Lowest Bidder + House Construction = Crap

By Tresckow

Doing home repairs and little home improvement chores is the number three cause of rage induced killing sprees [citation needed]. There are already two strikes against me when I attempt to "fix" anything in the home. A short temper and hammer typically don't bode well together outside a Saw movie. The last thing I need is to suffer for the actions of the asshats that slapped the place together thirty years ago.

I am an advocate of putting the "mentally special-capped" or "retarded" to work, but not when it comes to building houses

Something about this isn't right.

If the majority of housing companies and associations opt for the lowest bidder, the group of monkeys that shit my house out decided to have the construction done for free. It's painfully obvious that the crew of drunken cavemen that built my house were either completely insane or just plain mentally rat-shit retarded.

Me no work now. Me on break. Talk to me union.

Would you like to hang a shelf up? Fuck you! Make one mistake and you'll have to tear down the whole wall and rebuild. Why? Because the group of ass monkeys that "built" our place used the absolute shittiest dry wall on the market. Check that... I'm not sure it was actually on the market. It may really be some concoction one of the suckos made in his bathtub. I've had saltines thicker and more stable than the walls in my house. Nice job you shit eating crotch grabbers!

Shown: Superior building material.

It's like the place was built believing that there would be NO INTENTION OF REPLACING ANYTHING!! Why simply screw in that shower head? Weld the fucker! That's right. Weld that sumabitch on. I'm sure the owners thirty years in the future will be just as jazzed about this no thrills bargain basement shower head as our drunken incompetent asses are today!

Let's see those fuckers replace this shower head NOW!

Excellent move fucknuts! This shit isn't built to last. It's built to fall apart and piss you the fuck off. I would stone you simple ass clowns if I could! I mean it! A full fledged out of the Old Testament stoning!

I got my throwing stone ready!

Oh shit, don't get me started on our front door. What kind of twisted dillweed would use the rarest, hardest to find, obsolete piece of shit door knob in existence. Why is that a problem? Because the hole used to install the knob is TOO SMALL for a conventional, NORMAL, MODERN door knob. I had to spend a damn HOUR with sandpaper and a hammer to get that pain in the ass opened enough to replace the knob. I wouldn't have had to replace it if that piece of shit didn't fall off in my hand! What kind of vomit inducing bullshit is this? You sadistic crack whores! I hope you get typhoid.

Funny thing is the Before repair picture looks exactly like the After repair picture.

Don't get me wrong. This is our first house and owning is definitely better than renting (aside from the joy of letting someone else worry about repairs, snow shoveling, and building codes). A syphilitic monkey with his eyes jammed up another monkey's ass would have built a better house. The goons that built this place recognized quality when they saw it. They recognized it and walked the widest fucking circle around it. Nice job! I wish I knew these jackholes in real life so I could seal them in a wall.

Screw it. Just tie it all in a square knot and let's hit the Hooters.

I'm sure there will be more to come of this saga. I'll have to talk about the circa 1970's goat vomit green rug in my office. Oh how I hate you contractors from hell. I want to hurt you, but I can never hurt you as badly as you hurt me!

I have a few ideas, though.