4 Ways to Tell If the Company That Canned you Is Full of Shit

The FWTC, again, enlisted the "talents" of a guest writer. Translation: None of the regular columnists felt like writing anything this week. So, instead of re-posting an old article in the spirit of NBC's old "if you haven't seen it, it's new to you" mentality we threw the ball into someone else's court. Cue, PT. If it sucks, blame Ren. That's our policy around here.- Tresckow
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By PT

Tons of people in this country are having a tough time with employment. On one end of the spectrum you have poor bastards stuck in a shitty job that's rotting them from the inside out. Even though their employer is crushing their souls a little more everyday, they don't dare quit. The simple fact is no one knows if they can land another job that doesn't floss its teeth with the spirits of their employees (at least not as much). At the opposite end of the spectrum are another crop of poor bastards fired from their jobs because, The Man is looking for ways to cut expenses. These poor sommabitches join the legions of unemployed in an economy that's way past circling the drain.

If you look closely, you can see Chrysler in there.

It's one thing if you were axed for refusing to wear pants at the office. No one wants to wear pants, but you just have to suck it up. However, it's quite different if you're tossed to the curb like yesterday's diaper for no fault of your own. You're given the corporate "it's not you, it's me" speech. Tears may be shed, chairs thrown, and cars driven through walls, but what can be done? There's no money and the company has to cut their expenses. Right?

But, what if the corporate douche bags are lying through their teeth? There you are, dumpster diving for left overs outside a Carl's Jr and the senior management of your former financially fucked company is still ordering caviar pancakes for breakfast. What the hell? Didn't they just lay off 27 employees, because they were in the hole? Sometimes, the answer is, "you got fucked." How do you know?

1. Promotions all around
Let's say an ass ton of employees were laid off last month. I'm not just talking about the dude that drives the little mail cart around. No, we're talking skilled, white collar, middle management types. Inevitably you end up getting the dirt on the demon whore company that sent dozens of people packing. When you were still on staff, they couldn't afford to supply everyone with a computer made in the last ten years. Half the staff gets shafted with an Amiga or Apple Lisa. But, wait. There were a round of promotions after the layoffs?

Wait, WTF?
You, my friend, have been duped. Sure, the company had to make some cuts due to budget reasons; just not the reasons they eluded to. As soon as the dust settled, 10 friggin ass clowns were given hefty promotions and $25,000 raises. It's true, you and the other expendables were fired for financial reasons. But, the reasons weren't because the company had problems paying the electric bill. It's because the money that used to pay you needed to be redirected to a handful of fucks that already made thousands more than you!

Oh, bother. I'm simply running out of places to put all my money.

2. Adding to the Already Bloated Senior Management
While looking through useless job sites in an effort to find a job that pays in money, not beads, you become disheartened. It's not that there aren't jobs out there. It's that employers know the applicant to available position ratio is 1000 to 1 [citation needed]. After scrolling past the 80th pyramid scheme or shady work from home ad, you come across a familiar company. A company hiring a shit load of vice presidents, czars, grand poobahs, and other master of the universe type positions. Wait a mother loving minute! That's the company you were fired from!

Wait, WTF?
As with the previous scenario, the company needed to get rid of a bunch of staff positions due to their finances. So, in turn, to save the money they just reclaimed from the round of layoffs they go on a Paris Hilton-esq shopping spree for high power employees that cost four times as much as the money they yoinked from your sorry ass. Why, you ask? Well, so they can look like they know what they're doing while they drive themselves into the ground harder than a tent peg at the big top.

Well, maybe not the Big Top, but at least the oddities tent.

3. Big Donations for Big PR
A few months go by and you're forced to pay for your rent with manual labour and wheels of cheese. True, millions of people have it worse than you. At least you don't have to shit in a hole in some God-forsaken third world country like France. There have been so many cataclysmic disasters in the past few months one thinks the End of Days is here. The most terrifying catastrophe: The re-make of "We Are the World."

NO, Lionel Richie! YOU get right back to obscurity this very minute!

Companies love to donate to charities. But, these are tough times. Who can afford to cut a $50,000 check to shady relief fund with its office in a van with the engine running? You just got an earful of "The company has to tighten its belt" and "We have to be smarter with our money" war cries as the door hit your ass on the way out. Hold on a minute. The company that made you pack your professional life in a trash bag just promoted their ginormous donation to the earthquake-tsunami-famine-wrath of God fund.

