Showing posts with label stolen humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stolen humor. Show all posts

Monday, November 2, 2009

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD, that ...



I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.



I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"



CEO's are now playing miniature golf.



If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you call them and ask if they meant you or them.



Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM or Chrysler.



McDonalds is selling the Quarter Ouncer.



Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.



A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.



Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.



Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.



The Feminist Majority is laying off judges.



The United Auto Workers laid off 25 Congressmen.

Friday, October 16, 2009

COURAGE

What is the meaning of courage?




Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?


Is it to drive a Formula 1 car?


Is it to fly a fighter in combat?


Is it to practice free falling parachuting?


Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?


Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?


Is it to insult the doorman in a bar?


Is it to insult your boss?


Is it to go on a defective ferris wheel?


Bullsh1t........those are nothing!





This is courage!




* emailed to me by Utegirl


Friday, May 29, 2009

Why Parents Drink


A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. Sh e owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Paul


P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home





* Stolen shamelessly from Rachel

Monday, April 27, 2009

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale



Once upon a time, a man asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the man lived happily ever after

And rode motorcycles

And went fishing

And hunting

And played golf a lot

And drank beer and scotch

And left the toilet seat up

And farted whenever he wanted.




THE END





Tuesday, April 14, 2009

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD


The '80s


When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning Uphill..barefoot...BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda!!!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it !

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! 

Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butts! No where was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. 'cause that's how we rolled , dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get up and walk over to the TV to change the channel!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons !!!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy . You're spoiled! You
guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd






Monday, April 6, 2009

Purina Diet

purina

Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!


WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.











* Shamelessly stolen from a friend named Pam

Monday, January 28, 2008

Important Government Warning!

Government Health Warning!!!




Do not swallow your bubble gum





See below:











* email from Brighton

Monday, October 29, 2007

If Women Controlled The World

bowling
Bowling

cars
Choosing a new car

mouse compact
Computer accessories

parking
Parking lots

speedometer
Speedometer

tools
All the tools she'll ever need

toilet seat
Toilet seats

toilet paper
Toilet paper

any key
Computer keyboards

nut crush
Ow


*Courtesy of Amber