Showing posts with label snapper. Show all posts
Showing posts with label snapper. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Tuesday Teutonics

"The main part of intellectual education is not the acquisition of facts, but learning how to make facts live." - Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr




I've had a few dreams about my father lately. Since his death, every dream seems to feature him younger and healthier. It's as if he's aging in reverse now. Looking at the world today, and all the battles taking place, especially here in the U.S., I can't imagine having grown up without him and all the things he taught me. I know it's politically incorrect to say, but single mother households can never take the place of a home with both a mother and a father. There are things my father taught all of us that my mother simply never could. These days I'm having to teach her, as she is becoming slowly aware that the knowledge he had and the things he knew are now things which she must learn in order to make her way through this latest political turmoil. She is lost.

I can often tell the men I meet who grew up without their fathers. I can tell the difference. It's in the things they don't know, the voids in their knowledge and maturity, and the odd sort of way that they look at things. I feel bad for them and how hard life is for them. They are handicapped, whether they know it or not, through no fault of their own.



"I would never have amounted to anything were it not for adversity. I was forced to come up the hard way." - J.C. Penney




Where has the once oh-so-urgent issue of Gay Marriage gone now that the pro-gay Democratic Party has complete and total control of the U.S. Government? It's almost as if the entire issue has simply disappeared overnight. There is not one word about it in the news, the papers, the magazines, anywhere. It's just GONE.



"The world owes all its onward impulses to men ill at ease. The happy man inevitably confines himself within ancient limits." - Nathaniel Hawthorne




The self-titled "Secular Progressives" are shocked and alarmed at the "Tea Party" activists who are demanding that their representatives actually listen to them and represent them, rather than doing like they've done in recent years past, ignoring the clearly stated will of The People along with their needs and desires. All the violence and openly declared bigotry of the progressive protesters (Prop 108 attacks on blacks and Christians, for example) has been instantly forgotten while Nancy Pelosi and company pretend to be shocked at the way conservative Americans aren't backing down, even when violently assaulted by SEIU thugs and Code Pink extremists. It's a dramatic change, to be sure.

Many of the Republican incumbents, and especially the Republican Party leaders, aren't much happier about it. Their constant betrayal of their voter base and "triangulation" on key issues where a principled stand was required was something they had grown comfortable with. They often found it useful to be free to betray their supporters at any given moment, in the hope of gaining some sort of twisted advantage over the Democrats by hijacking their issues and trying to make those issues their own. In so doing, they lost all credibility and are today paying the price, as their brief hold on power was abruptly taken from them in the conservative revolts in the elections of 2006 and 2008. Now, if they want any of that power back, they have to listen to the very people they discarded and took for granted before. And they don't like it one little bit.

Here's hoping some good comes of all this. Both major political parties have far too many arrogant sociopaths, wealthy and out-of-touch individuals whose only love is power, and who are more than happy to take their respective voter bases for granted. The 'professional politicians' need to go.



"A government is invigorated when each of us is willing to participate in shaping the future of this nation." - Barbara Jordan




I didn't do much of anything over this past weekend. No biker bars or girl-fights or drunken nakedness or anything at all worth noting. I did do a little bit of X-treme lawn mowing, though. It was rad. The grass was totally gnarly and I whacked some wicked weeds on my freshly waxed Snapper.



"The brain is a mass of cranial nerve tissue, most of it in mint condition." - Robert Half




Last week I spent $700 putting new tires on my 4x4. I had no choice. My old tires were threatening to get me killed every time it rained, which it did almost every weekend when I made the 3-plus hour drive between Memphis and my job. I truly feel that those tire salesmen should have at least had the decency to kiss me before they bent me over and mounted those bitches on my truck. I'll bet they didn't even remember my name the next morning. I was just a booty call to them. I feel so cheap. And those tires were so damned expensive. And French. I've got fucking French tires on my truck. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, lately Sarkozy has been a better leader than our own President, so maybe it's not such a bad thing. In so many ways, America is the New France and France is more like America. It's all so damned confusing.



"Would that I could stand on a busy corner, hat in hand, and beg for people to throw me all their wasted hours." - Bernard Berenson




I've noticed that on Tuesday nights there isn't a damned thing on the TV that I care about. I tried to watch "Lost" because my best friend is addicted to it. The problem is, it's one of those shows that you really need to have seen from the very beginning, which was several years ago, in order to have the slightest idea of what is going on. Even among the people who have been watching since the beginning I've noticed that there is a significant level of confusion.

Right after "Lost" is a sci-fi show tailor-made for my personal trainer. It's called "V". For weeks he's been telling me about his belief that all the "white people" are the result of a cross-breeding between "dark skinned people" and space aliens millions of years ago. In other words, he believes that white people are something other than human. Naturally, this is supposed to be a bad thing. Every race wants to believe itself superior to the others, especially to those others who are more successful and dominant. Every sex wishes to believe itself more righteous and pure than the opposite sex, especially if the opposite sex is dominant. In "V", the aliens are lizards, but they hide behind a false human skin. Almost all of them are white. All except one, who is black. But he is a good-guy because he wants to betray the aliens and save the world, so despite being an evil alien, his dark skin has saved him and made him holy and righteous. He has accidentally impregnated a 'dark skinned' woman with a half-alien, half-human child. Sound familiar?

