Don't scratch my balls unless you are a close friend, and not even then

So, I'm sick. Again. And this time I have no fucking clue what this is. I feel like I have the flu. But I'm coughing. And my throat feels like I've been gargling with gasoline every morning when I wake up.

On the plus side, I think this toxic sickness has driven the poison ivy right out of me. It just couldn't handle the competition. Pussy!

So yesterday I missed work, being sick and all. I had some important things to do, too. Today I missed half a day of work. I basically had enough time to wrap up a huge project, deal with some emergencies downstairs on "the floor", and update my status report showing that I have finished one giant mother of a task, but not completed another task I had scheduled to be done by today. Awesome. There's nothing quite like the feeling of walking into work to begin a new week and already be behind.



Infiniti G35 vs Nissan 350Z
My nephew has bought himself a new car. He told me it is an Infiniti G35, but when I got in it, it clearly said it is a Nissan 350Z on the back, so I'm not sure what he's talking about. I'm a musclecar man, myself, so I don't actually care - Nissan or Infiniti - I couldn't give a shit. I mean, it's a cool car, and he's having fun tearing around out in the country as far from the cops as possible with his 270 or so horsepower. The car handles like it's on rails. And it damned well better with the ungodly expensive aftermarket rims and tires he's got on the thing, plus lowering the suspension. And he's got speakers in the trunk that point outward to vibrate the trunklid and maximize the enjoyment of whatever tunes he's listening to for everyone else in traffic. I can't say I'm thrilled about that, but as long as I know what car he drives I'll be sure not to put a bullet in it when he pulls next to me in traffic with his stereo thumping and his trunklid buzzing. He's a good kid, after all, and his biological dad was always a putz, so he does the best he can considering. And it is a fun car, which is the most important thing.



Dammit
I hear the USA was eliminated in the World Cup by Ghana. I'm not thrilled that we lost to Ghana. I'd rather we lost to Germany or Brazil. I mean, everybody loses to Brazil, right? But no, we lost to some shithole country out in the middle of nowhere where people have nothing else to do but kick a ball around and elbow each other in the throat while fighting for an advantage. And also, every ref from Africa has sucked donkey balls, so I'm not going to be cheering for Ghana in any of their remaining matches. Not that it matters. Brazil is going to stomp them if they should get that far, shitty refs or no shitty refs.



Al "Happy Ending" Gore
Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore is currently being accused of aggressively sexually harassing a massage therapist that he hired to come to his hotel room and give him a standard massage. He apparently is unfamiliar with regular, ordinary, legal massages and thus assumed she was a prostitute. She, not being a prostitute, but a regular masseuse, assumed that he was not a rapist, but a regular American former Vice President and thus left her pepper spray with the Secret Service agents who would not allow her to have it with her while she was with the former VP. Thus, she was unarmed and greatly offended and frightened by his alleged angry, aggressive advances. Apparently the Clinton Legacy lives on!



Obamunist
It has become evident even to the most militant of left-wing Obama supporters in the financial district that President Billy-boy Obama has absolutely no intention of doing anything to get our economy back on track. Some have even begun to suspect that he is wrecking it intentionally in order to return us to the time of Roosevelt and his Great Depression. Apparently President Obama is under the mistaken impression that "Great Depression" indicates that this was a lovely time of happiness and prosperity for all. Either that or he believes it was a wonderful time to be a Big-Government Marxist who exploits government-created suffering to expand and further empower Big Brother at the expense of The People. Either way, the market is reflecting this awareness as everything I own except gold is taking a giant dive into the shitter. Thanks Barry, you suck.



Twins
President Obama's latest pantsuit-wearing girlfriend, Elena Kagan, is currently lying her ass off in front of the United States Senate. "Oh no, I believe in the Constitution." "No, I never tried to prevent the U.S. military from recruiting on campus at Harvard." "No, I never shit on a copy of the Constitution at an all-grrl 'licking' party in Connecticut while high on meth and Grey Goose." Yeah, whatever. The one thing Kagan can't fool anyone about is that she is clearly the long lost twin of Kevin James. They could be brothers.



