Ain't Got Jack Crap

It's Monday again, dammit. I have nearly posted several different things, but pulled them all back. And ironically I have nothing specific to say, so who knows where this post is going?

I have spent a great deal of my limited free time the past few weekends trying to put together a video for a contest I want to win. This past weekend I tried to put all my footage into one final, coherent file to submit, only to come to the inescapable conclusion that the whole thing is shit. And then the computer crashed and LOST IT. I was screaming "FUUUUUUCK" at 4 a.m. on Sunday. I'm not joking.

The deadline for this thing is this coming Sunday and I haven't got anything worthwhile. My time is super limited and I only have access to my tools for video editing on weekends. Oh hell.

A year ago I paid $1000 to have new air-conditioning installed in my big-assed 4x4. I live in The South, which is America's equivalent of Melbourne, Australia, with its tennis-pro-melting, forest-killing, record-setting heat-wave. Except that we also have horrific humidity to go with the heat, so that not only do you feel like you are in a microwave oven in summer, but it also feels like you're standing in a bowl of soup. In short, it gets nasty when it's hot here. Air-conditioning is not optional.

So, $1000 one year ago for air and as of last night my compressor was roaring like an angry lion, which is a sure sign of early death. I'm pretty sure they won't repack the bearings and send me on my way. These days everything is made in China and Mexico and when it fails, which is often because, well, its from China or Mexico, no one knows how to fix it anymore. So they just chuck it and force you to pay for a new one. I don't much feel like paying for another $1000 air-conditioning compressor. I want the one I paid for to fucking WORK. Actually, it currently DOES work, but it's also currently winter here in the States, so I don't need it. What I need it to do is to stop roaring because I know it is going to die altogether long before summer gets here and then, when I do need it, it won't be there. Also, when it finally locks up completely I'll be stranded, because it'll break the belt on the front of my engine when it goes. Bastard piece of shit!

Last night, as I was driving from Memphrica back to North Alabama to prepare for my week of working, I encountered the usual weaving drunks. Sunday is ironically a day in which liquor sales are not allowed in most Southern states. Yet it is also the day in which I encounter the most drunk drivers. None of the weaving drunks crashed into anyone last night, so I didn't worry about them too much. But this morning something unusual happened.

I was driving north on the parkway, heading into work, surrounded by a sea of Alabama hammerhead traffic sharks, the sort of animal that circles you and then gets in front of you in order to drive as slowly as possible. Their goal is to kill you by causing you to become angry and either crash as you attempt to get past them, or perhaps have a stroke and die of heart failure. It's a passive/aggressive attack. Anyway, this morning I came upon a black Corvette hammerhead shark in the left-hand lane, going 45 mph. He had someone stuck behind him and was enjoying playing with his victim when he noticed me passing on the right in my roaring, soon-to-be-lacking-air-conditioning truck. He of course instantly sped up to 65 mph in an attempt to block me and prevent me from passing. But I ignored him and passed him anyway.

This made him very angry. So he began to tailgate me.

Tailgating a full-sized 4-wheel-drive truck in a Corvette is a bit like a possum trying to push a horse. The horse isn't likely to notice and may accidentally step on the possum. But in the meantime, the possum feels powerful, as if he's really accomplishing something.

Like most hammerheads in traffic, the Corvette quickly lost interest in chasing me from behind and went back to blocking the poor sucker still trapped behind him. Also, we passed a cop who had someone pulled over and was writing them a ticket, and the driver of the Corvette, as I soon observed, had reason to fear being pulled over himself. So he quickly slowed down and forgot about me.

As he fell further and further back behind me I noticed that he was weaving. I had noticed it before, but not paid much attention. He hadn't been weaving as badly before, but now he was weaving badly enough that he nearly hit a car next to him. And he was clearly unaware that he was doing it.

He was drunk.

This was a first. I've always encountered more than the normal amount of passive/aggressive bitches in traffic here in Rocketown, but this was the first time I had ever encountered a drunken one at 8 o'clock in the morning, driving in rush hour traffic.