All of the most powerful leaders in "V" are women. The alien leader is a woman. She gets naked a lot. The leader of the human resistance is a blonde woman with a great rack. The men are either white male villains or somehow flawed and/or subservient and weaker than the powerful women.

I tried to convince my trainer that this show was absolutely made for him, but he's a proud cynic and considers himself an intellectual. Anything on TV is no good because ... well, because it's on TV and therefore bad. More than merely bad, it's part of a Jewish plot to control our minds.

I'd go on, but if I did my blog would be flagged by every company in the world as a crazy website that employees aren't allowed to visit, so I'll stop with that. Also, I frequently zone out and don't hear the rest of the very complicated plots and theories and so I might, if I'm not careful, get the many twists and turns involving the Jews, the English Royal Family, bankers, and the Pope all confused.

We wouldn't want that, now would we?

Anyway, here's some music to make you forget that you ever knew about this secret plot to destroy the world. You are getting very sleeeeepy ...

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Thursday Stuff in My Head

At my house, whenever we're opening a brand new package of cookies and putting them into another container, any and all broken cookies must be eaten immediately. It's a rule. Actually, it's just my rule. But you can have a few if you want.


Apparently, you cannot cut a branch off an oak tree with a pair of WalMart clippers. I did not know this and did it anyway. On my third branch I discovered why this might be a bad idea (hint: cheap Chinese crap).


Archaeologists will find this one day and note that we had tools


I am clearly a man of super strength. I managed to shatter that pair of WalMart garden clippers with my great and awesome mightiness. Fear my spectacular strength! Bow to my mighty manly muscles! I am wicked strong! I popped those metal shears into three pieces like a circus strong man. PooYA!


Oh Snap!


Leaving your wife's bow saw out in the backyard the afternoon before a big rain will get you into big trouble

if she ever finds out about it.


I'm a cold-blooded bastard. I stole my neighbors' oak tree. I didn't mean to though. I was out in the woods behind my house checking on my handiwork of the previous day in which I poisoned every damn tree-strangling vine and poison ivy plant I could find. While I was out there, muddling through the forest and dodging snakes, I saw a small oak tree, just about 3 feet tall. I had seen it before, but forgotten about it and perhaps most importantly, forgotten why I never dug it up and moved it. So, I got the shovel and spent a half hour digging that sucker up, being careful to get the big deep taproot that runs way down into the ground. Just as I was finally getting it free from it's rich, fertile home, I noticed that I was about a foot past the property marker between my yard and my neighbors' yard - dammit! Anyway, I planted that sucker in my front yard and filled in the hole where I'd treejacked it. But at some point I may have to go ask them if they're OK with that or if I actually have to give the tree back. I never in my wildest dreams imagined I might one day grow up to become a low-down, dirty tree thief. Momma would be so ashamed.

Dad would be proud, though. He was just always like that. I don't know why.


We hang tree thieves in these here parts


Beavis and Butthead have got nothing on me. I was making my lunch when I noticed the package of meat. It said "fresh smoked turkey breast - shaved". I started giggling. 'Smoked' - 'breast' - 'shaved', huh huh huh, it's all so "American Pie"/Shannon Elizabeth-like. "Be gentle."


Smoked - Breast - Shaved


I discovered an important lesson relating to my awesome Snapper riding mower. Apparently, if a big metal bar falls off of the mower while you're riding it, even though it doesn't seem to affect anything, you might later suddenly find yourself unable to shift into any forward gears. It would be at this point that having the owner's manual with a large diagram showing where all the parts go would come in handy. It's a rare vehicle manufactured these days that comes with any spare and unneeded parts on it. If it was attached at some point, chances are you're going to need it later.


Snapper - some occasional reassembly required


Last night on CBS, I totally skipped "Criminal Minds" because I just wasn't in the mood for more white-male bashing. I love AJ Cook and Paget Brewster, although I'm not thrilled with Paget's new haircut, but I just wasn't in the mood otherwise. I did catch "CSI: NY" afterwards, totally by accident. Guess what? The killer wasn't a white male! No, it was a white female. The VICTIM was a white male. Of course, he had to be a big asshole so we could all feel sorry for the female killer. But even so, this was a huge step forward for CBS. I know it must have been difficult. Who knows? This might even lead to a day when white males on "Wheel of Fortune" don't hit BANKRUPT on every other spin and actually get to play like everybody else. It could happen!

What? You didn't know it was rigged?


Paget's new haircut went unnoticed for weeks


Clay Aiken is in the news. He got a new gay haircut. He says he's not trying to be Justin Timberlake, which is an odd thing to say seeing as no one thinks he looks anything like Justin. Ellen Degeneres maybe, but not Justin.


Clay - not trying to be Justin - or Justin's sister



And now for something completely different ...



Hey, isn't that Kylie and Steph in the center there? ROWR!