Earl no more
Jason Lee, who played Earl on "My Name Is Earl," has a new TV show on. It's called "Memphis Beat" and it's partially filmed in Memphis. Hey, I loved "My Name Is Earl" and I've seen Jason in several "Mall Rats" films, or one. I really wanted to like this show. But so far it's just PC bullshit and boredom. Granted, he has a cool GTO in the show. But other than that, there's nothing. Not one damn thing of any interest to me. If I want PC cops I'll flip over to "CSI" or "Law and Order" or any one of a zillion shitty cop shows on network TV. No thanks.



"Great" meaning "shitty"
Our esteemed teachers union, the National Education Association, a labor union consisting entirely of hippies from the 60s and a few crackheads from the ghetto, has decided that it is imperative for them to send a message to all the children of the United States of America that having friends is bad.

Now hear me out. I know this sounds fucking batshit crazy, but keep in mind, this is America and ... yes, it's fucking batshit crazy.

You see, the thinking here is that kids who have friends, especially 'best' friends, form a sort of clique, sometimes only a clique of two, but a clique nonetheless. And all the fuckwads in the NEA were, not surprisingly, losers and outcasts who didn't have any friends, largely because they were misfits who were lousy friends to the few people who tried to be nice to them. Narcissists tend to be that way, you know, and narcissism is what modern American labor unions and most 'civil rights' groups are all about. It's most certainly what the NEA is about.

So anyway, the Education Establishment has deemed that friendship is bad and must be discouraged. So, along with teaching our nation's children that competition in which there are winners and losers is bad, and that gay sex and bestiality is good, they are now teaching our fatherless, aimless children that forming potential lifelong friendships with their fellow students is also bad, because lifelong friendships cause selfish, me-first, me-only cunts to feel bad about the fact that they don't have any real friends due to their view that other human beings are only there to serve as allies (partners in crime) or targets (victims.) Sociopaths often find it hard to comprehend real friends and true friendships because their personality disorder makes it impossible for them to be a friend except when it serves some alternate, and purely selfish, purpose.

Thus, the message our nation's schoolchildren will be learning in the upcoming school year, along with 'gay is good, God is bad' and 'if someone can win then everyone loses', our public schools will be teaching that friendship is bad and those who form close, healthy, normal friendships with anyone, especially a classmate, are to be despised and shunned, sort of like the Amish do to heretics and unbelievers, or like California and the Federal Government are currently doing to Arizona. In fact, exactly like that.



Hotness
And speaking of personality disorders, Angelina Jolie has a new movie out. She plays a CIA spy who is wrongly accused of being a ... get this ... spy and must spend the entire movie running around in tight black outfits beating up helpless men and generally shooting lots of guns in slow motion while doing gymnastics. I'm sure this will be absolutely nothing like all her other films or anything. Yep.



Not an Obama Czar
So President Obama has bragged openly that he has surrounded himself with more lesbians than any President in history. So fine, he thinks this is something to be proud of. I have to ask, then, based on this assumption of his, where are all the gay men in his cabinet? I mean, if he's so fucking awesome because he's "family" to the gay community, where are all the gay men with positions of power and authority in the White House? Aside from Joe Biden and Rahm Emmanuel I don't know of any. I think someone likes to brag that he's all "tolerant" and shit, but in reality he's only "tolerant" of lesbians whose votes he needs to get his ass re-elected. When it comes to gay men, though, Obama is a flaming homophobe. There, I said it.


Gaybama

Speaking of gay, I was just watching the "gay and lesbian comedy jam" on Showtime. It had an old, old, OLD gay host, Bruce Villanch, who opened up the show with Cher jokes, which were pretty good, leading into 4 comedians, 2 gay guys and 2 lesbians. I have to be honest, the first gay comedian, Alec Maca, was hilarious. And the first lesbian comic, Sandra Valls, was pretty damned funny, too. The 2nd lesbian, Poppy Champlin, was also fairly funny. But the 2nd gay comic wasn't very funny. He asked how many people in the audience weren't gay, and then singled out one straight guy to harass and threaten with rape. Then he made fun of straight people in general, basically insulting over half his audience in a not funny way. Most good comics realize that this is a bad idea, but he seemed clueless. Oh well, 3 out of 4 isn't bad, especially considering that it was on Showtime, which usually just sucks.