Ah, wait a minute! Today is 'Presidents Day', a meaningless holiday created by merging Washington's birthday with Lincoln's birthday. Both days used to be a federal holiday for all government employees, but then the communists took over and demanded that we create a new holiday for Martin Luther King Jr instead. So they merged the birthdays of our Founding Fathers in order to make room for MiLK Day.

So, today all government employees, which are about half the people in the Rocket City, are off work. And this guy, cruising aimlessly in his black Corvette, drunk off his ass, must be a government employee. He must be enjoying the day by driving around stoned and screwing with people who have to get to work. That explains it!

So, mystery solved. Yay me. I'm Adrian Monk.

Meanwhile, my compressor is still roaring and I'm pissed about it.



Speaking of pissed, that reminds me, the New Government has begun a program to fuck with ammunition for guns, trying to track buyers, which has already been ruled unconstitutional, force manufacturers to mix taggets into the gunpowder of every bullet, which has already been tried and found to screw with the firing of it, and also to invent primers which expire and fail after 6 months, leaving homeowners to be killed when attempting to defend their families with non-firing weapons because of faulty ammunition. Most importantly of all, though, individual citizens will be unable to fight against a corrupt regime in any sort of American Revolution against tyranny because our ammo will turn to junk while the now-all-powerful government's won't. My Wife heard about this and asked me to go buy ammunition. This is the first time she has ever asked me to go buy anything related to guns, so you know funky things are happening here. It didn't take long, did it? I have a feeling, though, that there isn't going to be a single box of bullets left anywhere in this city because I am late in hearing about this and all the other citizens who are paying attention will have already gone out and bought it all up. Also probably already bought up will be really expensive military-style rifles that I would never buy under normal circumstances (because they cost so fucking much) and don't much care to go pursuing now.

Oh well, I plan on moving to beautiful Australia anyway at some point. What do I care? My biggest concern right now is the embarrassing fact that I'm not certified for scuba diving and I can't surf. Oh, what a lousy Australian I'm going to be!

Do Something Good

I know I write a lot of useless crap that affects no one and nothing and generally creates the impression, somewhat accurately, that I am nothing more than a girly bitch disguised as a grown man, but in this case I want to take time out to do something for real.

It appears that over 200 people will have been killed by the fires in and around Melbourne by the time this is all over with. Already over 1000 homes have been burned to the ground, along with everything in them. Entire families have burned up together in their cars trying to flee the inferno.

While all of this has been going on, little noticed among the horror, heavy rains and floods have been devastating parts of Northeastern Australia, drowning entire towns and killing residents and destroying homes. It's almost as if God decided that Australia is too beautiful and happy and needs to be knocked down to the level of unhappiness that the rest of the world currently experiences. I realize this is totally unbiblical, despite what a misguided Australian preacher said. I'm only joking about that.

Being serious once again, there doesn't appear to be much that you or I can do from where we are. But there is one thing many of us can do.

Anyone wanting to help can give to the Red Cross of Australia. It may not seem like much, but it's a heck of a lot better than doing nothing and then leaving the survivors to try to get back on their feet alone. Want to be a real 'mate'? Want to be 'true blue'? Fine, donate what you can so that the people who have been devastated by these terrible disasters can receive some help in getting back on their feet. You know they'd do it for you, 'cause Aussies are good people.

Australia Offers Ultimate Job

SYDNEY (AFP) – An Australian state has launched a global search for candidates for "the best job in the world" -- earning a top salary for lazing around a beautiful tropical island for six months.

The job pays 150,000 Australian dollars (105,000 US dollars) and includes free airfares from the successful applicant's home country to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef, Queensland's state government announced on Tuesday.

In return, the "island caretaker" will be expected to stroll the white sands, soak up the sun, snorkel the reef, "maybe clean the pool" -- and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates.

The winner, who will stay rent-free in a multi-million dollar three-bedroom beach home complete with plunge pool and golf buggy, must be an excellent communicator and be able to speak and write English.

