Sing Songy Commercials That Inflict Ear Syphilis

By, Roode

Thank fuck for digital recording technology. Otherwise, we would actually have to watch shitty commercials like animals. I don't need some hairy sacked douche bag yelling about his low, LOW priced car inventory. The last thing I needs is an asshole "casually" having a conversation with some other asshole about the side effects of the newest birth control pill or cholesterol miracle drug. By the way, shit stains, even the deaf can tell your commercials are painfully and unskillfully dubbed.

Even Helen- fucking- Keller would notice your shitty voice overs.

Sometimes you can't or don't want to record a show before you watch its prime time goodness. Maybe I want to watch TNA Impact or Hell's Kitchen in real time. A man can't wait to see Sons of Anarchy. We have to see that shit as soon as it's on. There's no way I can watch that show after Tuesday without that rowdy drunken Mick, Ren, fucking up the entire story line the next day.

This is MY America's Next Top Model, bitches.

To spell it out, there are times we have to watch the commercials. Sure, we can get up and grab a beer, take a piss, or punch a midget in the face, but that shit always takes longer than you expect. That fucking midget starts running around, you have to corner him, hit him at least 20 times with a sawed off pool cue... it's fucking time consuming. "But, Roode, if you have a DVR you can just rewind to the beginning of the scene." I hear you. Fuck off. I don't roll that way. It fucks up the timing of whatever is set to record next and it will cut the episode off with 2 minutes to go. I can't go through that shit anymore. I'm running out of money to buy replacements for the TV's I shoot, Elvis style.

My wife isn't a big fan of gun play in the house for some reason.

During those times we're forced to watch the commercials, one type, above all others will make your ears bleed. These commercials will burrow their way into your cerebral cortex and drive you batshit, banana sandwich insane. I'm talking about those fucking sing-songy commercials some of these wondertard companies use to subject us to aural rape. Festering piles of giraffe shit like:

Subway and their "Five Dollar Footlongs" crimes against humanity

Ever have a song stuck in your head for hours? How about for days? Sucks, doesn't it? It's bad enough when it's just the chorus of Great White's "Once Bitten Twice Shy" train wreck of a song. It reaches suicidal proportions when the song stuck in your head ceaselessly rants about shitty subs with room temperature meat at the nut busting price of $5.

The jingle never ends. It stays with you long after the boob tube throws us another shameless, sewer rat sucking sales pitch. That's their plan. They want to reduce the viewer into a drooling, shit flinging mess. We need it to stop. We'll do anything for it to stop! I'll buy a fucking crate of fecal-tastic footlongs if you just give me my mind back!



What the fuck are the people in this commercial doing? Why is a cop stopping some chick on the street to show her the size of his schlong? Tell me what a $5 footlong has to do with the weather? Why the fuck is the weather lady interrupting the forecast for this shit? I can't get a flight attendant to get me a fucking can of Coke, but sure as balls the one in this commercial is spontaneously demonstrating a Subway footlong with her hands. Hands that should be showing the passengers where the emergency exits are. Nice job, bitch. No one is going to know where the fucking exits are when that plane crash lands in the Andies. Happy? You've killed them all!

We're pretty sure this Asian chick is asking the rampaging
Godzilla- type monster about the size of his radioactive wang.

Keep in mind that a "foot" to him is half a football field long,
before you do any sort of interspecies boot knocking.

This commercial is multiplying like rabbits on Spanish fly. First, there was one annoying ass bit where the loser (and presumably smelly) band is hanging out at the lead singer's shitty house. He's bitching and moaning about not getting a pre-nup or some shit. He's an asshole, that's all you really need to know. Later, another commercial shows these yeasty fucks jammed into a little hatchback, where... the lead singer is bitching about his inability to purchase something better; like a Volarie or a Yugo. Next thing you know, these asshats are singing in a Long John Silvers, then at the goddamn Renaissance Faire. The motherfucking RENAISSANCE FAIRE!

Oh, how I hate these fuckers.

I'm not the only one that wants to ship these piss stains to a Turkish prison. There's a website devoted to hating these leaky sphincters, appropriately named, I Hate the Free Credit Report Guys. The writer brings up a very interesting point. In the "bitching about my wife and all her bad credit" commercial the singer's old lady can be plainly seen throughout this musical holocaust. Then, POOF, no more. We don't see her again in the subsequent commercials. What happened to her? Did her bad credit make the fucker snap? Did the band bludgeon her to death with bricks? Is she in the drummer's freezer? That son-of-a-bitch has the look of a fucknut that would cram a woman in his chest freezer and feast on her gooey gooey insides over the winter months.

Ignore the muffled screams. They'll stop eventually. Then we'll have chili!

The RENAISSANCE FAIRE!

If ever there was a musical commercial that should get the death penalty, it's this bastard. In the same vein as the Free Credit Report.com commercials, the Safe Auto people follow the same mantra:
1) Come up with a jingle that will make people want to set their heads on fire. 2) Hire a corny, talentless, overly (and impossibly) enthusiastic group to mutilate music in its past, present and future forms. 3) Hammer the fuck out of it! It's the same theory Soviet re-education camps followed in the cold war.

Just like the Soviet re-education camp in Red Dawn, but without the charm and value of human life.

*Note* Don't think I don't know about Hollywood's latest plan to slash and burn Red Dawn with a remake in 2010. Another classic from my youth pissed all over by jackasses who wouldn't know an original idea if it bit their dicks off. Good job!

Just mentioning Safe Auto fills my head with their shit grinning theme song. NO ONE is that fucking happy about the prospect of buying auto insurance. The commercials always depict some window licker who either forgets to get car insurance or just lets it lapse and hopes for the best. We shouldn't be helping these jackholes. We should be stoning them. These are the nutless wonders that hit my truck. No insurance? Fuck you!

If a happy-go-lucky a cappella group or thrown together "band" isn't bad enough, these monsters are airing commercials with your average Joe and Jill six pack singing the tune. That's even worse. Why are the cops in this commercial just taking this? If there was ever a case for a justifiable beating, it's when some prick starts singing the Safe Auto jingle while waving around his insurance card like a pretentious cock.


Take out the night sticks, guys! Taser the fuckers until you smell bacon!

Hey, assholes. I'm only going to buy my car insurance from one company.

That's right. I'm still stuck on the whole animated chick banging thing. That shit doesn't go away.

Sincerely,
Roode