Gay Comedy outside of the White House


Speaking of funny, Geico has a new commercial out where they compare their level of honesty to that of former President Abraham Lincoln. Then they show an old film clip of Abe's infamously crazy-assed wife asking him if her dress makes her ass look fat. Abe stands there dead silent for a long time, glancing at her ass and looking uncomfortable. Finally, he says "perhaps a little bit" and she storms off in a rage.

World Cup for My Nuts

Proud of our ties and gay uniforms

OK, so we tied the Brits in World Cup soccer. Fabulous. We've already done better than I predicted. Hey, I never said I could foresee the future in soccer. I can foresee the future whenever any American female sexually assaults or murders an American male (she'll get way with it), but when it comes to sports I'm just guessing like everyone else.


Murder!

I guess we suck, like we have sucked at every World Cup tournament. But maybe I'll be proven wrong this year and our men will hurl themselves to the ground wailing that they've been murdered after someone barely brushes their ankle like world-class Europeans and draw some fabulous, game-winning penalty shot opportunities, eh? And then we'll finally be proud, proud of grown men throwing themselves down and crying even though they aren't really hurt, because that's how soccer is played. Which explains why we Americans like American football better. The only players in American football allowed to throw themselves to the ground and cry are the kickers, and no one respects the kickers. Because all NFL kickers are former soccer players, and this marks them for life as girlie men.


Dive like a little bitch

I don't even watch soccer anymore. I used to play, and when I played I liked to watch it. I learned things from watching the pros play. I learned that I and my team sucked real bad compared to the pros. I also learned that I was doing everything wrong because I had never thrown myself to the ground in a shameless attempt to draw a penalty.


Very fancy dive

But today, if I watch soccer it just reminds me of why I quit playing. It reminds me of a cheap kick to the groin that put me in the emergency room. It reminds me of a kick that tore my knee and sent me to the emergency room before the groin kick. It reminds me of a kick to my leg while I was laying on the ground that tore my knee and sent me to surgery after I figured out that I wasn't going to be able to 'shake it off.' It reminds me of a player who kicked me for the hell of it as I was running past him, causing me to land on my shoulder and rip it apart in the turf as he threw himself to the ground and cried like a bitch that he'd been pushed, which he had not. The ref stopped them carrying me off the field to the hospital to give me a yellow card. I shit you not.


Wait, I want to give him a penalty before he gets to surgery


Soccer reminds me of hospital emergency rooms and surgeries and pains I still have with me to this day and will probably have for the rest of my life. And it reminds me of pussies who throw themselves to the ground and cry like bitches in the hopes that the ref will see their tears and give them a free penalty shot which they don't deserve instead of giving them a red card for faking an injury, like the rules specify, forcing their team to actually play the fucking game and rely on their athletic ability and manhood to win the game instead of their ability to bitch and cry like fucking babies.


Nobody dives better than Italy

Watching soccer today reminds me of elbows to the throat by Iranian assholes on my own team who just want to see how many people they can hurt and don't really care about the ball or the game itself. It reminds me of Mexican players who can't speak English and listen to German polka music at deafeningly high volume out in the parking lot prior to every game. It reminds me of a Korean player on my team who got kicked in the knee, destroying it, by a Palestinian player who couldn't beat him, so he just decided to eliminate him from the game completely. It reminds me of Nigerian players who threaten everyone and constantly try to pick fights, but run like scared children when the fighting actually begins for real. It reminds me of an all-black team from Memphis who spent more time complaining that the refs were all racists than they ever did actually playing the fucking game. It reminds me of a fat old guy who no longer had any skill, so he relied instead of kicking the other players in the groin every chance he got in order to gain an advantage over them. Whenever anyone touched him, or punched him in his fat face, which we did, he screamed and cried like the fucking no-talent fairy that he was, only to return the next week for another game and do it all over again because that shit is what he lived for.


