HLN - Hysterical Lesbian Network

Once a week I meet some college friends for lunch. Almost every time we eat, we go to the same restaurant. I don't recall who chose it or why, but now we seem to be stuck with it.

Every time we go to this restaurant, the TVs, which are in every corner, are blasting the news. But it's not just any news. It's not even real news. No, it's CNN's HLN, and it's annoying as all hell.

HLN is the network I've been slamming on all year for talking endlessly about Octomom, where's Haleigh, where's Caylee, where's Bailey, where's that girl who disappeared in Mexico whose name I can't even remember but I think it rhymed with 'Haylee' too. It's all they ever talk about.

There are piles and piles of interesting crime stories involving men and boys being slaughtered and Tasered and tortured, but to the folks at HLN those stories don't even exist. No sir, in amongst the thousands of male victims of violent and vicious crimes, including sex crimes, is a lone female, either very young and pretty or all grown up and hot. And it is her story that must be told!

Sex offenders kidnap, torture, rape and kill countless little boys each year in the United States, and countless not-so-cute little girls, but for a year all we heard about was one missing cute little girl. The next year it was another missing cute little girl. This past year has been huge for HLN. A couple of cute little girls have turned up missing - Bonus! You can get hysterical over it when they're cute. Not so much when they're ugly or male.

And it is all-they-talk-about day after day after day after day.


Caylee's hot murdering mom, Casey

When the just-retired NFL quarterback, Steve McNair, was murdered by his crazy girlfriend, it was as clear a case of domestic violence as anyone could ask for. After all, isn't Oprah always saying a 'partner' who hits will eventually kill? Yeah, so this man was murdered by a psycho girlfriend. What greater abuse is there than murder? Great domestic violence story, right?

Wrong! They didn't even mention it. They were too busy hating on Octomom.

But right this moment they're talking about OJ Simpson. Remember OJ? Fifteen years ago he killed his ex-wife. Fifteen years ago! Steve McNair was murdered just this year. Matthew Winkler was murdered by his wife just 2 years ago. But there's no time to discuss either of them because we have to talk about OJ killing Nicole.



HLN anchor Jane Velez-Mitchell was on today talking about the recent case of the missing Yale student, Annie Le, a girl whose murdered body was just yesterday found hidden in a wall in a Yale building. Over the past month there have been countless murders of men in the news, including a man protesting against abortion who was murdered in front of a whole group of high school students. HLN never even acknowledged these cases. And this week all they're talking about all day long is Annie Le.


Annie Le

As I write this, HLN's favorite anchor, Jane Velez-Mitchell is on screaming there is a "war of terror on the women of our society." She has been hysterically screaming that there is a "war on women" in the United States of America ever since they hired her.

She says there is a "pyschological burka" that women in America are forced to wear because men are preying on them constantly and everywhere.

I could not make this shit up. I'm listening to her as I write this. She's crazy and in desperate need of psychological help. Comparing the richest, most powerful women in the history of the world to the impoverished women of various Middle Eastern countries who are forced by law to wear burkas? Comparing the richest, most powerful people in the history of the world, all of whom just happened to be Western women, with some of the world's most oppressed? Can she be serious??? These 'oppressed' women have their own fucking television networks, for Christ's sake!

She's screaming that women are dying in large numbers and insisting that President Obama and our media are silent about it. Seriously?? Our first lesbian president doesn't care about women? Are you sure?? Our Congress passed the very unconstitutional Violence Against Women Act, which was based on the very same hysterical and misandric lies that are being spewed here on HLN and yet despite this violation of the rights of all males she still thinks this? It flies in the face of Reason. It's a giant kick in the crotch to Truth.

Over 80 percent of all violent crimes in America ever since the first day the Feds began keeping track of crime statistics has been crimes against males. Less than 20 percent of violent crimes are committed against women. It has consistently been this way. It will always be this way in this society unless something profound happens that pushes men as a group to truly hate women as a group. What that could be, I don't know, because despite 50 years of screaming hysterical hatred of men coming from American women, American men still love them.

Anyway, it was while listening to Jane Velez-Mitchell that I finally figured out what HLN stands for. It stands for the Hysterical Lesbian Network.

