Tiggerlane has tagged me to write a class list for self-improvement. Because she's a hottie, and because my beautiful Australian e-wife has just dumped me for growing a beard and showing it to another woman, I am going to give in like a drunk girl on prom night and do it.
Rules: Devise a list of 5-10 courses you would take to fix your life. It's more fun to be in classes with friends, so include one class from the person who tagged you that you'd also like to take. Tag five.
Drive Women Wild (SXY490) - I recently grew a beard. And then, because I am insecure, and also because I work in a field where I see how bad the fashion sense of most of us genius types is, I emailed a photo of my bearded face to my e-wife in Australia to ask her if she approves. Unfortunately, Australia is on a vastly different time-zone from America and she was apparently asleep. So she didn't respond. But just then another lovely Australian woman commented on my blog. It must have been like 3 a.m. over there, but she was up. And I was thinking she was in my friends list on MySpace or Facebook and had already seen my face anyway, so I emailed it to her and asked for her opinion, too. She said she liked it a lot. Ooh, my ego felt good! And also I was relieved. I also emailed a long-time friend in Alabama and asked her the same question. She, too, said she liked it. Ooh, I was on a roll! And then I emailed a transplanted Texas hottie who now lives in an igloo amongst glaciers in the frozen north. She said she did NOT like it and also that I have a lousy haircut and need to get my hair cut like Brad Pitt in "The 300" in order to look more manly and less loserly. I take her advice seriously, as she is generally straight with me and knows what she's talking about, so I started to email the other women whom I had asked the beard opinion of. Just then I heard back from my Australian e-wife. She liked the beard, too, she said. But then she emailed me again and called me a "man whore" for emailing my photo to the other women and said she is e-divorcing me. So now I am a broken-hearted, bearded computer geek with a bad haircut, and all those good feelings from the positive feedback I initially received are completely gone. I need a makeover, apparently. And I need professional hottie women to make sure I don't fuck it up. I need a class taught by a team of Victoria's Secret Supermodels to teach us tech guys how not to look like the losers we truly are. This would improve my life dramatically. Or maybe just my ego. But it would be a good start, anyway.
Traffic Building 505 - this graduate level class is stolen from Tiggerlane, who stole it from Bond. "How DO some bloggers get a ton of hits, after posting about NOTHING? Is the blogosphere akin to Seinfeld episodes?" Tigger and I would like to take a class to teach us how to get 100 hits a day, like a certain Australian woman who broke my heart does without half trying. I suspect that it might help if I were female, had big boobs, and some sort of social life, preferably involving alcohol, bikinis, and drunken hijinks. A few wild sexcapes wouldn't hurt any, either.
Stop Being Such a Loser 410 - taught by profs James and Jongeward - Winners do not dedicate their lives to a concept of what they imagine they should be. Rather, they are themselves and as such do not use their energy putting on a performance, maintaining pretence, and manipulating others. Winners can reveal themselves instead of projecting images that please, provoke, or entice others. They are aware that there is a difference between being loving and acting loving, between being stupid and acting stupid, between being knowledgeable and acting knowledgeable. Winners do not need to hide behind a mask. They throw off unrealistic self-images of inferiority or superiority. Autonomy does not frighten winners. Although people are born to win, they are also born helpless and totally dependent on their environment. Winners successfully make the transition from total helplessness to independence, and then to interdependence. Losers do not. Somewhere along the line losers begin to avoid becoming responsible for their own lives. A lack of response to dependency needs, poor nutrition, brutality, unhappy relationships, disease, continuing disappointments, inadequate physical care, and traumatic events are among the many experiences that contribute to making people losers. Such experiences interrupt, deter, or prevent the normal progress toward autonomy and self-actualization.
Personal Law 101 - How To Avoid Being Tasered in the Nuts - Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes involve breaking the law. Every day in America, some unfortunate man is pulled over for not wearing a seatbelt or not having his child in a government mandated plastic cage or other minor infraction. Somewhere along the way from being pulled over to receiving a ticket, this man will get shot in the genitals with a hand-held torture device designed by Taser International to spear the male genitalia and fry a man's testicles with 50,000 volts. This class will teach you the dos and don'ts of dealing with a Taser-equipped police officer and help you to avoid being the latest statistic in the War On Males. If you have a penis or testicles, or love someone who does, you NEED this class.
Start You Own Business 240 - Anyone who plans to start their own business needs to know a number of important things. Does the business have to be built from scratch or can someone else's existing business be bought, and where would a person find this information? How much will building the new business cost? Where to get the financing? Is the intended market suitable for the intended business? How probable is business success and how long should the new business owner expect to go before breaking even or achieving profitability? All this and more is essential to know in order to avoid being the next failed business bankruptcy in the competitive world of business ownership.
OK, so now I get to tag five suck .. I mean, tag five lucky bloggers. I tag:
Bottle Blonde
Prunella Jones
OneHungMan
Kitty
Moi
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