Mother fucker! I hate the bullshit stock sayings and adages that accompany every one of life's major events. "They look so happy together." "It is what it is." "There's someone out there for you." "He looks so lifelike." No, assholes: 1) The bride and groom are in matching colors and patterns. That has nothing to do with being happy. In fact, at that given point in time, one of them is having the most miserable time of their life. 2) No shit? It is what it is? What kind of general mouth breathing shit is that? Of course it is what it is. If it wasn't it wouldn't exist. It was what it was. Now this shit is starting to sound like the verbal diarrhea spewed out in the Green Mile or Forrest Gump.
Forrest, shut the fuck up about life being like a box of chocolates.Put razor blades in every third chocolate and THAT would be life.
3) There's someone out there for you? What that phrase neglects to mention is that there was someone out there for Sharon Tate and Kitty Genovese. 4) He looks so lifelike.. really? WRONG! He looks like a mannequin from a department store wearing his clothes. Better hurry, he has to be back at the store by six for the Lands End display. Shit, when did this article turn into a creepier version of Mannequin? That flick was creepy enough.
This dude was actually the only one of the padded room bunch that DIDN'T give children nightmares.
Oh, yes Hollywood (the movie generating location, not the effeminate black guy above holding a fire hose). I know what's going on. You don't think you can get away with this shit without Roode knowing. My network is everywhere. A Mannequin "reboot?" What the hell is wrong with you pot smoking, yerk toting cheeba monkies? Why do you think putting the word "Reboot" allows you the equivalent of a kick ball "redo?" If one of you fuck asses touches the original script for Revenge of the Nerds, the UN will have to send its peace keeping forces here. That shit will not stand! Besides, the concept died in 2006. God was watching our backs.
Perhaps the most annoying and bile spewing axioms, adages, and words of wisdom pertain to just having lost a job. Isn't it bad enough that your company shit canned you, because of the "budget crunch" (although, it is amazing how many directors, VPs, and corporate masters of the universe aren't feeling it personally enough to downgrade their Mercedes).
Do you know how humiliating it is to keep driving the 2009 C63 whenthe 2010 3000 SL Gullwing is out there?
Neither do I.
It's not enough that you have to clear out your office with Monty from security watching to make sure you don't take company staples. Hey, Monte, eat a dick! I think the ultimate kick in the jewels is A) most companies drag you down dead man's alley in what could only be described as a depressing funeral march and B) It's no fucking secret what's about to happen, yet they still treat you like a retarded kid with a spork at the school picnic. You saw the writing on the wall. it said "Bend over sucker, you're going to get a nice, brutal corporate ass pounding." You, then go to the room of death where they tell you of their woes and heartaches. How hard it was to make the decisions they made... for
THE GOOD OF THE COMPANY
(I think trumpets sound every time an executive says those words).
FOR THE GOOD OF THE COMPANY! Oh yeah, Petey, your ass is fired.Clean out your office in the next five minutes.
I'm sorry, this all sounds so personal. Bing-fucking-go! It is. I joined the United States' ever growing club of poor sons-a-bitches laid off. I even got the "it's not you, it's me" speech. For the sake of keeping my ass out of jail, I won't mention my ex-employer (hey, did you know THE STATE is available on DVD? I just might get THE STATE for my brother. He loves THE STATE.).
I can't seem to find the MTv logo for THE STATE. So, please enjoy this map of a far less funny STATE. STATE!The real tragedy is that 50% of the FWTC "writers" are looking for work. Don't get me wrong, coming up with material for this site is work, but it doesn't pay. Not unless you call it a church and build a tax shelter from it. Shit. That's a good idea. Nevermind. Forget I said that.
Making sure to add a copious amount of salt to the wound is the gaggle of home-spun wisdom chattering fuck-a-ninnies. The words of sympathy really aren't that at all. It' more like an effort to make themselves feel better by filling the air with hollow encouragement. They sort of feel bad that your ass was canned, but they're plenty happy it wasn't them. Sure, I can identify with that. It's the roll of the dice; the brains and workhorses of the organization are dropped like a bad habit, but the yes-men and brown nosers are secure. Fine. Whatever.