Our uniforms look gay

Watching soccer today reminds me of a lot of bad times in sports. It reminds me of all the bad people who let out their pent-up hatreds and frustrations from their shitty lives the second they set foot on that field, not caring the least bit about the game itself, but prefering instead to see how badly they could hurt other people, how many men they could assault before being kicked off the field so they could go to the bar after the game and brag to their fat, drunken girlfriends about how the other guy had it coming and "did you see what I did to him? It was awesome when you could hear his leg actually crack." And their fat, alcoholic slutty girlfriends ooh and ah and admire them for being total assholes, only to run screaming from them years later because they are such total assholes.

How could she have known, right?


Bust his balls!

I remember plenty of games where everyone tried to play by the rules, the most skilled players scoring goals, not by crying and throwing themselves to the ground, but by simply using their superior skills to place the ball in just the right spot in the goal so that no one could stop them, the best defenders stopping offensive attacks, not by elbowing the other player in the throat, but by simply stealing the ball from them legally and running away with it. I remember plenty of good games with good people and good players. But as each year went past, those games seemed fewer and fewer, and the nasty games and dirty players seemed more and more, until finally I decided that my local hospital emergency room nurses knew me far too well, and in fact, knew far too much about our entire league and all our players thanks to our many, many visits.


Welcome to the ER!

Maybe it's my imagination, but in almost every sport I watch lately, whether it's football or basketball or soccer or whatever, I swear it seems like there are more dirty players than there used to be, and the fans are more excited about an NBA player kneeing another player in the balls than they are about a good slam-dunk or a winning half-court shot at the buzzer. We truly don't care that our baseball players use steroids. We truly don't care that our local NFL team's last 2 quarterbacks have either been murdered by their mistresses or they have just been arrested for slugging a stripper in a strip club. We don't care if a boxer bites off his opponent's ear because he's frustrated that he can't beat him fighting straight up. We don't care if the fastest Olympic speed skaters are doped up beyond anything we've seen since the East German women stepped out into Olympic competition looking like the manliest men we'd ever seen many long years ago. We don't care if many of the games are more about playing dirty than about winning. We don't care if every single ultimate fighter in the cage is clearly using a shitload of drugs to build up his muscles, just so long as he smashes the other guy's face in and smears his blood all over the octagon. We don't care if little boys are looking at this and learning that what we expect of them in order to recognize them one day as real men is that they simply hurt every other boy and any girl who gets in their way as badly as possible and preferably while we watch and cheer and rewind it so we can watch it again and again.


Back when hitting the quarterback in the head was mandatory

This is no doubt a trend. I've read books by NFL players from back in the '60s and '70s which detailed horrific things they'd done or seen done or had done to them in an age when professional football was dirtier than today's ultimate fighting and shortened a man's lifespan by a good 20 years. I didn't see those games or those men play. I guess I first saw sports on TV in the period just after, when rules were put into place and enforced to try to clean things up. I must've just discovered sports at the start of a new era of cleaner, nicer playing, during an era when most of the players grew up with fathers who taught them what it really means to be a man, and it had nothing to do with how many people you can hurt just for the hell of it. I'm not comfortable with this new era of fatherless boys who truly earn the label of 'bastard' when they step out onto the field.


Never knew his daddy


And I have equal disrespect for the men who step onto the world's stage of World Cup soccer, only to flop down onto the grass the instant an opponent brushes past them, screaming "ref, ref, I've been murdered!" while crying like bitches.


Kiwis vs Slovakia for the tie

Now, having said all that, I'm probably going to go home after work, turn on the TV, and watch a whole bunch of World Cup Soccer. I'll most likely ignore everything I've just said here and make a complete hypocrite of myself, which should shock no one. The fact is, World Cup players are better than most players and certainly better than any player I've ever played against. The diving drives me up the wall, and I know some teams truly are dirty bastards. But when the game is played right, the way it should be, and dirty players are thrown out of the game, while fairies who dive are booed and shamed for their princess drama tactics, it can be pretty damned exciting.


Frustrating loss for the Aussies

And sometimes, when the games are really close at the very end, and someone scores a last second winning goal, I may even get excited and shout at the TV.


This woman was never at any of my games