Underwear and Hello Kitty!
I grew up a Southern Baptist in Alabama, with everything that goes with that. I've seen the Miley Cyrus photos. I'm supposed to be the big bad Religious Right compared to the feminists who run our media. And yet I can't see what the big fucking deal is with these photos. The girl is wearing clothes. She's not even topless.

Oh, but Vanity Fair's famous lesbian photographer, Annie Leibovitz, took some photos of Miley where she appears to be topless, although you can't see her breasts at all. Oh goodness, the scandal! Not for Annie, because you know you can't criticize a lesbian woman for anything no matter what she does. But for Miley and her parents. What were they thinking?!

Yawn.


Miley's Vanity Fair Scandal
Let's face facts here. Miley isn't showing anything at all. It's not even as exciting as Vanessa Hudgens' fully nude self-portrait.


Disney Darling Vanessa Hudgens' Full Monty
And in Vanessa's case, everyone said "oh, she's 18 so it doesn't matter." Yeah, she's 18 so you can fuck her. But if she were 17 and you got caught with her photo, by God, you'd be a child pornographer and sent off to prison as a registered sex offender, you son-of-a-bitch.

Still, the media is all panty-wadded over Miley and her bra and Miley and her sheet. It doesn't even qualify as porn, none of it. In fact, neither Miley's photos or Vanessa's photos qualify as porn. No one is performing a sex act on anyone else. It's just a girl alone with a camera.


Girls not alone
When I was a kid, I remember how the Europeans used to say that America was all fucked up because we rated nudity as pornographic and harmful to society, especially to children. We have a shit fit over a bare breast, which the rest of the world considers to be nothing of consequence.


A French Breast
They argued that we were crazy because we considered violence and even sexual violence to be highly entertaining and of no consequence whatever. My parents, and especially my feminist mother, used to say that those people who argued for this view were idiots and perverts. I used to agree. But I was young. What did I know?

Now that I'm a grown man and I've seen for myself the consequence of a lifetime of encouraging sexual violence while having constant hissy fits over bare tits, I have completely changed my mind.


Sexual Violence
Depictions of graphic sexual violence (always against males) are everywhere in America. You don't have to go searching the internet to find them. They're in your local paper, included alongside an ad for your nearest tae kwan do class. They're on posters hanging in the gym. They're in magazines in the grocery store. They're shown to children in elementary school who are then encouraged to do this to any man or boy who bothers them. And by God, they are all over the TV and in the movies every single day on every single channel, including the so-called 'family' channels. American society is more vicious and sexually violent today than ever before in history. But of course we are. We teach it and encourage it.

And yet we're all flustered and constipated about Miley Cyrus taking photos of herself in her underwear and posting it in her private account on MySpace. If she posted a photo of herself kicking her father in the testicles that would be fine. Lord knows when Kim Kardashian's little sister kicked her step brother in the testicles just to be a brat on "Keeping Up With The Kardashians", we all saw that in ads for the show over and over and over again.

Sexual violence doesn't hurt anyone, right? I mean, just so long as the victim is male. After all, the American media's favorite saying is "well behaved women rarely make history." The more violent and sexually abusive a woman is to a man, the more she's celebrated for being 'empowered'. But let her show the slightest hint that she might be a normal 15-year-old girl who just wants to be sexy and we have a giant shit fit.

Miley Cyrus' photos of herself are nothing to get excited about. By Disney's twisted double-standards these photos are tame in the extreme. Anyone who has a daughter that looks up to Miley and her Hannah Montana character has nothing at all to worry about. Any child that can be associated with the Walt Disney Corporation and come away from it no more perverted than this has done extraordinarily well.

It's not Miley Cyrus we need to be concerned about. It's the perverts who run our media.

Things I Have Learned (That Do Me No Good Whatever)

A thousand tears may stain your face, but they do you not one bit of good.

Movie people all dress the same. You can spot them from across the parking lot at film festivals.

Everyone wants to be a star. No one wants to be the doorman.

The most dangerous man is the man who has lost everything.

Many people have great music in their heads. It's the getting it out so others can enjoy it that is the real trick.

I feel certain that if the Founding Fathers of the American Revolution could see their nation today they'd say "we risked our lives for that? No fucking way!"

I have the most generic face in the world. Everyone thinks they know me from places I've never been and things I've never done.