Wait, WTF?

So, let us get this straight... the money whores gave you and a dozen of your buddies the 'ol heave-ho, because they didn't have the cash to pay you. So, where did the fucking charity money come from?

No, I don't have anything against giving to charity. I'm not Roode. I don't wish for the death of my fellow man. But, there is a certain bullshit contradiction when a company shit cans a shitastic number of employees for "financial reasons" then turns around and gives thousands upon thousands of dollars to the crisis of the month. OK, so I sound like a dick on that one. But think about it. There's no good way to say this. It's sort of a "Robbing Peter to pay Paul" deal. They say charity begins at home, but when was the last time a company sent out a press release for NOT firing employees?

Congratulations!

4. Mr. Bigshot President/CEO Gets a New Ride
You haven't gotten an oil change in five months. The only thing holding your shit box car together is duct tape and wishful thinking. The money is running out and you don't have a dime to spare for luxuries like brake pads, a functioning instrument panel, and working seat belts. You end up rolling past your ex-employer because the building is at the bottom of a hill and gravity is your fuel now. As you roll by in the world's most dangerous soapbox racer you see the carpeted, velvet roped parking spot that belongs to the big cheese. Wait one douchebaggy minute. When you left he had a Plymouth Reliant. Now, a fucking shiny new Lexus is in the space being washed and waxed by bikini models with bottles of Dom.

Wait? That shit is real? Why wasn't I told, damn it!?

Wait, WTF?
We call foul! A small army was tossed out the door due to cutbacks. Where, exactly, does a brand-spanking new pimpmobile for the bossman fit? To add some extra oomf to the crotch shot, the damn thing is leased by the company. So, it's not just the fact that Mr. Cutback somehow has the cash to buy him some new wheels. That shit is on the company dime!

Cash strapped company boss' ride.

Yours

10 Types of Corporate Idiots in Every Organization

By Tresckow

All offices, be they government, association, or public have one thing in common. In fact, it actually may be the natural order of things. We, as mere mortals, dare not try to understand it. It just IS. We, at the FWTC, call it Corporate Personality Disorder or CPD.

What is CPD, you ask? It's sort of a self-imposed caste system. Instead of being enforced on a social level, like in India, the corporate castes are segmented into the different subcategories of CPD, each defined by the individual employee's personality dysfunction or "batshit crazy" behavior.

Where the fuck is my hole punch!

Just for the record, our theory of CPD is in no way connected to this dude's definition. His deals with corporations, as a whole, fucking over the earth or beating baby seals with rubber hoses filled with lead shot or some shit. But, to be safe, we'll change OUR theory's name to Corporate Batshit Insane Personality Disorder (CBIPD- Happy now, legal department?).

Sorry, dude. The term isn't copyrighted. Boo-yah!

At any given moment in time we are surrounded by idiots, wannabes, brown nosers, and the clinically douchey. In order to make your work life easier we decided to categorize the 10 most common business fucktards likely to drive you out of your cotton pickin' mind. If you happen to fit any of these categories, seek help before one of your co-workers embeds a tape dispenser in your poop chute.

1: Corporate Seat Filler

If you've ever watched the shit parade of television award shows, you no doubt know what a "seat filler" is. If you haven't, (God, how I envy you) a seat filler is some dipshit who is charged with putting his ass in an empty seat to make the show look packed. So, when John Voight gets up to take a dump or Paris Hilton steps out to freshen her STDs, it's the seat filler's job to keep the cushion warm.

Offices have the same thing. Alright, there aren't dozens of people running around the building, hopping into empty chairs. But, there are brainless suckos who are hired to essentially take up space.

Ever wonder to yourself "What the hell does he/she friggin do here?" My friend, that inert piece of flotsam is a corporate seat filler. They're labeled with titles such as "personal assistant" or "senior administrative specialist to the executive Reich Minister," but, when it comes down to it, these asshats just make coffee, tie up their office phone with personal calls, and rummage through the office fridge stealing food. Considering this stockpile of uselessness, somehow, these craptastic human paperweights seem to dodge the annual company lay offs. Why? We can't have our executives making their own flight arrangements and wiping their own asses can we?