Right at this moment, while I sit here typing, Jane has a panel of 6 women all sitting around screaming hysterically about how this Yale student's death is proof that there is a war on women and that every woman in America is perpetually afraid, constantly in danger, and always men are to blame.

Keep in mind, we don't even know yet who killed the girl. We're assuming it was a man, but they've already made up their minds that it's some kind of rapist serial killer preying on women everywhere.

The high pitched screaming is about to make my eardrums bleed. Jesus, bring it down an octave or three, please!

Now Jane is screaming that women should be marching in the streets, screaming for justice, screaming hysterically because one woman was murdered in the middle of a city with a significant crime problem in which someone dies violently almost every day. But most of those people are male, and of those that are females very few are cute* and compelling like this one. So Jane ignores them.

* I've been to Yale and walked all around New Haven, Connecticut. Trust me, there are hardly any cute women there. In fact, the entire state of Connecticut has a notable lack of attractive heterosexual females. Seriously, it's really noticable.


Jane Velez-Mitchell

So, why is Jane Velez-Mitchell such a hysterical, illogical, unreasonable, screaming, misandric, sexist lunatic?

Well, according to her bio on HLN, Jane is an alcoholic, lesbian, PETA, vegan with a really freaky hairstyle. Or rather, she's a recovering alcoholic, which is to say, you shouldn't invite her out for shots because she'll definitely go and then drink you under the table before plunging her car keys into your throat as she screams "there's a WAR against women, you pig!"

So, that explains A LOT. This woman has severe psychological problems and needs help. Otherwise, she's going to spend the rest of her life screaming in terror at every shadow and imagined phantom with a penis.

On her show tonight she's surrounded herself with 6 other misandric lesbian feminists, none of whom understand anything about male-female relationships, as they repeatedly demonstrate with the ridiculous feminist myths and stereotypes they keep screaming over one another on the air. Apparently being a lesbian feminist is a requirement for being on HLN, but so is a propensity for becoming hysterical and screaming over the top of the other hysterical screaming lesbian feminists sitting next to you. The end result is a high-pitched screamfest in which no one gets a word in edgewise, but there's lots and lots of tension. And there's lots and lots of irrational fear. I guess some people consider 7 shrill women screaming irrationally in terror to be entertaining.

According to HLN, hiring Jane Velez-Mitchell has actually raised their ratings, transforming them from a news network into a network whose only purpose is to terrify women with ridiculous myths about armies of evil, murderous, raping men around every corner and behind every door, always on the prowl. If this is true, then it would seem to play to an old stereotype about women, one which we have all been told again and again is 'chauvinistic' and unfair. The success of the screaming, illogical, irrational, sexist, misandric bullshit that is being promoted by Jane and HLN would seem to indicate that women in general tend to be irrational and hysterical.


Oh no you di'nt!

I'm thinking about this revelation while listening to Jane and her grrlz vomiting tired old feminist bullshit about the boogeyMEN of the world, and I've begun to draw a connection between their illogical and hysterical lies and the illogical hysteria of Oprah, Tyra Banks, The View, the Oxygen Network, the Lifetime Network, CBS, ABC, and pretty much every women's studies book ever written.

What is it about the myth of a war on women that so many women find appealing? Why are they consistently drawn to scary tales of raping devilmen, always purely evil, and angelic women, always purely innocent, with the angelic women helplessly dying in a violent sexual frenzy at the hands of the mythical devilmen and their penises? I mean, we have entire television networks dedicated to this lie. Not just this one, but several. This celebration of irrational fear of males is everywhere. Our law schools are teaching feminist myths in the classroom. From there, these myths are then being written into law based on the feminist myth of the always evil males and always pure and helpless females. Every politician in this country claims the lies are true because to speak the truth and deny it would be political suicide. It would be blasphemy.

Hate sells. Hysterical fears based on ridiculous stereotypes of males brings in the female audiences in droves. Oprah is one of the richest women in the world because of this love of hysterical idiotic bullshit. At what point do women get tired of all the shrill screaming about how evil males are, how innocent and pure females are, and how helpless these rich and powerful women are because of some mythical male conspiracy to keep the women down and rape them? When will Americans finally say "enough of this"? Or will we just keep on until we've burned this country to the ground with our madness?




You know, I started writing this with the idea being just to make fun of HLN and Jane Velez-Mitchell, but after watching her show for the past hour, I honestly feel sorry for her.