Hot women know they're hot, but when you see them out in public and they have that air of "I'm too hot for you" they become less hot. Or maybe I'm just bored with them?

The difference between an actor and a film maker is that actors stand around a lot trying to look cool. Film makers move around, with lots of activity, and don't really care if you notice them or not. They're doers, not posers.

The power flashing on and off, on and off, on and off, is far more annoying than when it just goes off and stays off until it's ready to come on again once and for all.

Nobody breaks up anymore. They just drop you from their friends on Facebook. How do parents these days handle a crying teenage daughter who says "Daddy, he dropped me on Faaaaacebook"??

Are microwave ovens technically really ovens? I mean, could you cook a roast in there?

I did a pathetic little workout the other day. Now my arms hurt like they're broken or something. How did I get to be such a girlieman?

Kroger grocery store has printed on my last receipt that I have 186 points for the month of March, but nothing as to what the hell that means or how I might find out. WTF?

The phone will always ring when you're home alone, pants around your ankles, on the toilet. Always.

People are calling my house, wanting to talk to Bertha. I tell them they have the wrong number. Then they yell at me, insisting that they most certainly do not have the wrong number and they know this for a fact because Bertha gave it to them herself. If I ever find out what Bertha's number is I'm going to call her at 2 am for a chat.

I'm thinking about grad school again. If I do go back, I'm going to make it a point to stop by the computer science department and shout into the classrooms, "hey you idiots, you're busting your asses for nothing! Go change your majors to finance so you can make big money with very little effort."

The end is near. It's not you, it's me.

Return to Texas 4/26/08

Tomorrow morning, Sunday, 4/26/08, I depart Tucson for the ride back home to Texas. I had a great time here. Unfortunately, I ran out of time & money,(money actually) and did not get to Encino, Needles or Phoenix..But like MacArthur said: I shall return..I will get pics on the blog starting Tuesday....Till then, I'll be careful & will keep the rubber on the road...Ya'll do the same...see ya in 940 miles..................John

Penis Theft Crime Wave!

According to the internet news, which of course must be true because internet news is not allowed to lie, there is a mass crime wave of penis thefts in The Congo. Apparently 13 or so people have been hanged for using black magic to steal men's penises.

Here in America this 'black magic' is called African-American magic to be more politically correct.

Anyway, I saw this news story and it occurred to me that these men whose penises were stolen must be single. I know this because were they married, like me, they wouldn't have even noticed the theft for weeks, possibly even months.

It's true. Married men, on average, get so little use out of their penises that they could be stolen by witch doctors in The Congo and the men wouldn't even care. I know I'd never notice. I'd just be standing there in front of the toilet, half asleep and peeing all over myself and the floor, without a care in the world.

"Huh, I could'a sworn I had a penis there just the other day," I'd think to myself, before stumbling back to bed. "Ah well, probably misplaced it or something. It'll turn up."

The next day, My Lovely Wife would inform me that I had peed on the floor and didn't clean it up. But this wouldn't be anything new. I mean, hell, don't all men pee on the floor in front of the toilet without even realizing we're doing it? Sure we do. It's one of God's many practical jokes he plays on us as we get older. It's a holy riot. If you listen closely while standing there peeing and dribbling all over the floor, you can almost hear the legions of angels laughing.

Another thing that occurred to me while reading this news story of penis thefts over in The Congo is how different everything would be if it were happening here in the United States.

First of all, no one would be punished for it. The National Organization for Women would be on CNN talking about how the thefts are empowering to women and should be funded by the federal government with a new branch of the Department of Justice created just for the purpose of stealing more penises. Senator Joseph Biden would sponsor a bill creating this new branch, making a big speech praising penis thefts and claiming that he wished someone would steal his penis so he wouldn't ever be tempted to pee standing up again - because as everyone knows, men peeing standing up is somehow degrading to women and shit. Hillary Clinton would dodge this news story like the plague because it would threaten to derail her campaign against Obama. NBC would air a prime time home video show featuring one full hour of video clips of boys being virtually castrated in horrible accidents. And CBS would instruct their script writers to include penis theft bandits in every show, blaming white males for the whole thing while simultaneously portraying women as sympathetic victims.

