I was "Christmas raped" earlier this month. It was the 2nd week of November and I was in Home Depot. Christmas displays were everywhere. I was looking them over when suddenly I noticed it. Over the sound system, Christmas music. I wanted to scream, "it's November, DAMMIT! It's too soon!" But I didn't. I am the master of restraint, as you all know.
I'm sure everyone has noticed how the antiChrist PC Police won't allow anyone to say "Christmas" anymore, right? Sure, it's universal throughout the western hemisphere. Christmas is merely a 'holiday' in the midst of other holidays and we are all supposed to pretend that we don't know which holiday it is that everyone is out buying tons of presents and trees and ornaments for. You know, because they decorate evergreen trees for Rammadan and Hanukkah all the fucking time, right?
Have you also noticed that now they won't even allow anyone to say "Christian"? No, now the official term for believers in "he who must not be named" is "evangelical". What does this mean, exactly? I mean, you could be an evangelical about anything. I've met evangelical Cubs fans, evangelical boy scouts, evangelical feminists, evangelical socialists, evangelical atheists, and even evangelical NASCAR rednecks who yell at me for owning a Chevelle instead of a Mustang. WTF?
Have you ever seen a young deer try to run across a wet street, only to change his mind and try to go back the way he came right in the middle of the road? He slips and slides all over the place and busts ass. It's funny as hell.
Why are we bothering with all this political campaigning and shit? Am I the only one who knows that Hillary is going to win? And when she stuffs every ballot box in the nation, which she will, no one in the Republican Party is going to have the balls to demand an investigation. Everyone knows it. Why go to all of this trouble? Either grow a pair, or hand her the keys to the front door. And I have news for you anyway, the Clintons had copies made and kept them when they left the first time. So they already have the keys. They're sneaky like that. Bitches don't play by the rules.
How can a woman go from zero to bitch in such a short time? At 5:30 a.m. I was awakened for sex. Fine by me. By 6:30 a.m. it was back to full bitch mode and I was being blamed for everything. How does this work, exactly?
My Wife insisted that I name the Kitten this past weekend. He hasn't had much time to prove his personality to us yet and the only distinctive thing about him, other than being wild and playful, is that he stinks. So, at her insistence, I named him "Stinky." She was unhappy with this. So I suggested "Stinkbutt." Again, she was dissatisfied. Yet it was she who renamed my previous cat to "Booger Bear." She said the name fit him, because sometimes he acted like such a booger, and he looked like a bear. Fine, and the name "Stinky" definitely fits this kitten. So what's the problem? At least I didn't name him "Shitty."
Heeeeere Shitty Shitty Shitty!
They tell me I need a copy of my birth certificate with an original seal stamped on it in order to get my passport. I apparently don't have that. I don't know how to get that. This is going to be a pain in the ass, isn't it?
While looking for my birth certificate, I discovered that I have somehow lost the title to the Bananawagon during the move. I can't very well sell the car to the guy who wants it without that title. Dammit! Where is that damn thing?
OK, I gotta go pee.
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