Realizations

1. I've come to realize that my chest-size...
is less important than the length of my penis.

2. I've come to realize that my job...
pays less than teenaged girls make for working as strippers.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
I like to imagine cell-phone driver's heads exploding in a ball of fire and blood.

4. I've come to realize that I need...
blow jobs and porn

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
the ability to get throbbing erections at random and totally inappropriate times, like I always did back in high school.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
my 4-year-old great-niece accidentally hits me in the balls in the middle of a crowded restaurant while we're walking to our table.

7. I've come to realize that when I'm drunk...
I still can't dance or sing worth a shit.

8. I've come to realize that money...
can buy hookers and alcohol at the same time!

9. I've come to realize that certain people...
don't appreciate the valuable contribution that hookers offer to society.

10. I've come to realize that I will always...
crap in the handicapped stall whenever it is available.

11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s)....
are all screwed up, too, just in different ways.

12. I've come to realize that my mom...
will never be able to drive or cook very well, and we should all just learn to accept this.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
doesn't float, and I don't care enough to go in after it. BLOOP!

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
I had a stiffer one than I'm likely to have the entire rest of the day.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
I shouldn't have watched porn on Showtime.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking...
about the porn on Showtime.

17. I've come to realize that my dad...
was a good man for introducing me to porn.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on The Blog...
I can waste an entire night without accomplishing one damn thing.

19. I've come to realize that today...
is a good day to moon a cop.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...
I may be in jail for mooning the cop.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...
there will be more cops and strippers and porn.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
lick Jessica Biel and make her call out to "Oh God."

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is...
Barney Frank, while cursing me for calling him an Elmer Fuddling.

24. I've come to realize that life...
is like a box of chocolates. And you can use those chocolates to bargain for sex from a hot woman who likes chocolates, which have somehow been mysteriously injected with tequila.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...
all the hookers were busy with Elvis freaks.

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...
is the sound of hundreds of helpless people screaming in terror at the top of their lungs, begging me to spare their lives. Wait, what were we talking about?

27. I've come to realize that my friends...
used to get laid more than I did back when we were younger.

28. I've come to realize that this year...
I need to make up for those younger years.

29. I've come to realize that my exes...
didn't get along well with my 'Oh's.

30. I've come to realize that maybe I should...
be nicer to strippers, because one day, probably next weekend, I may need them to be nice to me.

31. I've come to realize that I love...
strippers and hookers and tequila.

32. I've come to realize that I don't understand...
why more attractive young girls don't become strippers.

33. I've come to realize my past...
would've been better if it had included more strippers.

34. I've come to realize that parties...
go better with strippers.

35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified...
of hiring a stripper while drunk only to discover that she's a he.

36. I've come to realize that my life...
can be enhanced by liberal doses of strippers and tequila.