Finally, whomever was arrested for it would declare themselves to be "the real victim". They would get a dream team of criminal attorneys for free, paid for by billionaire Nazi George Soros. They would be invited to appear on Oprah. Hearst Publishing would immediately sign them to a book deal. The Lifetime Network would do a movie starring Sally Field in which we would be shown how they lived a hard life and were abused, but somehow remained very lovable all the while. And finally, predictably, they would be acquitted.

Too bad those dudes in The Congo aren't civilized and progressive like we are here in the United States. They're hanging these fuckers without so much as a televised trial or anything. The real irony is that the people they're executing over there probably didn't do anything, whereas here in the United States when someone does something like this for real, if it's a woman and we have her caught red handed we don't do jack shit to her. We let her ass go. Ain't it funny how it always works that way? And if it were a man, because usually when a man commits a sexual crime like this against another man or a boy it turns out that he's gay, the media would hush it up, and the courts would give him a light sentence. But then someone would shank the fucker while he was in prison and he'd die face down in a toilet. So it's all good.

Anyway, I don't plan to do any vacationing in the Congo any time soon. And if I do go, I'm probably gonna leave my penis here, just in case.

Deep Thoughts and Stupid Shit

Love
Tyler Perry/Madea said it best....

"If somebody wanna walk out of your life, let them go. Especially if you know you done did everything you could do. You done sat around been the best man or best woman you could be and they still wanna go, LET THEM GO. Whatever they running after they'll see what they had in a minute, but by then it's gonna be too late. Cause half these people be sitting around crying about it, worrying about it 2, 3 years from now you ain't gonna remember their name. How many times you done seen folks somewhere you be like, 'What the hell was I THINKING?!?!?! What was wrong with ME!?!?!? I musta been lonely as hell to hook up with you!!!!!' LET FOLKS GO!!! Some people come in your life for a lifetime, some come for a season, you got to know which is which. You gonna always mess up when you mix them seasonal people with lifetime expectations. People have to learn how to be by themselves some. People have to learn how to be alone. I don't understand all these people, 'Oh I need somebody.' 'Lord where is my man/woman?' That is crazy! If you don't know how to be by yourself, what you gonna do with somebody else? Stop praying about it! Shut up and WAIT! Go work on you. That's what that time is for, to get yourself together. I'd rather be in a corner with a puppy and a goldfish, and be happy. Than to be sit around my house with somebody wondering that the hell they there for. You would be surprised what people will put up with to have somebody there just to tell them that they love them. I don't understand it. I can't live in dysfunction. I done come through too much, gone through too much hell and high water to come there and let you come up in my adult life when I'm suppose to be at peace and give me all kinda hell. Only two places on this earth you gonna have peace, the grave and your house."



Pathetic
How pathetic have I become? Today I was excited to see the UPS man arrive because I knew he had my replacement wheel for my Snapper riding mower. My grass is in serious need of a cutting and I can't find a replacement wheel and tire anywhere in Memphis. I had to resort to fighting a desperate Ebay battle for these damn wheels and tires. And you know what? Some motherfucker actually outbid me the first time. Who the hell else in this world needs a new Snapper front wheel besides me? Anyway, I didn't have time for that shit, so the next time I just used the "Buy it now" option that one guy offered and grabbed my damn wheel. Even then it took 5 days to get here. The UPS guy asked me what the wheels were for. I told him it was for my Snapper riding mower. He said "my dad left me one of those when he died. I used it about 3 times and then chunked it." Yeah, even the UPS guy has more class than to ride a Snapper. But not me.

When did I become the guy whose most exciting event in life is the arrival of new wheels for his lawn mower? How did this happen? Should I start wearing khaki pants and a light blue shirt with a sweatervest or some shit like that? Maybe I should get me a pair of glasses to complete my fall into this abyss. I should trade in my musclecar and buy me a Volvo.



Politics
All the mainstream news outlets in the United States are in a hissy, battling amongst themselves over the ongoing Democommunist Party clash between female-supremacist radical, Hillary Clinton, and black-supremacist radical-come-lately, Barack Obama. Meanwhile, in the Reallyoutoftouchwithvoters Party, namby-pamby fence-rider, John McCain, has locked up the nomination and is enjoying a soon-to-violently-end period of peace and quiet while the press and Commucrats completely ignore him, much like the rest of America. The upcoming November Presidential election promises to be one of the least satisfying of all time, with roughly 65 percent of Americans saying they're only going to bother voting because the 'other' candidate is absolutely horrible, and they wish their party had offered up a leader instead of a cartoon.

