Streaker Crash

I had all sorts of ideas for blogging today. Naturally, after getting into work and battling my way through a sea of issues and problems, going to the gym for a noon workout in which I humiliated myself as usual, and returning to work for more pirate ship briganding and boarding of problem ships, I have quite predictably forgotten almost everything I wanted to do here today. So let's see what I can manage to dig out of my now very tired brain.


I'm an idiot

I swear I am the clumsiest person on the face of the earth lately. Last week I spilled my beer in a way no other human being could possibly ever do without practicing. I had just walked into the place, gotten a beer, walked over to a table where my friends were, and gone to sit down. I put the beer on the table. Then I went to take off my coat and place it on the back of the booth where we were all sitting. As I moved the coat past my beer, my sleeve magically engulfed the beer, as if I had done it on purpose, and then tipped the beer as I threw the coat onto the back of the seat, turning the bottle completely upside down and filling my coat with the ice cold beer I had just bought and not even taken a sip of yet. My friends were all super impressed.

Before that, I was in another club with a friend. We were talking about something that apparently required hand gestures. As I moved my hands around I batted my own beer right off the table, spinning it through the air like a propeller. In the past 12 months I've done that one at least 3 times, usually spilling it on myself. Once I did it twice in the span of 30 minutes. And no, I was totally sober when it happened. It wouldn't be so bad if I had at least been drunk. Then I would have some sort of excuse.


Worse than spilling a beer was when I whacked my margarita over. It's crushed ice and tequila, you know - very cold. You'd think I were Italian with all the hand waving that I apparently do, except that I never see Italians whacking their drinks off their tables. It's just me.


But he's a bigger idiot than me



VLog

I would like to link as many of the VLogs that all the bloggers I tagged did, as well as the VLogs by the bloggers who comment here. More than that, I'd love to embed the videos into one big post so that we can all watch them back to back, organized by location, to get an idea of how everyone sounds. This is where I wish more of the Canadian bloggers I tagged had participated, as well as some bloggers from South Africa and parts of Europe. I may yet find time to try to do this. We'll just have to see. I hope no one minds if I'm able to do this and I include their VLog on my page. Technically I should probably obtain permission from everyone who's VLog I include, but you know how lazy I am. I probably will just post it and then ask for forgiveness if anyone should be upset and ask me to take theirs down, which I would do if asked.



Ute Sent Me Candy
I won a "caption this" contest over on Ute's blog. As a reward, Ute sent me a huge package of chocolate covered fruits, chocolate covered gummy bears, chocolate covered frogs, strawberry treats and a book about the Southern part of Australia that includes Adelaide, with all the best sights for tourists to come and see while in Australia. It cost her a fortune to send to Memphis from Australia, and was one of the nicest things anyone has done for me in a long while.

Thanks Ute - you are awesome!



Judgment Day

On the Judgment Day, when I stand before God and he asks me to account for my life, I shall tell him, "Lord, I spent my life sitting on front of various PCs staring at the hourglass icon while I waited for the slow pieces of shit to respond to my commands. As the years went by I lost track of just how much of my time it was wasting, until one day, I realized that I had grown old waiting for Microsoft Windows to do what I fucking told it to do 10 minutes before, and then I grew so angry that I had a heart attack and died."

And the Lord will look down upon me and say, "Windows really does suck the big one, that's true. But I gave you a G3 equipped cell phone with most of the capabilities of a PC and greater speed in order to help you make better use of your time."

Then I will slap my forehead and say, "Shit! I hadn't thought of that!"



Misandric Sexism

Over the past week I have noticed out on Twitter endless celebrities endorsing TwitChange and Care, which is itself promoting a giant program that helps only women obtain business loans and only girls get educations. The excuse they give for this obvious and undeniable sexism is a tired piece of propaganda written by the Feminist Machine's New York marketing office and used by more and more hijacked charities and government agencies all across America - that their 'experience' has shown that the only efforts that are worthwhile (to feminists) in assisting the poor and downtrodden are those in which they help only females. The fact that they openly hate males and only want females to have or know anything in the first place has nothing to do with it.