It's awkward enough seeing a former co-worker while you're buying Penthouse and Thunderbird at the gas station. Just nod and move on. There is no need to fling empty words of encouragement like shit in the monkey house.
Have a nice, big, steaming pile of empty gesture.Over the past few weeks, Tresckow and I have compiled a short list of the most asinine job loss axioms uttered out loud by half hearted, empty headed ass clowns. I just wrote about it first. Eat it, Tresckow!
1. I'm sure it's for the best. Everything happens for a reason.
Who the fuck are you to determine that? You know when it's the best thing for someone who was just shit canned? Finding another job that doesn't involve a paper hat. I WILL determine if being thrown away like a used tampon was for the best. YOU just sit there and shut the fuck up and know that you're probably next.
And how about that other chestnut of wisdom? Everything happens for a reason? No shit. Everything does. Wow, we've reached common ground. But, that mushy, sappy double speak gibberish isn't meant to instill hope. It's a half assed attempt to justify reality. "Gee, Joe. Why did the Japs have to bomb Pearl Harbor and kill all those sailors?" "I don't know, Bob. Everything happens for a reason." BULLSHIT! "Mien Heir, why must we exhume and then burn all the corpses from the Warsaw Ghetto massacre?" "Hauptmann, everything happens for a reason." Shit, I guess "Everything happens for a reason" justifies a fist in the face to the next fucker I catch uttering those words. Let's distill this bullshit milkshake down for you. If "everything happens for a reason" find the fucking reason and shove its head in the toilet!
Rationalize this, "Reason!"
2. I've been there.
Wow! That's great! You've been there. Where are you now? Employed by the same organization that performed a job-ectomy on ten friggin staff members?
"I've been there" doesn't help. Alright, it kind of does if the person on the other side of the conversation is a mentor or, at least, someone you don't have an urge to hit with a hammer. But, when it's some jackass glad-hander spitting out the words they have no meaning. "I've had the clap" is just as thoughtful.
Does telling you I've been there make the burning itch go away?
3. Are you checking the unemployment section/
Have you started applying for jobs yet?
Seriously? Who the fuck do I look like? Norm Peterson? Am I the overweight, lovable alcoholic who revels in his unemployment? No, I'm the jacked up, hateful alcoholic turbo pissed about not having a steady income. How does the same type of question sound in other areas of life?
4. Do you know what you did?
Fuck you! Firstly, you judgemental prick, who the fuck are you to automatically assume that the person who just got booted did something to deserve it? Did you see me swinging from the chandelier at the Christmas party without pants? Did I start to randomly knock computer monitors off people's desks? You know, nothing makes a recently unemployed layoff feel better than a sweaty ball sack sending him on a guilt trip. No, fucker, I didn't do anything to justify this layoff. But, I can tell you what I'm about to do.
5. You're not unemployed, you're FUNemployed.
Who the fuck are you to determine that? You know when it's the best thing for someone who was just shit canned? Finding another job that doesn't involve a paper hat. I WILL determine if being thrown away like a used tampon was for the best. YOU just sit there and shut the fuck up and know that you're probably next.
And how about that other chestnut of wisdom? Everything happens for a reason? No shit. Everything does. Wow, we've reached common ground. But, that mushy, sappy double speak gibberish isn't meant to instill hope. It's a half assed attempt to justify reality. "Gee, Joe. Why did the Japs have to bomb Pearl Harbor and kill all those sailors?" "I don't know, Bob. Everything happens for a reason." BULLSHIT! "Mien Heir, why must we exhume and then burn all the corpses from the Warsaw Ghetto massacre?" "Hauptmann, everything happens for a reason." Shit, I guess "Everything happens for a reason" justifies a fist in the face to the next fucker I catch uttering those words. Let's distill this bullshit milkshake down for you. If "everything happens for a reason" find the fucking reason and shove its head in the toilet!