Republican voters say they see little if any difference between Democrats Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. 35 percent of Republicans said they think Hillary probably has a bigger dick than Obama, but she's also slightly crazier than he is, more of a 'hater', and will sell our entire military with all its' secrets to China or Russia the first chance she gets.

Democratic voters said they don't know how John McCain even got into the Republican Party in the first place because he seems so much like one of them. A majority of Republicans agreed with them, in what may be the largest mutual agreement between Democrats and Republicans since the United States declared war on Germany and Japan in 1941.



Danica Patrick
The news media has been harassing racecar driver Danica Patrick for crying after winning a major race. I went to research this story so I could comment on why men like her and the media does not, but I stumbled across bikini photos of her from Sports Illustrated and got distracted.



Dooce
When blogger Heather Armstrong, aka Dooce, got fired over her blog, the term "Dooced" came to mean losing your job for blogging. But according to the Wall Street Journal, Mrs Armstrong is estimated to be making roughly $40,000 per month in ad revenue from her blog. With this in mind, it seems that to be "Dooced" is no longer a bad thing. I could use a little Dooce in my life. I suppose to be "Memphised" must mean to make absolutely nothing for your blog even though it is sucking your life away.



It's Good for You!

Australia researchers claim to have done research on male masturbation (they got paid for this shit!) and concluded that it is actually good for you! Seriously. I'm not making this up. Read it for yourself, Smartypants!

"Frequent masturbation may help men cut their risk of contracting prostate cancer, Australian researchers have found. It is believed that carcinogens may build up in the prostate if men do not ejaculate regularly, BBC News reported on Wednesday. The researchers surveyed more than 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer, and 1,250 men who had not. They found that men who had ejaculated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to get cancer. Men who ejaculated more than five times each week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer."

Tagged for a 6 Word Meme

OK, I was just tagged to do a meme by a lovely Australian girl. And you guys all know how I love Australian girls, right? I mean, unless you just got here you must have noticed that I have an obession with Australia and, as a direct result of all of my attention on Australia, I have noticed that there is a plethora of incredibly beautiful women there, many of whom blog, and one of whom promised to marry me even if only so I could obtain citizenship and get a job more easily. Still, I know I picked the best Aussie girl to marry, and you all do, too, 'cause you're jealous of me for having suckered, I mean, convinced her into this agreement. Ah, but that has nothing to do with this meme. I was tagged by Jenn, another lovely Australian girl, albeit not the one who promised to marry me. Still, she's very nice and so I'm doing this meme she asked for.


Ok, here's the rules

1) Write your own six word memoir;
2) Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like;
3) Link to the person that tagged you in your post, and to the original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere;
4) Tag at least five more blogs with links; and
5) Don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

Here we go:

Today I ran. Now I hurt.



I'm tagging Stacy the Peanut Queen, Dixie, Shrinking Kitty (a red hot Aussie girl), Kiki (another fabulous Australian person), Patti, and Emma.

There you have it. Deep and insightful things from my life as of today.

Greetings From Sunny Tucson Arizona 4/15/08

On Saturday, 4/12/08 ,at 0400 hrs I left Wichita Falls Texas for a non-stop m/c ride to Tucson Arizona. I have to say this now to all of my friends that thought that the old man couldn't do it or shouldn't try to do it all in one day: I appreciate your concern for my well being. I apologize that I said it would not bother my butt. Between El Paso & Las Cruces N.M., it bothered my butt..REALLY became a concern as to,whether my butt would stay attached to my body..I wiggled, shifted in the seat, and stood up on the foot boards..No relief.. So, I had to stop 3 times to walk around and get things back to feeling natural. Other than that, the ride here was great & a piece of cake..No problems with any traffic..Everyone was friendly. Anyway, the planned 13 hr trip turned out to be an 18 hr non stop trip as I arrived at Bill & Jackie's at 2200 hr Saturday night.
Bill's computer does not have the 3x5 floppy port so I can't upload any pics but I will when I return back home around the 1st of May..Everything here is spectacular & to coin a phrase from McDonald's: I be lovin' it!!! So if I can keep from walking into cacti in the desert, I will get some great pics...Till my return to the homeland, ya'll be safe & keep the rubber on the road...........John

Women and Those Complicated Toilet Seats

PUI
I believe every man who has ever been involved with a woman in any capacity has learned, often by the woman screaming at the top of her lungs, that women are incapable of working the common toilet seat*.