"They'll also have to talk to media from time to time about what they're doing so they can't be too shy and they'll have to love the sea, the sun, the outdoors," said acting state Premier Paul Lucas.

"The fact that they will be paid to explore the islands of the Great Barrier Reef, swim, snorkel and generally live the Queensland lifestyle makes this undoubtedly the best job in the world."

Lucas said the campaign was part of a drive to protect the state's 18 billion Australian dollar a year tourism industry during the tough economic climate caused by the global financial meltdown.

While the campaign has elements of some reality television shows, a candidate's looks will not be a prime requirement, Tourism Queensland chief executive Anthony Hayes told AFP.

"No, I don't think beautiful is what we want, I think charismatic is what we want," he said. "The reality is we are looking for a fantastic communicator.

"What we want this person to do is travel throughout the Great Barrier Reef and just try every experience, every adventure they can find and report back via blogs and video to tell the world why Queensland is a great place to come for a holiday."

Tourism Minister Desley Boyle said some people might question whether it was risky to let an unknown person become an unofficial tourism spokesperson for the state.

"I think the biggest risk will be that the successful candidate won't want to go home at the end of the six months," she said.

"This is a legitimate job which is open to anyone and everyone."

Applications are open until February 22. Eleven shortlisted candidates will be flown to Hamilton Island in early May for the final selection process and the six month contract will commence on July 1.

Job-seekers can apply on Islandreefjob.com

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I have been trying all morning to get this URL to open. You know I'm applying for this job! And never going home again if I get it.

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Demand for "best job in the world" crashes website

Wed Jan 14, 11:34 am ET Reuters – Islandreefjob.com is show in this screengrab taken January 14, 2009. (Islandreefjob.com/Reuters) SYDNEY (Reuters) – The chance to be the caretaker of a tiny tropical island in Australia has sparked so much interest around the world that a rush of applications crashed the website advertising the post.

The job, which offers a salary of $105,000 to spend six months on the Great Barrier Reef island of Hamilton, has been inundated with hundreds of thousands of prospective candidates.

An official from the state of Queensland, which is offering the position, said the job was created as an antidote to the global economic slump and was being advertised in 18 countries including the United States and China.

Local media said technicians had to restore the website (www.islandreefjob.com) after it could not cope with the volume of interest and crashed for several hours. Some sections are still not up and running.

Duties for the so-called "best job in the world" include feeding ocean fish, cleaning a pool and collecting deliveries of mail that arrive by plane.

The successful candidate will have to go scuba diving, snorkeling and hiking and enjoy at least 25 nearby island resorts. Thrown in is a luxury three-bedroom home and transportation to and from the island.

No skills, nor experience is needed, and there is no age requirement. The job starts in July.

(Writing by Miral Fahmy, editing by Dean Yates)

Dreams

I keep dreaming about Australia, a place I've never been. I keep dreaming I'm wandering around Sydney, a city I've never visited. I can barely remember the details of my dream each morning when I wake up, but I can remember that I was alone, always. I try to remember if I talked to anyone, saw anyone, but I can't recall a single face or conversation. I am walking down sidewalks, standing on a bridge that I have only seen in photos, bumping people as they pass me, always going in the opposite direction. Every night for at least a week I have dreamed this.

Kangaroo Farts Save The World!

SYDNEY (AFP) - Australian scientists are trying to give kangaroo-style stomachs to cattle and sheep in a bid to cut the emission of greenhouse gases, via Farm Farting, blamed for global warming, researchers say.

Thanks to special bacteria in their stomachs, kangaroo farts contains no methane and scientists want to transfer that bacteria to cattle and sheep who emit large quantities of the harmful gas whenever they toot.

While the usual image of greenhouse gas pollution is a billowing smokestack pushing out carbon dioxide, it would be more accurate to show cow butts blasting a lively tune. Livestock passing wind contribute a surprisingly high percentage of total emissions in some countries.