Rationalize this, "Reason!"2. I've been there.
Wow! That's great! You've been there. Where are you now? Employed by the same organization that performed a job-ectomy on ten friggin staff members?"I've been there" doesn't help. Alright, it kind of does if the person on the other side of the conversation is a mentor or, at least, someone you don't have an urge to hit with a hammer. But, when it's some jackass glad-hander spitting out the words they have no meaning. "I've had the clap" is just as thoughtful.
Does telling you I've been there make the burning itch go away?3. Are you checking the unemployment section/
Have you started applying for jobs yet?
Seriously? Who the fuck do I look like? Norm Peterson? Am I the overweight, lovable alcoholic who revels in his unemployment? No, I'm the jacked up, hateful alcoholic turbo pissed about not having a steady income. How does the same type of question sound in other areas of life?
- At a funeral for a co-worker's spouse: "Have you started looking for another wife yet?"
- Missing child: "Have you started looking for a replacement kid yet?"
- Chemo patient: "Have you started looking for a wig yet?"
4. Do you know what you did?
Fuck you! Firstly, you judgemental prick, who the fuck are you to automatically assume that the person who just got booted did something to deserve it? Did you see me swinging from the chandelier at the Christmas party without pants? Did I start to randomly knock computer monitors off people's desks? You know, nothing makes a recently unemployed layoff feel better than a sweaty ball sack sending him on a guilt trip. No, fucker, I didn't do anything to justify this layoff. But, I can tell you what I'm about to do.
5. You're not unemployed, you're FUNemployed.
Holy rotting whale shit, shut the fuck up! This is another example of the overly optimistic pansy ass dipshits attempting to turn a frown upside down. Whoooooooooooo!! FUNEMPLOYED!!
What the fuck does that even mean? Unemployment is a vacation without money and health insurance? It isn't "funemployment" unless you're a shit grinning 21 year old college kid. "Oh damn, I don't have a job this summer. Might as well bum around Europe until next semester." When you're over 30, married, have kids, or are responsible for other money sapping needs, it's not funemployment. It's plain old punch in the balls unemployment. Take this cutesy phrase and shove it up your ass.
6. Have you filed for unemployment yet?
There are still people out there who have a hard time gripping with the concept of getting free money for not working. Free money that is a pittance of what they used to make. They're called men. Look, I'm not saying that collecting unemployment is wrong or it makes you weak. All I'm saying is that it's a hard thing to do. It's hard to admit that you need assistance and you feel like shit doing it. It's an emotional roller coaster people have to ride in their own way. So, keep your fucking prying questions to yourself, fuck face.
How about a few more personal questions? Have you taken care of those hemorrhoids? Has your husband stopped cheating on you? You've been married for ten years, you guys gonna have kids yet? If thoughts could kill, the heads of these fucktastic wondertards would explode.
7. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Another wishy washy bullshit optimistic saying. Thanks for the advice. What if life gives you shit? Should I make a shit sandwich?
It's easy to see the upside when you're looking from the outside. Guess what? There are times to give pep talks and times to shut the fuck up and let the poor bastard that got shit canned bitch. Fuckers that utter this aggravating axiom come off as preachy dicks. It's right up there with "You have to get back on the horse." How about I get back on your mom?
Think back to when you lost a job out of no fault of your own. Did you want some smiling jackhole doling out sugary advice like crystal meth at Andre Agassi's house in the late 90's? Probably not. In fact you would probably give that person a healthy dose of fuck you.
"But Roode, these people are only trying to give words of encouragement to the unfortunate. What sort of ungrateful prick would throw it back in their face?" Me. You know why? It's my fucking right! No one who was kicked to the curb is obligated to listen to this shit. No one is obligated to spout it, either. There are some sympathy whores out there, sure. But, I think the vast majority consider this a personal problem and have the right to treat it as such. How would you like it if we were to give you advice on your erectile disfunction in line at the store?
Sincerely,
Roode
No comments:
Post a Comment