Twitter-Like Orgasms in 140 Seconds or Less

With youth tweeting on the rise in great numbers, we are seeing a societal shift that may never allow us to enjoy the quiet times of the past. A noise-filled stream of information and self-promotion is in danger of changing our entire existence into a world of brevity. It is happening as we speak, and some of you may find the results frightening.

Dr. Joyce Winthrop, of The De la Soul Institute of Future Sex, is seeing a world in which long courtships and tender romantic encounters will be replaced by a hard-charging universe of barnstorming orgasms that will occur in 140 seconds or less.

“This won’t only be for males. Women who are connected to the tweeting lifestyle will also experience orgasms within this time frame,” Winthrop explained with subdued confidence. “Think of a world where you just get right to the heart of the matter, not only during intercourse, but during the courtship process as well. You meet someone on a speed date one day, tweet them the next day to set up another date, then you have quick, fast and ultimately unsatisfying teenage-sex and part ways at the end of the evening. At this rate you can test out multiple partners and have thousands of forlorn lovers pining away for your attention for years to come. You can keep them at bay, and within your reach by a few tweets here and there. It’s truly an efficient, shallow, yet exciting time to be alive. It’s a vision of America and the world that native people have been yearning for…and it’s finally here. I think it’s just great.”

Dr. Winthrop has been studying attention spans in sexual behavior, and the new definition of friends since the advent of friendster in the early 2002. Suffering from Adult Attention Deficit Disorder and new-world nymphomania led the good Dr. to her fascination with sexual brevity and the word “friend”.

“What is most fascinating is the bastardization of the term friend. I think we will be searching for a new word that better describes our off-line relationships quite soon. Something along the lines of old friend, true friend, or good old buddy may be more apparent. It will be wonderful to see this new type of language emerge. And being a sex therapist that is also a nymphomaniac makes this all the more exciting. I’m not sure why…maybe that’s just me tweeting out loud.”

Tweeting out loud is something Dr. Winthrop says will be inevitable with chronic twitterers. It will appear to be some sort of turrets, but in actuality it will be certain humans vocalizing their tweets into microphones on blue tooth headsets while navigating their way through the sidewalks of New York, or braving the Los Angeles freeway traffic and beyond. You will hear such remarks as, “I’m eating a ham sandwich”, as you pass by a man at a backstage deli eating a ham sandwich. This announcement of action and assertion of existence will be ubiquitous in all aspects of life says Winthrop.

“You’ll hear it everywhere: screams from the car next to you or the person sitting next to you in the movies. But what I’m most interested in is the tweeting in the bedroom. It will not only allow us to get off quicker, so we don’t always have to Tivo our favorite show, but it will bring dirty talk back to the sheets where it belongs.