The 3rd Degree - Narcissism in a Polite and Blogable form

It's all about me, tee hee!
1. Is anything wrong?
Yes, Office 2007 is a memory devouring, slow as Christmas, annoying piece of shit!

2. Have you kissed anyone at the top of your blogroll?
I can't remember which of us was on top, but even if I could, I'm not telling you.

3. Do you want to go to college?
Again?! Well, maybe if someone else paid for me to get my MBA. And I could sleep with college girls again.

4. How many kids do you want to have?
1 or 2 would be a huge step in the right direction, although there is a black girl in Texas who claims I am the father of all 6 of hers. I don't think they look like me, though. The DNA tests were inconclusive, so whatcha gonna do? Maybe I did it and I just don't recall?

5. Do you have a good relationship with your parent(s)?
It depends on how you mean. Dad is dead, so that can't get any worse. Mom is busy fighting a battle for her life against Evil Sister, so I'm off the radar.

6. What did you do for your last birthday?
I don't recall. Probably nothing. Wait, I went to Rockettown and had a party at Claudia's house. Claudia is cool, which sorta raises the question of what she was doing hanging out with a loser like me.

7. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Jessica Biel. Or maybe that was a dream, in which case, I slept through it.

8. Name something you CANNOT wait for?
The end of the world. That should be pretty damned exciting, don't you think? BAM!

9. The idiot who wrote this forgot to include a question here. What would you like everyone to know about you that wasn't asked?
I am the greatest lover in the entire world. Women should be offering themselves to me and paying for it.

10. Again, idiot forgot to put a question here. Anything else everyone should know about you?
Yes, I carry no cash, but I am armed and often gassy, so even if I don't shoot you, I may blind you with deadly methane gas. So just watch yourself, bucko!

11. Have you ever talked to Tom
Tom Selleck? Yes, I called him up and told him that Jesse Stone character he plays in made-for-TV movies sometimes is a blazing lesbian bulldyke. He didn't appreciate the constructive criticism much.

12. Last thing you ate/drank?
Hershey's kiss and Vodka

13. Are you happy?
No, I'm not one of the seven dwarfs.

14. Why do you blog?
To meet girls without having to pay for it.

15. How much longer do you plan to blog?
I'm almost finished.

16. Who’s making you feel the way you are right now?
I don't see any Taser darts sticking out of my genitals, so it must be ME making me feel this way. I'm tired, but not screaming and bursting into flames. Yep, no Tasers.

17. Why do you respond to these quizzes?
To fill the empty spaces in my life and pretend I matter.

18. Last person to make you mad?
Probably some joker in traffic, although those Celtic Woman girls on PBS can be exasperating sometimes. There is one, though, that I think is hot. She won't return my calls. What's up with that? I thought Irish girls were easy?!

19. Coke or Pepsi?
I don't like to mix soft drinks with my drug habits.

20. Have you hugged anyone today?
Not since this morning. Well, I did mug my cat this morning, but a mug is not the same as a hug really. And you don't so much hug a cat as to wad them up and squeeze till they beg for mercy.

21. How happy are you?
I don't think happy is the right word.

22. How many siblings do you have?
147! Goodnight John Boy. Goodnight Mary Ellen. Goodnight Jessica Biel.

23. Do you have any pets?
I did just mention that cat I was wadding up, right? Yeah, that and one other. Technically the other belongs to the wife, but when they fight she suddenly becomes mine and wants my lap. This, of course, pisses my wife off. Women can be such bitches, even cat women.

24. What's your favorite number(s)?
10,000,000 with a '$' in front of it.

25. What do you do after school/work?
I go to the gym and molest women who have "PINK" written across their asses. Sometimes they give me money afterwards.

26. Do you know how to swim?
Why, are you planning to throw me into a river?
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FRIEND CONFESSIONS

1. Are you jealous of one or more of your friends?
I have no friends. I live in a cave with no cable TV or plumbing. Bums come by and pee in my front doorway. Sometimes I hit them with rocks and steal their shoes. No wait, that was a dream. Nevermind.

2. Have you known any of your friends your whole life?
No, my whole life hasn't happened yet. I've still got a tiny bit more to go. You'll have to catch me just as I'm dying and ask me this in order for me to answer properly. But then, what with me all preocuppied with the dying, I'll probably just tell you to fuck off.

3. Are any of your friends taller than you?
No, I am the tallest man in the whole wide world!

4. Have you ever been ditched by a friend?
Well, if so, they weren't my friend, were they?
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HABIT CONFESSIONS

1.Do you play with things when you get nervous?
What sort of things? Have you been peeking in my windows? Masturbation is perfectly natural, dammit! Sometimes I play with guns when I'm nervous. Don't make me nervous. And stop peeking in my windows.

2. Do you have an odd obsession with knives?
No, I wouldn't say it's 'odd'

3. Do you sleep with the door open or closed?
Cave - no door

4. What is your worst habit?
Crashing my computer and then filing an accident report. The police are getting real sick of it.
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LOVE CONFESSIONS

1. Do you currently like someone?
I like you if you're nice to me. Unless I don't know you at all. Unless you're a hottie, in which case just being nice even without knowing me is good. But I don't like spiders and snakes, and that ain't what it takes to love me, like I wanna be loved by you!

2. Do you want to kill one of your ex's?
No, why kill them after you've already gotten rid of them?

4. Has one of your crushes ever called you self centered before?
Self centered whore? No, I don't believe so. Man whore, but not self centered whore.
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PERSONAL OPINION CONFESSIONS

1. Do you think abortions are horrible?
Well, it wasn't pleasant, but I survived anyway and here I am. I'm not real thrilled about Mom trying to do that to me, though. Good thing she has lousy aim and no skills with tools.

2. You have plenty of secrets?
Just government secrets. The usual stuff
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"HAVE YOU EVER" CONFESSIONS

1. Have you ever fallen UP the stairs?
Yes, my arms pump faster than my feet can climb sometimes

2. Have you ever had a nail fall off?
No, just rip off when Youngest Sister flung the door open and I was behind it in my bare feet, which ended up wedged under the bottom of the door, minus a big toe nail.

3. Have you ever slapped someone across the face?
Um ....... yes, when I was 3. After that I learned to punch. Then the misandric feminists at my school taught the girls to kick and grope, which we quickly adopted, too. After that it was Tae Kwan Do. Then Filipino stick and knife fighting. Now I just headbutt a lot. I guess I'm getting lazy.

4. Have you ever killed anyone?
Who told you about that?! Come here so I can headbutt you.

5. Worn the same clothes for a week straight
Not quite that long, no.
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OTHER CONFESSIONS

1. Do you enjoy drama?
No, please leave it at home. Thanks.

2. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?
Yes, that I am leaving my wife and running away to Australia to marry Steph. It took me weeks of hard work to spread this rumor. I am SO excited! Steph is somewhat less so. I expect I'll be getting some sort of letterbomb any day now.

Pooya! More narcissism from the dredges of my brain, for YOUR entertainment! You're so very welcomed. Please, no applause. Just throw money. Yes, and panties - thanks Sam!