No one knows exactly why this is. We know only that all research results have been sealed and locked away by the Female Supremacist branch of the Department of Justice and that not even the President himself can get access to them.

Anyway, any man who has ever lived in the same house with a woman knows that women can't work toilet seats. Not only can they not work them, but they can't even look at them. As a result, women have been alleged to have drowned as they were sucked down by evil patriarchal toilets after they fell into them because they refused to look and see if the seat was up or not before sitting down.

This is old news. Nothing to report here. But I have discovered something new, something revolutionary, something that will absolutely blow your mind.

Not only can women not work toilet seats, but they can't work the lid either!

I shit you not. Just the other night, at 2 a.m., my loving wife got up and stumbled into the bathroom in a near coma. The seat was of course down, as I am a law-abiding drone and have utterly given up hope of resisting the government-funded Matriachy and its' fascist regime. But, alas, the toilet lid was down, too.

My wife, a reasonably intelligent but very sleepy woman, did not even notice the toilet lid being down as she sat her semi-concious butt onto the toilet and proceded to pee a sparkling golden river.

Once done, she wiped her cooter, and everything else back there in cooterland, apparently not thinking it odd that she was so much wetter than normal. She then threw the wet toilet paper onto the toilet lid and flushed. Satisfied, she stumbled back to bed.

The next morning I found a virtual toxic wasteland in our bathroom. The seat and lid were down, but soaking wet and decorated with clumps of pee-stained toilet paper. To complete the atmosphere, there was pee all around the toilet on the floor where it had spilled over. My wife, a morning person who sleeps like a rock until the instant the sun comes up, had no memory whatever of what had occured. It was as if a burglar had broken in, peed on our toilet, and then left, locking the door behind them.

After some hypnosis and some deep questioning, my wife developed vague memories of waking up and peeing that very night. "I thought it felt kinda funny, but I was too tired to care," she confessed.

So there you have it. Another clue to the mystery of women and how they are different from men. We pee on the floor in front of the toilet, and they pee on top of the toilet itself, decorating it with little bunches of toilet paper when they are done. Somehow it all makes perfect sense.


The scene of a horrible peeing-related accident




* DISCLAIMER: This is, of course, meant as a joke. There are, obviously, many women who are perfectly capable of working toilet seats. I'm being sarcastic, or something, like Hillary Clinton when she talks about being shot at by snipers in Bosnia, or Barack Obama when he insists that he had no idea his pastor of the past 20 years is a raging black supremacist racist, or John McCain when he claims to be a Republican. I love women. I just happened to have closed the lid to keep my cat from playing in the toilet. It was not intended as a trap for my wife.

Let's Go Cruisin'

Hop in and let's go for a drive

Additional Compassion Run Pics 3/25/08 By Mike

Following the 3rd Annual Compassion Run 3/25/08, Mike & Barbara headed off to Cozumel for some R & R. He is back now & I received these pics from him yesterday. This are a few of the ones he took during the Compassion Run. REMEMBER, if you want to see the pictures bigger, click on the pic. Above is a pic of some folks waiting for the slow races to begin

Here is a pic of Mike the guy who cooked that great brisket for everyone!!

This is a pic of the band that played..Play a great version of Steppenwolf's "Born To Be Wild""

Another view of the band...

This dog was at the Sportster Raffle tent.

Another pic of the dog..

Officer Mark Wise in the obstacle course.

Sgt. Mike Yonts showing his skill.

Another shot of Sgt. Yonts in the cone weave course.

That's it for this blog. Thank you Mike & Barb J for the pics & letting me do a post with them. Until the next post/run, ya'll be careful out there & ride safe....John

Biggest Loser

I live in a nice neighborhood (now that we've moved.) I have nice neighbors. They have nice things. My things? Not so nice.

Take, for example, our lawn mowers. My neighbors don't even have lawn mowers. They have 'lawn tractors'. And I use the term 'tractor' only because that's what the dealer calls them. I call them BMWs for your yard. My neighbors lawn 'tractors' cost more money than my minitruck. I shit you not.