Right.


As these celebrities are promoting this all over Twitter, I have had plenty of opportunities to ask them directly, "why don't you educate BOTH the boys and the girls? Are there any schools for boys there at all?" They don't answer. I can say all kinds of pointless, ass-kissing, congratulatory shit to them and they quickly respond. But ask this inconvenient question and they are dead silent. Because they know that what they are doing is sexist and indefensible, but they don't care.


Hillary Clinton herself has said repeatedly in speeches over the past many years that 'if you teach a man to fish, he feeds only himself for life. But if you teach a woman to fish, she feeds the whole village.' This obviously sexist statement is not at all supported by history, where for thousands of years virtually all villages dependent upon fishing have been fed exclusively by male fishermen, without any recorded instances of female villagers starving due to male fishermen not feeding them along with everyone else.

Yet Corporate America and, of course, our corrupt and leaderless Federal Government, have embraced this latest female supremacist led assault on the male sex, the intact family and historical fact, wholeheartedly and without question. History shows this misandric approach to be a mistake. And reading the books of American and English communists written over the past many years shows this to be far more than merely a charitable attempt to empower women - it is, in fact, a cynical Machiavellian plan to disempower males in order to institute dictatorships all around the globe.

If white people proposed that blacks aren't worth educating, that they aren't worth allowing to have business loans, that experience has shown that only white people are worth expending resources on, there would be an outcry of "racism" the world over. And the program would be condemned. If modern American men, celebrities and CEOs, said that experience has shown that girls are a waste of time to educate, that women aren't worth giving business loans to because they are selfish, the United States Government and our media would go after them and destroy them. But let this new Klan put on pink robes and say this very same thing about males and our celebrities cheer and wave their torches in front of the burning cross with glee. And our Federal Government jumps onboard.


Historically, whenever dictators feared an uprising and overthrow of their oppressive reign, they did not send soldiers to kill all the female children. No, they sent soldiers to kill all the males, because it has always been males who rise up and overthrow people like Gadhafi, Stalin, Hitler, Obama and others who oppress the nations and enslave the people. Keeping the males ignorant and unemployed while recruiting the females to help with this enslavement of the males is a very intelligent plan, but also an incredibly evil one. For anyone to embrace this and ignore the obvious sexism of it is inexcusable. That being the case, I expect it won't be long before the leaders of the Republican Party join with their Democrat sisters in fully endorsing this bigotry.

Because anyone who dares to question or, heaven forbid, criticize this female-only 'charity' will be crucified.


He dared to proclaim the equal worth of all mankind


So anyway, whatever else I had on my mind that I had wanted to blog about, I've lost it (brain damage.) I've got a tremendous load of assignments at work (everyone wants to be top priority), plus trying to minimize my humiliation in the gym (failing), plus attempting to have some sort of life in between working, working out, blogging and spilling beer all over the city (watching TV.) And what I really need is rest. I just never seem to get enough.


Speaking of beer and someone who needs to get some rest, here's a guy who needs to sleep on things before simply leaping into action:

Tosh.0
Tags: Tosh.0 Videos,Daniel Tosh,Web Redemption

It's not you, it's me

So, it's Saturday and I'm tired. I worked my ass off yesterday before driving through completely insane moron traffic back to Memphis. Today I'm home alone and I'm just dead. I'm watching the Texas Longhorns try to surprise the big Oklahoma Sooners. So far they're doing surprisingly well, but it's going to take a miracle to beat them, to be brutally honest. I've got an empty beer in my hand and I'm just sitting here thinking, "I wonder if I can fit my dick in this bottle?"

Oh, I know what you're thinking. Yes, I really do.

You're thinking, "what kind of beer is it?"

It's Schiner Bock, of course, the beer of Texans. What else?

You can buy Schiner Bock almost anywhere in America if you just look hard enough. It's both tasty and refreshing!