Where the hell is my assistant? I need the squeegee and the company priest here, STAT!

2: Wishy-Washy Yes-Man/The corporate windsock

This decision making abortion can't, under any circumstances, commit without knowing which way the wind's blowing. Your ass is constantly on the line, desperately clinging to the modicum of useful information that can be decoded from this bunghole's blabbering. It's like speaking to Robin Williams.

Somehow you were able to translate the illogical, contradicting bullshit flowing out of his mouth and skipper a project/contract/account/human sacrifice that will take your company into the next decade. Awesome! A round of beer on FWTC. That is after we find that gold mine we really believe is somewhere along the Teton River. We're good for it man.

Nevermind [insert the Price is Right loser sound here]. We're not going to buy a round. Your boss' boss just came out of her panic room. You've done what you could with what Mushmouth words fell out of your boss' mouth. But. like a kick in the balls with an iron boot, your boss' boss decides to pretend to be relevant and completely dick with your hard work. "We should go in a different direction with this. Look at this as an exercise." Without missing a beat, your boss suddenly becomes sentient and is doing a kick ass impression of Dr. Goebbels doting over Hitler. His pie hole openeth and spews "That's exactly what I was thinking. That's such a great idea, boss. We'll get him on this in no time and trash this project!" Fuck you!

A fucking exercise? You have got to be shitting me! It sure as shit felt like a mind numbing, soul crushing, 60 hour work weeks for two months God almighty for-friggin-real deal . Times like these, I like to ask that age old question, what would Jesus do?

Hell, yeah! Looks like a shopping spree at Home Depot and Gun World tonight!

3: Decision Clairvoyant

Ever get the impression in a meeting that you're there purely for decoration. To be just another nodding head to the Pandora's box of, yet another, corporate logic raping? Well, you are.

Take a look around. Who called this meeting? Whose agenda is this. Ah, shit, buckle up, it's time for a corporate enema. The "leader" of this sorry group asks questions, solicits advice, but at every turn, reasserts him/herself as the master of their domain. Calling a meeting was pointless, for the outcome was foreseen! How? Who could have such powers? The Decision Clairvoyant, of course!

This turbo bitch knows exactly how these meetings will end; by having her mind made up before the damn thing takes place. She gazed into her crystal ball five minutes before the other drones stumbled into the conference room. Or, just simply uses the meetings to make a power play and show off her "IRON WILL!"

You: "Maybe we shouldn't drown puppies at our next convention."

DC: "NO!" We WILL drown puppies at the next event. We'll be the biggest and best puppy drowners of all time! You want to be a team player, don't you? "

This pisses me off enough to make me vomit out of anger. Truthfully, I don't have the adequate volume of the bile and stomach contents it would take to puke a rage this big.

Sorry,my barf bag friend. I just don't have it in me.

4: Super Businessman

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, wait. It's just some douche that will fix everything with business jargon and fashionable cliches.

Every meeting is the same with this caped crusader. The first 20 minutes are submerged in phrases like, "Maximize the paradigm!" or, "Realign the the alignment to meet the demographic shift in the cross functional matrix!" Everyone has the same look, but no one ever blurts out "What the fuck are you talking about?" But, really, that's YOUR problem. SUPER BUSINESSMAN need not translate. YOU must delete all words and phrases in your head before the arrival of SUPER BUSINESSMAN and learn the blessed tongue.

Who cares if half the shit he's saying doesn't apply to your particular industry or company. Shipping beef is a lot different than shipping paperclips. An executive who spent fifteen years in the marble business probably won't make the best executive for the seafood industry. "What? You mean the trucks have to be refrigerated? Never had to do what with marbles." I'm betting that customers won't contract a foodborne illness and shit themselves to death if they get a "bad" Aggie.

When it comes down to it, SUPER BUSINESSMAN wows the senior management with his fashionable business speak/bullshit. They just won't worry about all that...other detail. No! SUPER BUSINESSMAN will force that square peg into a round hole. It will fit damn it! I will be your golden idol! You will all bask in my brilliance!

Now if I could only remember how that idol worshiping thing turned out in the Bible.

