Apparently I'm a bad American. I mean, aside from being classified by our cuntvernment as white, male, conservative (compared to Stalin) and heterosexual, I am even more of a bad American by virtue of the fact that I totally blew off President Obama's speech last night. I was busy watching something else. Besides, I've seen enough infomercials for one lifetime and didn't feel the need to watch another. The whistling, hissing, mouth-full-of-marbles way Obama talks drives me insane. If Biden weren't such a total retard, I'd almost rather listen to him. But as he is a retard its best that he keep his mouth shut. Hillary always sounds like she's got a bad cold, or something shoved up her ass, so basically there is no one in this Obama White House who doesn't talk in some annoying manner. As a result, I flipped over to the National Geographic network and watched 3 hours of highly informative programming about drugs and how they affect the users. I think it helped me to better understand our White House, and Washington DC in general, really. Everyone in Washington, according to the programs I saw, is on drugs.
No worries
Smoke too much high quality marijuana and you become paranoid and delusional, believing you can receive secret messages from the American people telling you to invade Libya and cut off our oil supply. You also become highly susceptible to suggestion, such that you'll do whatever the lesbian feminists you surround yourself with tell you to do, and all the while you'll think that their batshit crazy was your very own idea.
I love you, man!
Drop too much ecstasy and your eyes and jaw twitch continuously, like Rahm Emmanuel, while you dance and focus exclusively on a single task, such as preaching about global warming even when all the evidence says it's bullshit, like Al Gore. Facts don't distract you as your brain puts everything it has into dancing to your little tune. You'll dance until you drop, or become mayor of Chicago. You'll also eventually deplete your brain's supply of serotonin, making you feel horrible and nasty, such that you transform from being overly friendly to being an unpleasant person to be around.
I can fucking fly!
Too much cocaine and you deplete your brain's natural supply of dopamine while burning out the receptors for both dopamine and serotonin, so that your brain can't receive it. After too much of this, you end up fried and feeling awful and paranoid, constantly in need of something more just to bring you up to normal again. You seem like a zombie in a perpetual bad mood, like Hillary Clinton or Sonya Sotomayor. Remember Hillary's paranoid delusions of a "vast right-wing conspiracy?" Yeah, that's totally cocaine talking.
I suspect that this depletion of serotonin and dopamine probably explains Speaker of the House, John Boehner, and his perpetual inappropriate crying, too. But I'm so far at a loss to explain those pink ties. Unless its true that the gays have taken over control of the Republican Party, which is entirely possible - even probable.
So enough about that. I didn't watch the speech. There are plenty of people talking about it and I don't feel like I need to repeat what they've said. Besides, I'm a shitty writer, so chances are if I try to repeat what others have written I'll just end up highlighting how inferior my writing skills are compared with everyone else's. Is it "with," or "to?" Compared with everyone else's, or compared to? See, I have no idea.
A man walks into a bar. He says, "Bartender, give me a drink." So the bartender gives him a drink. And that's the way it fucking should be. Word!
Everyone on PBS is gay. There, I said it.
I keep getting migraines in the same side of my head and I'm thinking I need the other side of my head to say "cut it the fuck out!"
Eenie meenie minie moe, catch a politically correct, sensitive, alternate lifestyle, african-american, grrl-power, bitch like its a bad thing, genderless construct by the toe.
I didn't get enough sleep last night and my dreams are funky. And by funky I mean, you don't want to know what I dreamed, but it may have involved one of you and it may have gotten messy.
Isn't it funny how when Bush was president the media compared him to a monkey, but if anyone compares Obama to a monkey they are labeled a racist? And a monkey-basher, too, 'cause he's uglier than most monkeys.
Does anyone really believe that God put men's testicles on the outside of their bodies because he had no choice? I mean, this is God we're talking about. I know they say in church that he's a loving God and all that, but I'm thinking he was really pissed off about something when he did that and he's just never gotten around to admitting he made a mistake. "Dudes, I'm sorry. I was just super angry that day and then I got busy and never got around to fixing that whole 'balls' thing."
If evolution and survival of the fittest were true, is it even conceivable that mammals would have survived at all? Again, I'm talking about the whole testicles on the outside of the body thing, 'cause no way in hell that is going to make it through any 'survival of the fittest' bullshit. Not a chance. Mammals should be extinct.
I get more timely news updates from Twitter than I do from any other source. Sad? Or the wave of the future?
I used to get annoyed at how freely people from other countries would try to tell Americans how we should be running this country (internet geniuses), but then I remembered that billionaires in New York City have been fucking with other countries, their elections and their laws, for years and years. And then I remember that I don't actually have any real say in how this country is run (McCain vs Obama? Seriously? We couldn't find better candidates?) so it doesn't make any difference to me if foreigners think we're idiots (Sarkozy and Merkel) because the real idiots making all the important decisions (George Soros) are fucking with us all, every single one of us, at the same time. We should probably find those people and do horrible unspeakable things to them.
Is MySpace the new mullet? I mean, any time you see some loser walking around wearing a mullet you immediately laugh and feel the urge to tell them the '80s are over. But isn't that the same reaction we have towards people who tell us that we can find them on MySpace and then give us their account name there? Dude, MySpace is over.
I remember seeing a show about how the Japanese had the world's most advanced earthquake resistant buildings. The show was all about how it worked and how cool it was. So now what can we do to make a building earthquake resistant and then ready to withstand a massive tidal wave that floods the entire city right after the quake? It's almost as if the buildings need to sit on top of giant exercise balls and be able to float, while still remaining upright. Maybe we just need to build a big space ship that perpetually hovers above the ground? But then hurricanes and tornadoes would crash them. Remember when I said I thought God was pissed off when he put testicles on the outside of men's bodies? I'm thinking he had this really epic bad day one time and was just so mad that he made all the bad shit at the same time - balls on the outside of our bodies, natural disasters, plagues, mosquitoes, reality TV - and then after that he was just like, "well, I'm not taking it back even if I'm not so angry anymore because Adam disobeyed me and let Eve lead him around by his dick when I specifically told him not to. Fuck it. They can just deal with it." OK, probably he didn't say that, but maybe it was something along those lines.
I recently had penis enlargement surgery. Now its three times bigger, but its shaped like a pretzel. Dammit!
I'm not ashamed of my antique rotary kitchen wall telephone. Sure its a pain dialing long distance, but my battery never runs low, bitches.
I just heard that Microsoft is killing the Zune. And video killed the radio star. Whatever happened to The Buggles?
I got a tank of gas today. It cost me $82. I am not feeling the "hope and change" at all. Just sayin'
Did you know the entire cast of "2 1/2 Men" (except Jake) was in the movie "Hot Shots?"
If Bill Gates controlled Heaven we'd all spend eternity staring at an hourglass.
Free advice from me to you: don't text when you have pee on your hands. You're welcome!
I'm not going to the gym today. I'm going home to sleep for lunch. I'm exhausted. I used to be able to go and go and even if I didn't have enough sleep, which I never did, I could keep going. Not anymore. Now I'm like, "something woke me up at 3 and then I took 30 minutes to go back to sleep. I need those 30 minutes back. I can't function for shit today."