Hey, Texas just broke one free and ran all the way down to the 20! That's awesome. They need a touchdown and a 2 point conversion just to tie this game up.

Awesome! They just scored the touchdown as I was writing this. Now it's back to a one point game.


Did you know that I was supposed to go to the University of Texas at Austin? It's true. I was accepted and everything. But unknown to me at the time, my feminist mother worked behind the scenes to sabatoge that and make me stay home for college. She lied and denied that she had anything to do with it for years and years, as feminist always do, only to admit all these years later that it was, in fact, her doing. And do you know why she did it? She said that after visiting the campus she decided that the girls were too sexy and she was afraid I might have sex. Sex! In college! Yes, seriously. I couldn't make this shit up. This is what feminists call 'pro choice'. It means they make all the biggest choices of your life for you, without any input from you, and without admitting to you that they fucked you over in one of the biggest and most critical decisions of your life.

Of course, like the modern Republicans, my father was entirely complicit in all this, making absolutely no effort to put a stop to it and never admitting to me what really went on. He went to his grave keeping this secret from me, letting me hate him for betraying me while shielding my mother from her guilt. See why I like Libertarian candidate Bob Barr?

I see that Auburn is taking on Arkansas later today. That's going to be important, because Alabama beat the living crap out of Arkansas 2 weeks ago. If Auburn, who has been playing like absolute crap this season, is to have any hope against Alabama in the Iron Bowl they are going to have to show that they can handle Arkansas with as little effort as Alabama did.


I just watched an ad for Christina Applegate's show, "Samantha Who?" I've always liked her. She was always a hottie, but best of all she's funny. I hate that she had that double mastectomy earlier this year because of cancer. That has to be rough to go through. I always respected the fact that she never got breast implants. But now she has no choice. Well, hopefully she won't go all Pamela Anderson and get beach balls. I liked her just the way she was.

Speaking of liking a girl just the way she was, Pamela Anderson was gorgeous in the days before she went under the knife. Seriously, have you ever seen the photos of her when she was young and hadn't had anything done to her breasts involving a knife and plastic bags? She was outstanding. Anyway she has a great sense of humor, too, fake boobies or not.

You know who else has great breasts, is great looking, and has a great sense of humor? Jenny McCarthy. I loved her on "2 1/2 Men". I had hoped they'd keep her around on a more long-term basis, but I guess they didn't know quite how to do that. They've never added a permanent new character and I guess they don't want to. I was glad to see Rose come back, though. She had left to go do some other show and that show didn't make it.

Texas just got hit with a big roughing the passer penalty. Apparently Ryan Reynolds, an Oklahoma defensive player, is out with a painful knee injury. He's said to be critical to the Oklahoma defense and partly the reason Texas just scored as quickly as they did. I'm no Oklahoma fan, but I never cheer for anyone to have a serious knee injury. I've had 2 knee surgeries from sports injuries and I don't wish that on anyone.

So anyway, I'm home all alone, as usual. I spend almost every day all alone. When I think about it, it's been that way for the past 10 years, if not longer. I really hate being all alone all the time. I've always hated that. And yet, for reasons I have never understood, my life seems to have been designed to keep me forever isolated. I think if I had the chance I'd party 24 hours a day with as many people as I could find, become an alcoholic, and molest as many hot girls as humanly possible. I should quit my job and open a sports bar.

One thing I have to say, I always hated how in soccer the offensive players would throw themselves to the ground, sometimes kicking the defender to intentionally hurt him and try to knock him down with them, and then scream like a baby for a penalty. Colt McCoy, quarterback for Texas, seems to have played some soccer at some point. He keeps throwing himself to the ground whenever a defender is near him as he's running out of bounds in order to draw a penalty. I hope Texas wins this game, but I have no respect for diving. That's one thing about soccer that I never respected during the years that I played. Diving and crying for a penalty is why soccer will never replace football in the hearts of Americans. That's why the female supremacists are working so hard to destroy football in America and wipe out all male athletics completely. They just couldn't get us to give it up and become a nation of soccer girls so now it all has to go.

