INFANT DISCOVERED IN BARN - CPS investigates

INFANT DISCOVERED IN BARN, CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES LAUNCH PROBE
Nazareth Carpenter Being Held On Charges Involving Underage Mother


Bethlehem, Judea - Authorities were today alerted by a concerned citizen who noticed a family living in a barn. Upon arrival, Family Protective Service personnel, accompanied by police, took into protective care an infant child named Jesus, who had been wrapped in strips of cloth and placed in a feeding trough by his 14-year old mother, Mary of Nazareth.

During the confrontation, a man identified as Joseph, also of Nazareth, attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph, aided by several local shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts to take the child, but were restrained and tasored by the police.

Also being held for questioning are three foreigners who allege to be wise men from an eastern country. The INS and Homeland Security officials are seeking information about these who may be in the country illegally. A source with the INS states that they had no passports, but were in possession of gold and other possibly illegal substances. They resisted arrest saying that they had been warned by God to avoid officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly to their own country. The chemical substances in their possession will be tested.

The owner of the barn is also being held for questioning. The manager of Bethlehem Inn faces possible revocation of his license for violating health and safety regulations by allowing people to stay in the stable. Civil authorities are also investigating the zoning violations involved in maintaining livestock in a commercially- zoned district.

The location of the minor child will not be released, and the prospect for a quick resolution to this case is doubtful. Asked about when Jesus would be returned to his mother, a Child Protective Service spokesperson said, 'The father is middle-aged and the mother is definitely underage. We are checking with officials in Nazareth to determine what their legal relationship is.'

Joseph has admitted taking Mary from her home in Nazareth because of a census requirement. However, because she was obviously pregnant when they left, investigators are looking into other reasons for their departure. Joseph is being held without bond on charges of molestation, kidnapping, child endangerment, and statutory rape.

Mary was taken to the Bethlehem General Hospital where she is being examined by doctors. Charges may also be filed against her for endangerment. She will also undergo psychiatric evaluation because of her claim that she is a virgin and that the child is from God.
The director of the psychiatric wing said, 'I don't profess to have the right to tell people what to believe, but when their beliefs adversely affect the safety and well-being of others - in this case her child - we must consider her a danger to others. The unidentified drugs at the scene didn't help her case, but I'm confident that with the proper therapy regimen we can get her back on her feet.'

A spokesperson for the governor's office said, 'Who knows what was going through their heads? But regardless, their treatment of the child was inexcusable, and the involvement of these others frightening. There is much we don't know about this case, but for the sake of the child and the public, you can be assured that we will pursue this matter to the end.'





* sent to me by Maddy

Just Real Quick

Don't - don't you want me
As a Dallas Cowboys fan, I just want to say, any man who comes to a Cowboys game and DOESN'T want to see this, is a blazing homosexual and a shameful excuse for a man. I mean, seriously, what kind of man would rather see a bunch of sweaty guys throwing interceptions than look at Jessica Simpson's hot, authentic, non-silicon, genuine Texas woman body? You fuckers need to grow a pair.


And no, Jessica didn't cause Dallas to lose to Philadelphia last weekend. In case you failed to notice, Dallas didn't exactly shut down Green Bay and they didn't even have Brett Favre or their 2 starting corners, so get the fuck over it and leave the girl alone. Professionals don't lose because a hot girl is in a skybox. But sometimes they lose when their thumb is all hosed up and they can't hold onto the ball. Quit booing the hot chick!


We no boo Jessica
In the United States, we have our police scouring the roads looking to Taser men in the genitals for not wearing seatbelts or raising their voices. We arrest men who go into parks and pay $5 for a blowjob from some homeless guy in Memphis (yes, seriously, yuck.) We use our cops to pimp for female prostitutes, refusing to arrest them, but arresting instead the men who need them and then labeling those desperate men as sex offenders, as if any sex a man has is a crime simply by virtue of the fact that he is a man.

But in China, they have pee parks. Yes, pee parks. I don't know what it is, but perhaps the following photo is an indication?


China - the next great world power?

Down in Australia, apparently they have a tradition of partying like mad throughout the entire month of December, spreading Christmas cheer for a good 30 days instead of just the one. Businesses are hoping to get more productivity out of their lively and fun-loving Aussie employees, so they're encouraging them to drink less and work more. They say it's working and that the annual Christmas partying is now down to about 2 weeks or so. Personally, I think they should leave matters alone and just send free plane tickets to overworked and frustrated Americans who need a good break. Drunken American tourists would spend enough money while down there, drinking and laughing, to more than make up for the lost productivity. Then, when it was all over, we'd pick up our shit and go back home. They call this win-win in the business world. I say the Australian establishment should give it a try. I'll be anxiously waiting for my ticket, bags packed and ready to go.


Ho ho ho, mate!

Wa ha there, Pilgrim