5: Grandmaster Save-a-buck

Everyone has to make a budget at some point, right? Every payday you need to know exactly how much you have to spend on food and how much you can spend on lap dances. This usually happens in most businesses (yes, the lap dances).

Surely companies have made sensible financial cuts. Sorry, sir, no roof top hot tub, we had to make cutbacks. No Ma'am, we didn't slaughter dozens of the finest rabbits so that we may reupholster your board meeting throne. Oh, sorry Mister President CEO, you may need to think hard on that company Mercedes this year. Just a suggestion, but we have to make a choice between continuing to lease you the company car or calling a team to figure out how all those Ewoks got into the server room. They're everywhere. You have no idea!

We have no fucking idea how they got in, but now they won't leave. They're fashioning weapons from faulty hard drives and leftover copper wiring.

But, when the fat has been trimmed and you're cutting into the bone, there's a problem.

It's an emergency! Stock is down, product isn't selling, the Feds are onto the company's slave trading, whatever. Bottom line is the company has to better its bottom line. This is where Grandmaster Save-a-buck comes into play with his ham fisted hold on dipshit economics.

It starts off reasonably, at first. Then, all of a sudden, the game changes. It's no longer just about cutting the redundant expenses. Now it's about cutting EVERYTHING, including basic essentials needed to meet Geneva Convention regulations. Whoa there! You can reuse those coffee grounds. Toilet paper? To save we've switched to the sub-economy brand. Requisitioning an order for a new light bulb? What are we made of money? Candles are 5 for 5 at the drugstore. That's a good thing, because the thermostat is now set to 40 degrees in the winter. Warm yourself up, Bob Cratchit style.

Don't speak to me about coal, Mr. Cratchit! When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do. [We may have mixed up George C. Scott's roles for this one]

6: Captain Condescension

As children we all needed adults to set our dumbasses straight. Sure, we all need pointers and advice as we join the adult world. However, it should be done on the understanding that we're older than five and have mastered the art of wiping our own ass.

Cue Captain Condescension. This bag of ass sweat is always on the case as long as the case involves making you feel and look like a total asshole. Mere corrections are not enough for this butt munch. Oh no, he has to hammer the point in until the nail comes out the other side. This is past the point of making friendly suggestions or corrections. He doesn't mean well. His words didn't accidentially come out with an unintended tone of dickishness. This is deep inside jackass territory.

Be it for ego's sake or because daddy didn't love him enough as a child, the Captain NEEDS to point out how brilliant he is and how friggin clueless his coworkers are. This isn't mere sarcasm (of which I am an artist) this is insecure pissing contest crap. Guess what, Captain. Half of your coworkers are plotting for you to have an unfortunate run in with the business end of a mail cart.

7: Half-assed Micromanager

This insecure ass face is an distrusting control freak. He's so paranoid that his subordinates will completely screw up the simplest task if he isn't watching them like Ted Kennedy eying up a bottle of scotch (too soon?).

Everywhere you turn, there he is. Have an assignment? Well, just go into his office each time you make a decision to have it changed. Are you attempting independent thought? Not on his watch. Is that project almost complete? He'll dissect it like your frog in high school biology.

Somewhere along the line, you'll spend a shit ton of the business day just seeking his approval for the type of font used for an email. I said TIMES NEW ROMAN, NOT CALIBRI!

The real kick between the uprights will be when he wants to know why your project is taking so long.

8: Big Picture, Little Brain

Many people in the business world call process people "short sighted" or a "dark cloud." That's really because process people are the ones that get the job done. They have to be the thinkers that get figure out the "hows" and "whys." The polar opposite of a process person is a "big picture" person. That's basically a classification of executive that likes to hear themselves speak using broad and vague terms, not to actually create a "big picture," but to provide themselves with an open canvas that will easily cover their own asses if something goes south.

Big picture people have begun to believe that they are superior to the detail monkeys that actually have to make the BIG PICTURE a reality. Or, and this will induce a shit storm larger than Katrina, point out that the big picture is flawed. Damn it! There you go again process dude. Raining on our big thinking parade. Yeah, I'm raining on your parade, but that's not water.