OK, Texas fan or not, these refs are making terrible calls that are killing Oklahoma. Along with girlie-men taking dives, another thing that I hate is bad refs. Call it right or get off the field.

Hey, am I the only one who has noticed that in television commercials, billboards, print ads sent in junk mail, ads in magazines, etc, white males are being intentionally and systematically eliminated and replaced with all females and the occasional lone black male thrown in? And in ads for anything related to education, especially colleges, there are NO MALES at all? That is a violation of Title IX, but as everyone knows, the feminists have twisted Title IX into nothing more than a club with which to beat all males right out of school altogether. Our corrupt leaders, selfish sociopaths one and all, have not only permitted them to do this, but actually enabled it, violating their oaths of office and weakening our entire nation in an effort to appease their mothers and the 22-year-old Jewish intern they're sleeping with behind their wife's back.


Now these same sociopaths shake their heads and wonder as Barack Obama's gangster-run political machine, ACORN, runs about the country falsifying voter registrations by the hundreds of thousands in preparation for the largest incident of voter fraud in our nation's history. What did they think was going to happen when they hand-picked a candidate based entirely on race rather than on substance? First they came to Memphis and tried to take our own Harold Ford, Jr to run this race. They courted him for a very long time and had everything well prepared. But then a scandal, something involving massive voter fraud, reared its' ugly head and their candidate was tainted. Then more scandal as his politically correct family was caught in crime after crime, fraud after fraud, with his uncle going to jail for corruption and his aunt going to jail for just being a total fucking lunatic. Poor Harold, he had no scandal of his own to taint him like that, but his family is just so batshit crazy and totally corrupted that the Democrats felt they couldn't risk it. They had to dump him and find someone else. Someone black, of course, because in the PC world of the fanatical religious Marxist elitists who dominate the Democratic Party, nothing else would do.

Sorry Hillary, but the Party Leaders made their minds up long ago and you were just the wrong person at the wrong time. Well, the wrong color person, anyway.

Oh, I see Oklahoma has taken up the practice of taking a dive now, too. It's so bad now that the television announcers are making fun of them and talking about how this pathetic shit belongs on the soccer field, not a football field. Seriously, they are slamming on soccer just like I was doing. And they're right.

Oklahoma just scored a touchdown as a result of their punter taking a big fat dive and drawing a bullshit penalty. No matter how this game ends up, there is nothing respectible about this. There is nothing even remotely macho or fitting of a bunch of cowboys throwing themselves to the ground and crying like babies for a penalty. Hell, this shit is one of the main reasons why I quit soccer.

Anyway, today promises to be a whole lot of nothing.

Did any of you watch "Life On Mars" the other night? It's that new show on ABC about the cop who gets hit by a car and wakes up in 1973. I'm not sure if I'm going to like this one or not. It has potential, but if they don't handle it right it could end up being really hokey. I love the old cars, though.

Have you ever really, really liked someone, maybe even become convinced that you were in love, and when they realized how you felt, or you stupidly said "I love you", they started to slowly shove you out the door, out of their life, waving 'bye bye' politely as you stood out in the hallway watching them slowly close that door on you forever? It's a horrible feeling, isn't it? Your heart just shatters and you feel as if you're going to die. Ah, but you don't die. You just limp home to curl up in a bottle and cry. Then of course you email them to death, saying anything you can think of just to try to get them to talk to you. Things like, "hey, uh, what ya doin'?" They don't reply, of course, but you just keep emailing anyway. Or maybe you text their cell phone, sending short, meaningless messages in the desperate hope that they'll eventually respond. After several months of crawling after them you finally give up. And they're glad to be rid of you.

This is why you should never tell anyone that you love them. Always wait for them to say it first.

Well holy shit! Texas just beat Oklahoma. The odds were totally against them. That was an amazing upset.

So, I've just got the movie "Iron Man" on DVD and I think I may turn off football, take the Chevelle out for a tire-smoking spin, and then settle down by myself to watch the movie and see if I like it. I hear it's pretty good.