Lawn Tractor
When we first moved into this neighborhood late last year, we were mowing our 1 acre of yard with pushmowers. It was a lot of work, obviously, but moving is expensive and we had no spare money to go out and buy a lawn 'tractor'. In fact, we still don't.

The neighbors, seeing this, felt sorry for us. They offered to let us borrow their BMW, I mean, lawn tractor.


I said they were nice. See?

Winter came and we didn't need to mow anymore. My brother-in-law, married to my middle sister, heard me talking about how embarrassing it was to have the neighbors feeling so sorry for us that they offered to loan us their exotic lawn sports cars. As it happened, my brother-in-law had an old riding mower that he no longer used. He had inherited it from his parents, who had been refurbishing it and using it for about 100 years or more. He himself had put a brand new motor on it when he got it. He said it worked fine. Plus, it was free. So we took it.


Free riding mower
So now it's spring and the weeds are growing. Not in my neighbors' yards, of course, because they have a lawn service that comes and sprays their lawns to prevent the weeds. But apparently as we have been informed, the people who owned this house before us were trash, I mean, more frugal with their lawn care dollars than the rest of the neighborhood. They never, ever had anyone spray anything on this lawn and they never did anything themselves, either. So it's a green carpet of weeds and wildflowers, all mixed in with lovely bermuda grass. This means that my lawn was the first on the block to green up and need mowing. Yay me!

I took this greening as my first opportunity to break out my lovely new riding lawn mower.

I looked it over, got the jist of how it worked, checked the oil, filled the tank with gas, and began trying to start it. But it didn't want to start. Maybe I was doing it wrong? I worked on it for an hour or two. No luck. It won't start. I went inside and decided to read up on it and see if I could find what I might be doing wrong. I found nothing. So I went out again the next day to try again. For no particular reason, it started. But then, of course, it immediately stalled again.

"You bastard!" I shouted intelligently for the benefit of my neighbors. And back I went to fiddling with the engine before starting it again. This time it ran fine. Happily, I jumped on and put it into reverse, ready to storm out onto my beautiful 1 acre lawn of green weeds with enthusiasm.

Then I noticed that the front tire was flat. "Ahhhhh daaaaaaammiiitt!!!" Again, I shouted my intelligence to the world.

After much searching, I came to the inescapable conclusion that there is not a replacement wheel and tire assembly for my mower in all of Memphis. In desperation, I bought an innertube and jammed that into the tire. It worked, and I was able to pump it up and mow with it.

When my neighbors mow with their gold plated BMW lawn tractors, you can hear them start up their motors, with the dual overhead cams and 4 valves per cylinder screaming carefully tuned notes of raw horsepower. They mow their entire yard in 15 seconds flat. You can see them flying around their houses, doing the front and back all in one giant circle of flying grass and fury. Some of them wear helmets and racing gear for safety's sake. One of my neighbors wears a full firesuit and has a rollcage, but his lawn tractor can cut 1 full acre in 5 seconds flat, so you know he needs the extra protection.


The Neighbors' Lawn Tractor
My riding mower is a Snapper. It's got an 11 horsepower Briggs and Stratton replacement motor and the transmission slips. First gear just won't engage at all. No one knows why. My cats walk casually past me when I'm in the lowest gear. In the highest gear I am very nearly moving along at a reasonable pace, at about the same speed as I walk with my old pushmower. Ah, but I'm not walking, I'm riding. That's the beauty of it! Stylin' and profilin'!


Mine
But you know my life would not be complete without the regular doses of humiliation, right? Of course. So, as I rode around my lush estate-like lawn, cheap cowboy hat on my head, very nearly fitting in with the neighbors on my big red Snapper, something happened. Something went BANG. Something fell off. It was big and red and had a bolt hole on one end and an open ended pipe at the other. I looked at it and looked at the mower, but could not figure out what the hell it did to save my life. And the mower just kept going. It apparently didn't think it needed this thing, whatever it was. So on I went, hoping to God nobody saw that.

Later, as I rode around and around my house in the blazing hot sun, I made the mistake of stopping and putting the big red Snapper in reverse. It didn't do anything. I put it back into a forward gear. Again, nothing happened. WTF? I was just going along with no trouble a minute ago and now it won't go into gear? And of course this couldn't happen in the back yard, where no one would see. Oh no, it was dead center of my front lawn, and all the neighbors were out, quietly commenting to one another about my cheap-assed, slow-as-Christmas riding mower and my cowboy hat. And there I was, stuck for no apparent reason.

