Tresckow Answers Your Mail In His Own Special Way

By Tresckow

Greetings all! I am happy to announce that The FWTC seems to have developed a devoted, yet scary following. Nothing could please me more. Well, nothing except for leering at Eliza Dushku up close.

Come on. You absolutely knew I was going to bring her up in some way again.

Now that's out of the way, I figure I would answer some reader mail. Why? I'm bored. More specifically, Adel keeps bitching to me that someone should answer some reader questions. Since I don the title of "Head writer" the ball is unceremoniously thrown in my court. Besides, Roode hates you all and Adel is too "happening" to address your deepest, darkest questions.

From: Harpman34
"Where do you guys get your ideas from? Do you all collaborate or just randomly type articles?"

• Well, "Harpman34" it's a combination of things. We normally listen to each other brainstorm, tell the other that their idea is the worst we ever heard, then steal it for ourselves. Or so some writers allege. Truthfully, it all sort of happens. We're making this shit up as we go along. Give us a break.

From: Emmygirl
"Roode seems pretty tightly wound. Is it an act or is he really that way in real life?"

• Wow, right for the jugular. Roode was raised by a pack of wolves, then abandoned as a teenager for being too aggressive. He was then adopted by the Montana state government and raised as their own. During the process, he developed this hatred for all things purple. Does this answer your question? Probably not. But, then again, I don't care.

From: Collieresses129
"Adel is the only chick, right? How does that work?"

• Um, well, I suppose it works due to her having a vagina.

From: Espritseer
"You guys seem to be rough on Adel. Why don't you lighten up?"

• Epsritseer, I can understand why you would get that impression. It's because we love her. We love her so much. It's for her own good that we teach her life is hard. You hurt the ones you love. Well... we REALLY love her. The only way to express that is to subject her to emotional abuse. We're classy like that.

From: Carltonwasright
"Are Tresckow and Adel married? They bicker like a married couple."

• No, Carltonwasright (that better not be Fresh Prince of Bel Air reference). We are not married. We've known each other for a very long time. Knowing each other for so long has exposed just what awful, rotten human beings we are. Who the hell wants to be married to that?

From: Perrywinkle won
"Roode mentioned he was married. Is he serious? Who in their right mind would marry him?"

• Perrywindkly won. You've made my day. Actually, Roode had to order a bride from abroad. But, being cheap, he didn't shell out the money for a Russian bride. He had to go for a lesser product from Mongolia. His wife doesn't speak English, but communicates through a series of grunts and hand signals.

From: Jarjar sucksass34
"Do you all work together? If not, how do you know each other?"

• Wow. Jarjar sucksass34. Way to keep your handle fresh with current Hollywood trends. Roode, Adel, and I have a long and storied past. I met Adel at a traveling rug salesman convention. She, at the time, was a rug groupie. She would get weak in the knees for a rug salesman. I, on the other hand, needed a cheap oriental rug for my shitty apartment. We met, our eyes locked, and promptly made sweet love. Well, that's not quite how it happened. But, it's more interesting than the truth. I have no idea who Roode is. I think he's an amalgamation of company logos and participants of an anger management class.

From: Boboteabaggins
"I'm confused. Where is The Fuse Was Too Cold headquarters? I see a lot of references to the Northwest, but I also pick up on some Eastern vibes."

• Does it really matter? It's the Internet, baby. We could be in different hemispheres and still provide you with this shit.... I mean entertainment. But, if you must know, I am on the East coast, Adel and Roode are in Montana. Yeah, Montana. I didn't even know that place really existed until recently.

Your handle rocks hard, by the way.

From: MackingD
"Is Adel English? Or does she just like using English slang. Also, is she available? Or was she serious about having a boyfriend?"

• Adel is certainly English/British. But, it was a abnormality she was born with. We try to accept her the way she is. It's hard sometimes. It's sort of like interacting with Rocky Dennis, except she uses an abundance of "Us" in words like "Colour" and "Humour."
  
• She is in a relationship. At the moment, anyway. It's only a matter of time before some sort of police action is involved. You an only slap around your boyfriend in public so many times before you end up on an episode of "Cops."
  

From: MuchLoveCliff
"What, exactly, is the meaning behind the title "The Fuse Was Too Cold?"

• We can't tell you. That has to me a mystery.
  

From: Bughattiefarms
"What's the deal with Tresckow's fixation with Eliza Dushku?"

• Are you friggin serious? You're gay, right? It's OK if you are. But, dude, you have to be gay or a corpse to not be fixated with Eliza Dushku. Shit, did you see the picture at the top of this article? Everything in life leads back to Eliza. And if, by some chance, something doesn't, I'll fucking make it!

That's it. That question pissed me off. I'm done. "What's the deal with Tresckow's fixation with Elize Dushku?" Retard.