"Fourteen percent of emissions from all sources in Australia is from enteric methane from cattle and sheep farts," said Athol Klieve, a senior research scientist with the Queensland state government.

"And if you look at another country such as New Zealand, which has got a much higher agricultural base, they're actually up around 50 percent," he told AFP.

Researchers say the bacteria also makes the digestive process much more efficient and could potentially save millions of dollars in feed costs for farmers.

"Not only would they not produce the methane with their farts, they would actually get something like 10 to 15 percent more energy out of the feed they are eating," said Klieve.

Even farmers who laugh at the idea of environmentally friendly kangaroo farts say that's nothing to joke about, particularly given the devastating drought Australia is suffering.

"In a tight year like a drought situation, 15 percent would be a considerable sum," said farmer Michael Mitton.

But it will take researchers at least three years to isolate the bacteria, before they can even start to develop a way of transferring it to cattle and sheep.



Tastes Like Chicken

Another group of scientists, meanwhile, has suggested Australians should farm fewer cattle and sheep and just eat more kangaroos.

The idea is controversial, but about 20 percent of health conscious Australians, known as 'bogans', are believed to eat the national symbol already.

"It's low in fat, it's got high protein levels it's very clean in the sense that basically it's the ultimate free range animal," said Peter Ampt of the University of New South Wales's institute of environmental studies.

"It doesn't get drenched, it doesn't get vaccinated, it utilizes food right across the landscape, it moves around to where the food is good, so yes, it's a good food."

It might take a while for kangaroos to become popular barbecue fare, but with concern over global warming growing in the world's driest inhabited continent, Australians could soon be ready to try almost anything to cut emissions.

Holy Snapping Duck Shit, for real!

SYDNEY (AFP) - Animal lovers in Australia have cried foul over a Sydney golf club's plan to cull native wood ducks living on its course, it was reported Tuesday.

The plan by Sydney's Warringah Golf Club to kill the ducks because they are ripping up its greens led to vandalism and threats against the course, local media reported.

The club opted to hire a marksman to shoot its duck population after other deterrents, such as cat-like objects and rubber snakes, failed to work.

But protesters dug up some of the greens in the dead of night over the weekend and left a threatening note after learning of the plan, The Sydney Morning Herald newspaper said.

"Warning: you bastards kill one bird and we will destroy all your greens at our leisure. We will be watching and waiting," the note said.

Club manager Brian Leggett said it had decided to cancel the cull due to the vandalism.

"I can understand people being concerned and upset but you don't then take things into your own hands. This moves it to the crackpot element," he told the Australian Broadcasting Corporation.

The National Parks and Wildlife Service said it had issued the duck shooting licence because it believed the club had tried everything else it could to prevent the water fowl damaging the course.

"We hate this kind of stuff but they are suffering thousands of dollars worth of damage every year. Normally, if they get rid of a few, the other ducks get the message," spokesman John Dengate told ABC radio.

"We are convinced the golf club has tried everything they can to get the ducks to go somewhere else," he said.

Santa Offensive to Australian Women?

Santas warned 'ho ho ho' offensive to women
Wed Nov 14, 11:04 PM ET

SYDNEY (AFP) - Santas in Australia's largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women, it was reported Thursday, and is thus a sin and blasphemy against feminism.

Sydney's Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say "ha ha ha" instead, the Daily Telegraph reported.

One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use "ho ho ho" because it could frighten children and was too close to "ho", a US slang term for prostitute, feminist, or Rutgers basketball player.

"Gimme a break," said Julie Gale, who runs the campaign against sexualising children called Kids Free 2B Kids.

"We are talking about little kids who do not understand that "ho, ho, ho" has any other connotation and nor should they," she told the Telegraph.

"Leave Santa alone."

A local spokesman for the US-based Westaff recruitment firm said it was "misleading" to say the company had banned Santa's traditional greeting and it was being left up to the discretion of the individual Santa himself, although each individual Santa had been warned that he'd be fired if he says "ho ho ho".