Twat?

Since you're all missing out on the fabulousness that is me on Twitter, I thought I'd bring some samples of my awesomeness to you here, where you also never read. Merry Christmas to you! Now you can't say I never gave you anything.




no man can make you feel inferior without first dropping his pants and showing you that he has a bigger penis.

I've been thinking about organizing a Twitter Tea Party. Not for political reasons. I just like tea and I don't want to drink alone.

We could all use a little phone porn. Try saying that 10 times fast - "phone porn phone porn phone porn ..."

Why is it that all the drunk driving commercials only show white males as drunk drivers? Is it OK for women and black people to drive drunk?

I DO like strippers pretending to be in the army! Thanks!

@KhloeKardashian You guys live in a dangerous neighborhood or something?

Truth and logic never stopped a politician reaching for money and power before.

I still remember when they were screaming about a coming ice age. Then global warming. Now the excuse is "its both."

There's nothing sexier than a woman with Cheeto dust down her cleavage.

I can't understand foot fetishes. And I really don't grasp shoe fetishes. To me, that's like getting off to a really good set of car tires.

Do you think the Democrats in Washington D.C. who insist we all believe in global warming are baffled by the snow blanketing their city?

I can't even get a girl reaction in Hooters. How very, very sad is that?

Congress' only purpose these days is to serve as a warning to other nations and future civilizations not to do as we have done.

If a man is alone in the woods when he farts, will he still laugh?

Why do people keep giving me such odd looks when I tell them what I want for Christmas? What man doesn't want a blow job? It's perfect!

Why do feminists never encourage men to hire more hookers, thus transfering all of our wealth to women one poke at a time? Its so logical!

If paying higher taxes is patriotic, isn't ditching work to sleep late a "green" thing to do?

Only just now discovering that classical music is much better for falling asleep to than heavy metal. Who knew?

The bed is calling me, but next to it is a book which I know is going to win out. Why can't it count as sleep to lie in bed reading?

Pioneers, oh pioneers, have you your condoms? Have you your birth control pills, oh pioneers?

NCIS LA - because you can't make enough new versions of Miami Vice to satisfy the truly shallow among us.

How 'bout them Cowboys .... sucking

I wonder if I could fart whenever I wanted to, if I could suck my own dick, if I could have sex with all those women that Tiger is said to have, would I really want to? These are the mysteries of life.

Reality TV is shittier than regular TV. There, I said it. Now the secret is out.

I've just won a Nobel Peace Prize. It was in a box of Cracker Jacks. Awesome!





And now for some really, really stupid people ...