The process-mongers, will build a foundation of the gods. Plan baby plan. OK, boss, what does it look like? Should it be red? Involve children? Yetti's? Genetic cloning? The guys in the warehouse have been dying to reanimate the Tyrannosaurus we've had boxed up in bay 3 for the last two years. Put us in coach. PUT US IN!

Above: Successful marketing.

If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of the air conditioning blowing through this jack hole's ears. The team is there, salivating for an over all direction so they can be cut loose. These people are no longer office mates. They're eager, grunting Mongolian warriors awaiting orders from the Khan to slaughter the ever loving shit out of the project at hand. But, that is nowhere near what this newly formed Mongolian businessman horde is about to hear. Starting at the 0:52 seconds mark, the clip below is a pretty good example of the mindless blathering you're likely to hear from a Big Picture, Little Brainer.



It's enough to drive a person to play kick ball with this dick's teeth.

9: Chess Master

I hate this sommabitch like the Jews hate the Nazis. He's the Chris Angel of corporate illusion, only without the dramatic music in the background.

Everything this master of the unseen contributes to his personal agenda. Whenever he is giving you seemingly honest and good natured advice, it's a scam. Making the tough decisions? It's a scam. Settling a dispute between coworkers? Scam, scam, SCAM!

The entire existence of this jackhole is to constantly and consistently move the pieces of the office chess board in his favor. He is the puppet master and you are the foam pawn with his hand up your ass.

We dare you to get this image out of your head.

But, why? Why all the game playing and people manipulating? Your parking space, an office with a window, first in line at the office picnic... it could be anything. Typically, it revolves around a high ranking exec's lust for power. [See: Hitler as Chancellor] This megalomaniac's need to rule the world will eventually cost you your job, sanity, or both. Check your back, daily, for knife wounds.

Really killed for his parking space.

10: The Royal Order of the Ivory Tower

This wondertard is usually the head of the company. They are suprememly insulated from disturbing things like employee complaints, the presence of chess masters in their senior staff, and reality in general. This guy doesn't want to know what's really going on. He just wants to hear the good things and go to cocktail parties with the other Masters of the Universe. If there are no good things to say, he wants you to make that shit up.

You'll be able to recognize this chuckle head by his clueless happy disposition in the middle of the company's budget crisis. He surrounds himself with henchmen to do all the dirty work. They serve as a type of human iPhone. Employees need to be laid off? There's an ap for that. Someone need to be demoted? There's an ap for that. Company responsible for the poisoning of thousands because of mixing lead paint with pudding? There's an ap for that.

I know that "tell staff of budget crisis while buying a company car" ap is here somewhere.

This guy sort of is like the Quaker on the Quaker Oats box. He's a figure head, but doesn't really do anything. He insists on delivering all the good news and routinely calls office-wide meetings to make him feel better about himself. He's under the delusion that the company revolves around him, yet when he's on one of his three week vacations in Europe, no one seems to notice.

He'd kick his own mother in the sternum to get publicity and throw a child into a cheetah paddock if it meant one more head shot on the cover of an industry magazine.

Coming soon: The Executive Version.

Unempoyment Axioms That Need to DIE

By Roode

Mother fucker! I hate the bullshit stock sayings and adages that accompany every one of life's major events. "They look so happy together." "It is what it is." "There's someone out there for you." "He looks so lifelike." No, assholes: 1) The bride and groom are in matching colors and patterns. That has nothing to do with being happy. In fact, at that given point in time, one of them is having the most miserable time of their life. 2) No shit? It is what it is? What kind of general mouth breathing shit is that? Of course it is what it is. If it wasn't it wouldn't exist. It was what it was. Now this shit is starting to sound like the verbal diarrhea spewed out in the Green Mile or Forrest Gump.

Forrest, shut the fuck up about life being like a box of chocolates.
Put razor blades in every third chocolate and THAT would be life.

3) There's someone out there for you? What that phrase neglects to mention is that there was someone out there for Sharon Tate and Kitty Genovese. 4) He looks so lifelike.. really? WRONG! He looks like a mannequin from a department store wearing his clothes. Better hurry, he has to be back at the store by six for the Lands End display. Shit, when did this article turn into a creepier version of Mannequin? That flick was creepy enough.

This dude was actually the only one of the padded room bunch that DIDN'T give children nightmares.