I shut off the blades and flipped the mower, still running, up onto its' side so I could look underneath and try to figure out what was wrong. I believe this was the first time I had ever actually looked under there to see how it all worked. The transmission looks to be nothing more than two old metal wheels rolling against each other with a little rubber on the edge for traction. They were all covered in dust and grass, so I brushed them off and flopped the mower back down again onto my foot. I tried to act like I was cool and not in any pain as I climbed back on and put it into gear again. Ah, blessed success!

On I went, mowing again, only now, because I had flipped up the carbureted mower and engine while it was running and filled with gas, it began to sputter and stumble. Now, not only were parts falling off my mower, and the transmission stranding me in the center of my front lawn, but the engine was sounding like something from a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

The neighbors tried not to stare. I tried to pretend I didn't notice the sputtering.

And then, at last, and somewhat predictably, it just broke down. And it didn't just break down. No, it broke down dead center of my front yard, where the whole neighborhood could see. Again.

Here was my final embarrassment. Yes, because now came the part where I had to reveal just how old and low budget my new riding mower really was.

All my neighbors, when they climb into their exotic Ferrari lawn tractors, they flip a switch, turn a key, and ZOOM, they're off in a roar as the engine starts automatically for them. My Snapper? Not so much.

I had to climb off my mower and walk around to the back, where the engine is. There, sticking out of the side of my cheap old replacement engine, is a pull rope. Oh no, there's no starter. There's just me and the rope, standing in the center of my front lawn, in front of all my brand new neighbors with their shiny Formula One lawn tractors that do zero to 60 in 3.5 seconds, pulling a rope and cursing as I tried in vain to get my big red Snapper riding mower to start up again.

But of course it wouldn't start.

And so, like an idiot, I had to put it into neutral and push it around back to my shop to try to figure out what was wrong with it. It wasn't enough that I have a Snapper. It wasn't enough that parts fell off it. It wasn't enough that it stranded me in my front yard in full view of the entire neighborhood. It wasn't enough that I was forced to reveal the secret of my pull-cord engine. No, that wasn't humiliation enough for me. I had to endure the final humiliation, the pushing my broken down Snapper to the backyard in total defeat.

Oh, I'm making a BIG splash here amongst my new neighbors. Between my banana yellow hearse in the driveway, my flyers in their mailboxes for a missing cat named Spongebob Stinkypants, and my big red Snapper, you just KNOW they're all very impressed.

I'm The Shit.

Life's Little Risks

Don't step on the top step
unless you have a bucket there
then it's OK


At least all the ends are capped


Necessity is the mother of
emergency room visits


Only a relative would make a man do something like this
so you know Dad is driving


Dude, there isn't room for both you AND my beer up here


Sometimes there is a good reason
for laughing at a funeral


Momma must really love her babies
and be high on crack


How exactly is the guy on the balcony helping any?


They don't have jack stands in Mexico?


Clearance 14 feet


* Sent to me by the very beautiful Liquid

The New Gremlin Bell

Friday, 4/4/08, I received in the mail my new gremlin bell. Most of you visitors to this blog site know how I lost the last gremlin bell. If you are unfamiliar with the departure of the bell from my bike, scroll down to the "MUENSTER TEXAS RUN" and it is explained there..This time I put it on my right crash bar (engine guard to you young'uns) and instead of wire, I took Russ's advice and used a heavy duty plastic flex tie. It can be seen in the above pic under the turn signal...REMEMBER: if you want to see the picture larger, click on the pic..

The bell. I will keep a close watch on this one...Hopeful the gremlin that chewed through the wire on the last one, departed the bike with the bell & is still laying in the road or weeds back on US 82..

The last pic of the bell. Between having the bike blessed at the Compassion Run & the new bell, I will have no problems on the trip out West next week...If you are saying," What the heck is a Gremlin Bell & what does it do?", then click on the following link and it will tell ya the story..Then you can order a bell, have one given to you or buy one at almost any motorcycle dealership or motorcycle accessory/apparel shop...until next blog/ride or return from the Westcoast, ya'll be careful out there and ride safe................John

http://www.gremlinbells.com/