Oh, yes Hollywood (the movie generating location, not the effeminate black guy above holding a fire hose). I know what's going on. You don't think you can get away with this shit without Roode knowing. My network is everywhere. A Mannequin "reboot?" What the hell is wrong with you pot smoking, yerk toting cheeba monkies? Why do you think putting the word "Reboot" allows you the equivalent of a kick ball "redo?" If one of you fuck asses touches the original script for Revenge of the Nerds, the UN will have to send its peace keeping forces here. That shit will not stand! Besides, the concept died in 2006. God was watching our backs.

Perhaps the most annoying and bile spewing axioms, adages, and words of wisdom pertain to just having lost a job. Isn't it bad enough that your company shit canned you, because of the "budget crunch" (although, it is amazing how many directors, VPs, and corporate masters of the universe aren't feeling it personally enough to downgrade their Mercedes).

Do you know how humiliating it is to keep driving the 2009 C63 when
the 2010 3000 SL Gullwing is out there?
Neither do I.

It's not enough that you have to clear out your office with Monty from security watching to make sure you don't take company staples. Hey, Monte, eat a dick! I think the ultimate kick in the jewels is A) most companies drag you down dead man's alley in what could only be described as a depressing funeral march and B) It's no fucking secret what's about to happen, yet they still treat you like a retarded kid with a spork at the school picnic. You saw the writing on the wall. it said "Bend over sucker, you're going to get a nice, brutal corporate ass pounding." You, then go to the room of death where they tell you of their woes and heartaches. How hard it was to make the decisions they made... for

THE GOOD OF THE COMPANY

(I think trumpets sound every time an executive says those words).

FOR THE GOOD OF THE COMPANY! Oh yeah, Petey, your ass is fired.
Clean out your office in the next five minutes.

I'm sorry, this all sounds so personal. Bing-fucking-go! It is. I joined the United States' ever growing club of poor sons-a-bitches laid off. I even got the "it's not you, it's me" speech. For the sake of keeping my ass out of jail, I won't mention my ex-employer (hey, did you know THE STATE is available on DVD? I just might get THE STATE for my brother. He loves THE STATE.).

I can't seem to find the MTv logo for THE STATE. So, please enjoy this map of a far less funny STATE. STATE!

The real tragedy is that 50% of the FWTC "writers" are looking for work. Don't get me wrong, coming up with material for this site is work, but it doesn't pay. Not unless you call it a church and build a tax shelter from it. Shit. That's a good idea. Nevermind. Forget I said that.

Making sure to add a copious amount of salt to the wound is the gaggle of home-spun wisdom chattering fuck-a-ninnies. The words of sympathy really aren't that at all. It' more like an effort to make themselves feel better by filling the air with hollow encouragement. They sort of feel bad that your ass was canned, but they're plenty happy it wasn't them. Sure, I can identify with that. It's the roll of the dice; the brains and workhorses of the organization are dropped like a bad habit, but the yes-men and brown nosers are secure. Fine. Whatever.

It's awkward enough seeing a former co-worker while you're buying Penthouse and Thunderbird at the gas station. Just nod and move on. There is no need to fling empty words of encouragement like shit in the monkey house.

Have a nice, big, steaming pile of empty gesture.

Over the past few weeks, Tresckow and I have compiled a short list of the most asinine job loss axioms uttered out loud by half hearted, empty headed ass clowns. I just wrote about it first. Eat it, Tresckow!

1. I'm sure it's for the best. Everything happens for a reason.

Who the fuck are you to determine that? You know when it's the best thing for someone who was just shit canned? Finding another job that doesn't involve a paper hat. I WILL determine if being thrown away like a used tampon was for the best. YOU just sit there and shut the fuck up and know that you're probably next.

And how about that other chestnut of wisdom? Everything happens for a reason? No shit. Everything does. Wow, we've reached common ground. But, that mushy, sappy double speak gibberish isn't meant to instill hope. It's a half assed attempt to justify reality. "Gee, Joe. Why did the Japs have to bomb Pearl Harbor and kill all those sailors?" "I don't know, Bob. Everything happens for a reason." BULLSHIT! "Mien Heir, why must we exhume and then burn all the corpses from the Warsaw Ghetto massacre?" "Hauptmann, everything happens for a reason." Shit, I guess "Everything happens for a reason" justifies a fist in the face to the next fucker I catch uttering those words. Let's distill this bullshit milkshake down for you. If "everything happens for a reason" find the fucking reason and shove its head in the toilet!

Rationalize this, "Reason!"

2. I've been there.
Wow! That's great! You've been there. Where are you now? Employed by the same organization that performed a job-ectomy on ten friggin staff members?

"I've been there" doesn't help. Alright, it kind of does if the person on the other side of the conversation is a mentor or, at least, someone you don't have an urge to hit with a hammer. But, when it's some jackass glad-hander spitting out the words they have no meaning. "I've had the clap" is just as thoughtful.

Does telling you I've been there make the burning itch go away?

3. Are you checking the unemployment section/
Have you started applying for jobs yet?

Seriously? Who the fuck do I look like? Norm Peterson? Am I the overweight, lovable alcoholic who revels in his unemployment? No, I'm the jacked up, hateful alcoholic turbo pissed about not having a steady income. How does the same type of question sound in other areas of life?

1. At a funeral for a co-worker's spouse: "Have you started looking for another wife yet?"
2. Missing child: "Have you started looking for a replacement kid yet?"
3. Chemo patient: "Have you started looking for a wig yet?"

Yup, sounds pretty fucking awful, doesn't it?

Captain Asshole.

4. Do you know what you did?

Fuck you! Firstly, you judgemental prick, who the fuck are you to automatically assume that the person who just got booted did something to deserve it? Did you see me swinging from the chandelier at the Christmas party without pants? Did I start to randomly knock computer monitors off people's desks? You know, nothing makes a recently unemployed layoff feel better than a sweaty ball sack sending him on a guilt trip. No, fucker, I didn't do anything to justify this layoff. But, I can tell you what I'm about to do.


5. You're not unemployed, you're FUNemployed.

Holy rotting whale shit, shut the fuck up! This is another example of the overly optimistic pansy ass dipshits attempting to turn a frown upside down. Whoooooooooooo!! FUNEMPLOYED!!

What the fuck does that even mean? Unemployment is a vacation without money and health insurance? It isn't "funemployment" unless you're a shit grinning 21 year old college kid. "Oh damn, I don't have a job this summer. Might as well bum around Europe until next semester." When you're over 30, married, have kids, or are responsible for other money sapping needs, it's not funemployment. It's plain old punch in the balls unemployment. Take this cutesy phrase and shove it up your ass.


6. Have you filed for unemployment yet?

There are still people out there who have a hard time gripping with the concept of getting free money for not working. Free money that is a pittance of what they used to make. They're called men. Look, I'm not saying that collecting unemployment is wrong or it makes you weak. All I'm saying is that it's a hard thing to do. It's hard to admit that you need assistance and you feel like shit doing it. It's an emotional roller coaster people have to ride in their own way. So, keep your fucking prying questions to yourself, fuck face.

How about a few more personal questions? Have you taken care of those hemorrhoids? Has your husband stopped cheating on you? You've been married for ten years, you guys gonna have kids yet? If thoughts could kill, the heads of these fucktastic wondertards would explode.


7. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Another wishy washy bullshit optimistic saying. Thanks for the advice. What if life gives you shit? Should I make a shit sandwich?

It's easy to see the upside when you're looking from the outside. Guess what? There are times to give pep talks and times to shut the fuck up and let the poor bastard that got shit canned bitch. Fuckers that utter this aggravating axiom come off as preachy dicks. It's right up there with "You have to get back on the horse." How about I get back on your mom?

Think back to when you lost a job out of no fault of your own. Did you want some smiling jackhole doling out sugary advice like crystal meth at Andre Agassi's house in the late 90's? Probably not. In fact you would probably give that person a healthy dose of fuck you.

"But Roode, these people are only trying to give words of encouragement to the unfortunate. What sort of ungrateful prick would throw it back in their face?" Me. You know why? It's my fucking right! No one who was kicked to the curb is obligated to listen to this shit. No one is obligated to spout it, either. There are some sympathy whores out there, sure. But, I think the vast majority consider this a personal problem and have the right to treat it as such. How would you like it if we were to give you advice on your erectile disfunction in line at the store?

Sincerely,
Roode